XH bailed me up at kid changeover this afternoon. Fortunately I had already gotten S2 inside and spoke to XH through the locked screen door. I wasn’t able to keep from engaging, but I stayed calm in the face of his outrageous claims.
- I will be reported for spreading lies and slander (I said if it’s good enough to do it, it’s good enough to talk about it) - I’m punishing him for leaving because I’m jealous and bitter (I said please read my email where I said I don’t wish you any ill will and I’m not interested in revenge) - He’s with someone now but he didn’t leave me for her (I said great, if you guys are in love then be together and be open about it) - He didn’t cheat or have an affair, and what even defines cheating? (I said umm, when you leave your wife to sleep with someone else) - He left me because I was super controlling and never let him make one decision in eight years (I said I don’t remember our life that way and his opinion always mattered to me) - I left the marriage first because I asked to go to marriage counselling in December 2018 (I said that I was trying to fix things to make us happy again because I didn’t want to model a broken marriage for S2) - He has been more than fair to me in the settlement and everything he’s done has been out of concern for me (I said I have a different definition of fair and that if he had any concern for me he wouldn’t have cheated and abandoned me) - I lied about my mortgage preapproval being affected by his car loan to force him to refinance sooner (I said I didn’t lie about anything sand went with the advice of my lawyer and mortgage broker) - I won’t give him overnight visits because I’m trying to get as much child support as possible from him (I said my only concern was S2’s well-being and that I am willing to work with him to gradually increase his parenting time) - I lied to the child support agency about my income to get more child support (I said they calculated based on both our tax returns last year and that it wasn’t possible to falsify government records) - My lawyer is just as manipulative as I am (I said she is just doing her job) - He did tell me his address when he moved and I must have forgotten and should write these things down (no response, in shock at this bald-faced lie) - And yet, he DIDN’T tell me his address because he was afraid I would come and smash up his house after I apparently keyed his car (no response, just wtf to this whole ridiculous comment) - I am abusive because I swore at him (I asked when? He said like four words ago. I asked what did I say? He said he can’t remember) - He’s not a jerk to everyone, just to me (I said I don’t believe I’ve done anything to deserve that treatment) - Calling me a bitch, threatening me to take me to court and lose my house, taking S2 from my arms, and taunting me to hit him was not abusive (I said my lawyer and psychologist disagree) - I am playing the abuse trump card to prevent him from seeing S2 (I said I have never prevented you from seeing him and I could make access a lot harder if that was my angle) - He and I both know that I don’t have a clear conscience and I should stop saying I have nothing to hide (I said I do have a clear conscience and nothing to hide)
In the end, I got fed up and said that he seems to think I’m obsessed with him when all I want to do is get away and move on. He said that he wants to do the same. I said well, leave then! He scampered away to his car and I was a bit petty and yelled out that he was a cheater and that he should own his bad behaviour. He then told me I was abusive for saying so.
Kind of a masterclass in gaslighting, blameshifting and projection, no?
Wow scout. How are you feeling? That's terrible how he went off like that, especially at kid changeover. You handled yourself well.
Sending out a big ((THAT A GIRL)) to you.
~Never Give Up ~ 2019 Mar BD June BD Dec Aow/xgf 2020 Jan he wants D Feb he flys2 ow Mar returns stuck here C19 Lckdwn Apr he leaves for work until Nov Oct D FINAL 2020 Living MY Happiest Life Ever
I think you handled him and his crazy statements quite well. Yes, quite a bit of gaslighting going on there as well as projection first class. Kudos for your handling this w/grace and standing your ground.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
I will wager that the erratic behavior is fear and guilt. I think the more you can ignore him and his outbursts the better. Maybe suggest that you guys discuss any issues later when things have deescalated a bit. OD and I could not be civil at the beginning. Too much pain. As time goes by this should lessen. But talking to someone in this state never leads to a good place.
He’s spinning. You’re not playing the game - he wants you pleading and upset, not calm and moving on. You letting go and moving on robs him of his power over you, so he is desperately trying to hook you back in. He doesn’t want you but he doesn’t want you to move on either because then he loses his Plan B.
Picture a kid with ADD who will do anything for attention, even if it’s bad attention like punishment.
Don’t feed his narcissistic supply by reacting to him. Be the smooth gray rock that he can’t get a finger hold on. Don’t dance with his craziness. Let the lawyers do their work.
Oh my goodness, XH has emailed my lawyer accusing her of lying in some previous correspondence. I truly thought that having all correspondence go through my lawyer would force him to behave out of respect for her profession. I am shocked at the audacity. She has drafted correspondence in response asking him to refrain from making false accusations against her office. Is this normal behaviour during divorce proceedings? He must be self-representing because no legal counsel would allow him to act the way he has.
Me 41, H 47, M 15 yrs, S11, S13 BD 1: 11/4/14 we work on it; really I pretzel myself BD 2: 3/31/15 H goes down to "dorm room" 8/15: H back to MBR 10/15: H back in dorm room 1/18: H files, now divorced
