Learning how to stand, hope, & keep moving

[may22]

I'm not holding parts of myself hostage until he reaches a socially acceptable point at which people on this board and IRL feel like he deserves it. My H and I are no where near reconciliation. But the friendship we have has been flourishing since OW left the picture. He's still unsure of what he wants but I'm patient.

This resonates, wayfinder. I feel that some people's situations lend themselves to really hard lines, either because of the way their S is acting or their own internal workings of how they deal with things. And that works for many people. But I think it is also DBing to take a different approach and OK to be friends, friendly, whatever, as long as you can handle it and aren't mistaking their friendship for a desire to reconcile.

Again, I always think it comes down to your own attitude. Are you being friends because you're licking up crumbs in the desperate hope he'll come back? I feel a lot like folks here (and probably IRL) feel like any friendly interaction automatically fits that mold. But I don't think so. I think if you are able to step back and understand what is going on, where you are, where he is, and be OK with what is happening in the moment, for his sake or yours or the eventual R, whatever that might look like... that is all OK and truly DBing as long as you're keeping the same basic rules about focusing on yourself and not pursuing.

Cardinal, I say all this because I feel this is you. In your posts you seem strong and wise. It seems like you have that big picture understanding of what is happening in your sitch, with your H, with your own reactions or non-reactions... it is really impressive. Nice job too on separating expectations from hope. That is so key and something I know I still need to work on. I know I've read here too about the difference between the friendly neighbor interaction and the friends/significant other interaction is that you have certain expectations of your friends, and you don't for the nice neighbor or check-out clerk. So it seems like you are really perfecting that.

Maybe it is enough to keep working on the core changes I've already begun to make, to keep living and reinforcing those, day by day, so that they will continue to grow and strengthen.

Yes, I think so. I think it is exhausting to focus so much of your energy on your H and what is working and what isn't... focusing on you and what serves you now that you've hit some level of stride I think is good and important. You need a break sometimes.

My H has been talking about making a record player table and storage rack. We'll see how that goes!

(((HUGS))) you are doing so well!!