Through The Storm III

[KristinG]

You were careful to say to us that you did not believe you were piecing. But we saw your hope, and you state it now that you thought you were there. I point this out only for one reason - I think you were censoring yourself and how you present here on the boards. Playing it safe with what you wrote. And that's totally ok - you owe us NOTHING. But I hope that no matter what is next for you you are always being open and honest with yourself in when you feel hope or expectations or considering what you want or your needs. I just hope that part of you is not censored to play a role. Do you journal for yourself only?

Hey Yail. Thank you for pointing out censorship and how it relates to our journey. I didn't realize it, but yes, I have definitely censored myself to some degree on these boards. Honestly, after you posted the other day, I spent some time re-reading my thread and comparing it to my journal at home. I don't know if it is the fear of being chastised, fear of failure, or some need of approval. I have been honest with the way things have happened and how I have felt about all of it, but I probably have watered down my thoughts to some extent. My journal is a mixed bag of crazy emotions, plans, dreams, and sometimes angry rants about all kinds of fun things. One thing really stuck out to me when reading through my personal journal. I have stated time and time again that I don't want to be with someone that is in love with someone else. That is my focus in the coming days.

Nothing that I have posted has been censored to play any sort of role. I have been true to myself on this forum and have shared so many fears and so much growth with everyone here - and I'm thankful to have a community where someone else knows how this feels. I felt so lost for a while after initial BD and separation and I truly believe finding DB helped to push my inner strength forward. I was obsessive and checking phone records multiple times daily. I was trying to follow social media and always had to know what ww was doing. I was trying to manipulate and guilt my ww into choosing to work our MR. Once I found this safe place filled with people who have been through some of the same things, I finally found some direction. Lists of things I could do to rebuild myself if that makes sense.

IW,

Thanks for the recommendation to re-read the journey. It has helped to see the progress within myself. I agree with you and Yail about changing my views of detachment. I don't think I will ever stop loving ww, but it will definitely shift with time on how I love her/feel about her. I'm working on not making the same mistakes over again. I'm working to focus on what I want out of life outside of any romantic relationship.

KG