Riding the Wave 3

[wayfarer]

Do you think maybe you are trying to push things along so you know how it will end? Maybe letting go of some unknown expectations you are carrying would help. You're doing so amazing keeping yourself grounded and graceful (at least in front of H). I'm really happy to see how far he has come since just a few short months ago. Hang in there.

I'm trying my hardest not to push. I'm trying to let him take the lead on everything. I just take my space when I need it. And when it feels like he needs space I give it to him. I don't initiate R talks. I don't initiate sex. I don't ask him to come to bed. I don't ask anything of him really. I just kind of exist in our space and try to be as much of myself as I can. I try to catch what he throws and throw it back to the best of my ability. I do realize I said pull the rug out from under me, but I don't mean that in the sense of me feeling like he's all in and then he'll take it away. More like he's being human, and kind, and thoughtful again. He's communicating and being my friend. My fear with the rug being pulled out from under me is that I'll wake up one day and he'll just be a stranger again. The affair never bothered me as much a people think it should. Him stealing my sense of security in our lives, and taking away my best friend is what killed me. I don't want to be blindsided like that again. Most of my expectations are out the damn window because that move out date is fluid now. So when I say limbo sukks, it does, because I, the control freak, have zero ability to mentally prepare myself for any thing so expectations aren't really a thing. It's all just trying to deal with the anxiety of I have no idea where any of this is going.

It's the constantly thinking that you can work on controlling, right? Both of those scenarios are in the unknown future, and they don't need your energy. (Easier said than done, yes, because I struggle with this too, so of course I am typing it out here!) Just person-who-looks-like-H/cat/roommate, hour by hour, day by day. In the present.

...I feel like the part of me that aspires toward a more zen-like attitude would say, you can just exist, you can get to this place, even if it is only fleeting, only for a few minutes sometimes, you can get there, you have been there, you are there, etc.

The trying to predict the future is very much me trying to get control where there's none to be had. And striving to just be in the moment is what I'm trying my hardest to do. It was a point of contention in the MR that I was always trying to navigate life 10 steps ahead and it often distracted me from being in the moment. I know this is something I need to work on for personal growth, period.

All sounds really positive, IMO. It very well may be that you have not processed some of the feelings you have about your mom and other things because of the trauma of the sitch with your H... and I wouldn't say that is worrisome, it is totally normal and to be expected. And maybe a sign that you can unclench just a bit inside and start to let some of those feelings out... I think it is a good thing, esp with a good IC to support you. It won't be easy but then what of this is?

My bff brought this up basically saying maybe I couldn't control my tears because for the first time in a long time I was able to cry about something that wasn't this marriage falling apart. The wall came down the the flood gates opened. I find it worrisome because it makes me feel like all the progress I've made with my depression is fake. I guess that's the best way I could put it. Like all of it was a bandaid and it's not going to stick because I never really dug down and did the real work.

I feel like the time on my own with H traveling is so helpful because I do have that space to just be myself (though I'm mostly just being myself with my H now too, because, well, F it... but TBH I'm sure I'm more capable of handling and being the calm collected version of myself because I have that outlet. Any way you can carve out time for yourself where you aren't necessarily out GALing with friends or whatever but just relaxing on your own and just BEING without worries about how it appears or doesn't appear?

I have a very, very difficult time with this. Since OW is out of the picture, and the marathon is creeping up H is home ALL THE TIME. And home was my safe space. Because I anticipated him only really being there a few nights a week and I knew how long I'd have to be on my own. I've been encouraging him to reconnect with friends that checked out during the A. Partially because he needs the friendship, partially because he needs to make amends, and partially because I want him gone...lol. We have terrible weather this time of year, so I can't like go out and hike or something. If it isn't snowing and windy, it's blistering cold and windy, or as it's been more lately rainy, cold and windy. I've been retreating to the MBR a lot lately to just read during the week. But that doesn't stop H from coming in and talking to me, or D17 from plopping down and doing her homework next to me. Or D16 from plopping down and watching her weird teen dramas on her phone next to me. Or my favorite all of them. So super long story, not short, no I can't escape these people for me time, unless I'm at the gym or in the shower Sun-Thurs. Weekends I can find a little more space. But not much.

Put yourself first. Take care of yourself. That is in your control and you will be the one to enjoy the fruits of your labor.

It’s always better for emotions and issues to come out as a surprise than not coming out at all.

*hugs

Thank you wooba. I know these are things I need to deal with, I just wasn't prepared to be adding insult to injury as it were. But a better me is a better me, even in it's painful to get there.