The complaints she did bring up about our marriage have kind of been all over the place and inconsistent.
Can you share some examples?
Also, how old are you, wife, daughter?
How long have you been married?
Not paying for enough things, even though I used the credit card she told me to use. Using my phone too much, even though she was on hers about 3 times as much. Not "jumping" to pay for my mom when we went out to dinner, even though she told me, every single time, before we got to the restaurant that we were paying (and what card to use). Her insisting on always doing certain things, refusing help, and then being angry that I didn't know she wanted me to (and of course, angry if I did do something, but did it my way)
Every time I countered anything she would drop it and just switched to something new.
She has admitted (placated?) to all of this.
I guess I should also mention that the exact same thing happened in her first marriage when her first daughter was the same age as ours.
I'm 42, she's 40. Step-daughter is 15, daughter is 2 and a half.
Not paying for enough things, even though I used the credit card she told me to use. Using my phone too much, even though she was on hers about 3 times as much. Not "jumping" to pay for my mom when we went out to dinner, even though she told me, every single time, before we got to the restaurant that we were paying (and what card to use). Her insisting on always doing certain things, refusing help, and then being angry that I didn't know she wanted me to (and of course, angry if I did do something, but did it my way)
I am seeing a dynamic in this list that might be an opportunity to 180 on. I see a lot of justification for your actions. I know, because I am a "justifier" too. However, when someone give you their reality "You are on the phone too much", learn from it. Regardless of how flawed the messenger themselves might be! You can become a better person based on their observation even if they are just as guilty. It is like the old question, would you rather be happy or right?
So when someone says: "You are on your phone too much." Instead of saying: "So are you!" Saying: "Thanks for bringing that to my attention. I will try to work on that." Goes a lot longer.
Now maybe you are just justifying these complaints to us, and you didn't do it to her. I can only react to what you type on this forum.
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
Not paying for enough things, even though I used the credit card she told me to use. Using my phone too much, even though she was on hers about 3 times as much. Not "jumping" to pay for my mom when we went out to dinner, even though she told me, every single time, before we got to the restaurant that we were paying (and what card to use). Her insisting on always doing certain things, refusing help, and then being angry that I didn't know she wanted me to (and of course, angry if I did do something, but did it my way)
I am seeing a dynamic in this list that might be an opportunity to 180 on. I see a lot of justification for your actions. I know, because I am a "justifier" too. However, when someone give you their reality "You are on the phone too much", learn from it. Regardless of how flawed the messenger themselves might be! You can become a better person based on their observation even if they are just as guilty. It is like the old question, would you rather be happy or right?
So when someone says: "You are on your phone too much." Instead of saying: "So are you!" Saying: "Thanks for bringing that to my attention. I will try to work on that." Goes a lot longer.
Now maybe you are just justifying these complaints to us, and you didn't do it to her. I can only react to what you type on this forum.
She doesn't bring it up anymore. I did defend myself at the time...but also set out to do better afterwards. Now, my phone is often in the other room and she is going away on her phone. There have been a few times where I just stopped and stared at her to see when she'd notice.
She said she, "let go of a lot of cares."
She's always been one to criticize others for doing something, and when she got caught doing the same thing, she would laugh it off like no big deal (which it usually was, she just didn't feel that way about others doing it). That aspect of her just got cranked up to 11. Even to the point where she was complaining about clothes being donated to charity because they weren't up to her standards (cleary not letting go of cares like she thought).
One thing I have been unsure of - I put up pictures of our family in my office space a while back, because they had been a gift to her at one point and she never put them up. I thought, "fine, I'll pit them up for me, because I still care about this family."
I know that was a mistake, but now I am not sure if I should take them down, because that will surely draw notice to them. I know my daughter would definitely point it out if they were gone. If I do take them down, do I take them all, or maybe just the ones with her?
Not paying for enough things, even though I used the credit card she told me to use. Using my phone too much, even though she was on hers about 3 times as much. Not "jumping" to pay for my mom when we went out to dinner, even though she told me, every single time, before we got to the restaurant that we were paying (and what card to use). Her insisting on always doing certain things, refusing help, and then being angry that I didn't know she wanted me to (and of course, angry if I did do something, but did it my way)
I am seeing a dynamic in this list that might be an opportunity to 180 on. I see a lot of justification for your actions. I know, because I am a "justifier" too. However, when someone give you their reality "You are on the phone too much", learn from it. Regardless of how flawed the messenger themselves might be! You can become a better person based on their observation even if they are just as guilty. It is like the old question, would you rather be happy or right?
So when someone says: "You are on your phone too much." Instead of saying: "So are you!" Saying: "Thanks for bringing that to my attention. I will try to work on that." Goes a lot longer.
Now maybe you are just justifying these complaints to us, and you didn't do it to her. I can only react to what you type on this forum.
She doesn't bring it up anymore. I did defend myself at the time...but also set out to do better afterwards. Now, my phone is often in the other room and she is going away on her phone. There have been a few times where I just stopped and stared at her to see when she'd notice.
She said she, "let go of a lot of cares."
She's always been one to criticize others for doing something, and when she got caught doing the same thing, she would laugh it off like no big deal (which it usually was, she just didn't feel that way about others doing it). That aspect of her just got cranked up to 11. Even to the point where she was complaining about clothes being donated to charity because they weren't up to her standards (cleary not letting go of cares like she thought).
A) Well done on following up with actions. Most important thing you can do.
B) The "Let go of a lot of cares" hits home. My W said that as well. "I used to care, not anymore." Just be aware that it can come back. I think a lot of times that is a defensive mechanism for hurt spouses.
C) I was in no way defending her or excusing her own flaws. But I learned a longtime ago that I could learn and improve, no matter who around me refused to do so themselves.
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
One thing I have been unsure of - I put up pictures of our family in my office space a while back, because they had been a gift to her at one point and she never put them up. I thought, "fine, I'll pit them up for me, because I still care about this family."
I know that was a mistake, but now I am not sure if I should take them down, because that will surely draw notice to them. I know my daughter would definitely point it out if they were gone. If I do take them down, do I take them all, or maybe just the ones with her?
There is no reason to take them down unless they make you feel uncomfortable. This is your office space and you should be able to do whatever you want in that particular space. Personally, I would leave them up.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
There is no reason to take them down unless they make you feel uncomfortable. This is your office space and you should be able to do whatever you want in that particular space. Personally, I would leave them up.
The "office" is in my (the marital) bedroom, which is where our daughter gets ready in the morning and evening. So, it's not a separate room, and is something she sees everyday.
