What if my spouse has begun to display contempt for me due to toxic marriage basically our entire marriage?
We have fought for years.
He started out totally in love with me. things I did to push him away, jealousy, insecurity, accusing, suffocating him in his words and always thinking the worst of things.
He has done thing to hurt me too. Refusal to go to counseling. Refusal to talk fairly about problems. Shutting down for weeks and months at a time. Not even acknowledging my existence.
We both react badly off of eachother.
He first wanted a divorce years ago very soon after we first got married. I continued living in the home because I had no job and he felt bad for me. After he said he wanted a divorce it was almost an entire year of living together and him catering to my broken heart. I knew he still loved me deeply though because he would still try to interact with me. Still do things as a married couple like assure me there was no one. And I know there was no one. It was basically because he saw no hope for us. But... I know he kept me around and didnt file because even though he didnt want to admit there was hope, I knew he was still hoping.
We finally decided to give it another shot. I really was so happy. I had my husband back. But he still didnt want to go to counseling. Still would shut down for long periods of time and not go to therapy. But he did start taking me out on dates again and going to family functions. I knew I should be thankful for that and I was but I guess I couldn't handle the withdraw of him still not opening up to me sexually, not showing affection. Etc.
I feel like I pushed for too much too soon. I also believe that my unhealthy life. Like not having any friends and putting all my energy into us and not myself pushed him away more and more.
Our fights are horrible. Me always pushing, him always pulling. He finally said I was pushing him over the edge when I kept trying to communicate. It had been more than a month of no talking and just fighting. I was furious. He would literally stand up and walk away when I would beg him to talk. I admit I freaked out many times because of it.
He said this time we are over but there was no sweetness about it. He literally has this hatred of me. Saying hes so sick of me, cant stand me. I feel like I blew it this time. But... I feel like he did too. He wouldnt go to counseling or really even read a book without my forcing him too.
If this is the second time he has said he wants a divorce and there is no fixing it because it is too toxic... should I just finally give up like he wants me to?
He also has said we are too unhealthy emotionally for eachother and we make eachother miserable and he wishes for us to be happy in the end with ourselves. I asked if we were able to learn to be more healthy individually if he felt we could be happy together. He got angry and said no, stop asking questions because it's just torturing both of us.
I feel in my heart we could be happy because when we are good we are good. It's our faults within that get in the way. I know if I had my own life and stopped depending so much on him we probably would not have gotten to this point...
I'm lost. Please help.
Every interaction I have with him is downright toxic now and I am seeing sides to him I have never seen before. What do I do?
