I'm not talking about starting the conversations. But if the spouse starts them, shouldn't it be okay to engage in them (within reason), regardless of if that is in person or via texting, etc? What I'm saying, is that the medium shouldn't matter.
And, I understand, that being fully engaged doesn't mean extending the conversations longer than necessary.
A lot of your questions could be answered for you, if you would take the time to read the links that were initially posted. I also posted a copy of the "rules" that serves as a guideline for newcomer LBS. Look on page 4 of your current thread.
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
A lot of your questions could be answered for you, if you would take the time to read the links that were initially posted. I also posted a copy of the "rules" that serves as a guideline for newcomer LBS. Look on page 4 of your current thread.
The problem is, reading the links, combined with other comments in this thread and on the board, are what confuse me.
Just the last 5 or 6 posts are not clear on this one simple thing, IMO.
You've been clear, but then there is conflicting advice from others and elsewhere.
I get it, I don't want to drag conversations on longer than necessary, I don't want to start them, I don't want to be her friend. I understand that, and to me, that doesn't preclude occasional instances of brief conversation or a joke, as long as I don't try to read anything into her reactions (though I am not sure where the transition to trial and error comes in, where I am supposed to analyze these things). But then there are some instances of advice that's just don't text at all, beyond what is 100% absolutely urgent/necessary. That's why it's confusing.
Here’s the thing, none of it matters as far as preventing the D. A lot depends on how it will effect your detachment. Lot depends on your values. Maybe you want to remain friends? We have guidelines here. That’s all they are. Personally I have a low tolerance for cheaters. Others don’t. That’s why advice will vary. In general if you’re acting on fear you are doing the wrong thing.
Here’s the thing, none of it matters as far as preventing the D. A lot depends on how it will effect your detachment. Lot depends on your values. Maybe you want to remain friends? We have guidelines here. That’s all they are. Personally I have a low tolerance for cheaters. Others don’t. That’s why advice will vary. In general if you’re acting on fear you are doing the wrong thing.
If none of it matters as far as the D (I know there's never any guarantees), then what exactly is the point? I didn't read a book and come to these forums just to know I should get a life and be a better me. That's pretty easy for me to figure out, and I was already working towards that.
But, someone can have a life and still pursue someone. Someone can have a great life and do lots of things the "techniques" suggest avoiding. I thought the techniques (which include getting a life if that is not something you were doing - and should be done no matter the state of your marriage) had the goal of trying to "divorce bust." If none of it matters (or can matter), then it's kind of a misnomer.
