There is this person in my house who looks like my husband, and every day acts more like my husband, but still I have to treat him like a skittish cat on the days he needs space, or like an annoying roommate on the days I need mine. And I'm constantly thinking about how he could pull the rug out from under me at any moment. Or that he's going to try to just back pedal into this marriage like nothing happened like OW did with her bf.
WF, things do appear to be calming a bit. I'm glad your H could acknowledge your support. You're doing so well. It's the constantly thinking that you can work on controlling, right? Both of those scenarios are in the unknown future, and they don't need your energy. (Easier said than done, yes, because I struggle with this too, so of course I am typing it out here!) Just person-who-looks-like-H/cat/roommate, hour by hour, day by day. In the present.
Originally Posted by wayfarer
I just would love to be at the point where I can just let my guard down. Where I don't have to constantly watch what I say or do or think or feel. Where I can just be me and don't have to worry if I'm pushing or pursuing or that anything I could've done or said or thought or felt was taken as such. Where I can just exist and the repercussion for that aren't him saying he's looking at apartments or leaving altogether.
This is the dream! And then I feel like the part of me that aspires toward a more zen-like attitude would say, you can just exist, you can get to this place, even if it is only fleeting, only for a few minutes sometimes, you can get there, you have been there, you are there, etc. Am I just talking nonsense right now? Suddenly it feels like it. Hang in there, WF!
