Learning how to stand, hope, & keep moving

[cardinal]

Well, I feel like I have been gone from here forever, and it's been only a few days—all this extra light from daylight saving time really has made the days feel longer, I guess! The weekend was calm, as in I felt grounded emotionally, worked in the yard, read a book. I was reflecting on your posts and the distinctions between friendliness and friends.

Things with H were slightly strange in that he texted me several times, once to make a joke about something in the house when I wasn't there, and once to ask about groceries, which he never does, and then some follow-up jokey texts. So more virtual and in-person engagement... He was home all day dehydrating fruit on Sunday and brought me bites to try throughout the day, started tiny conversations, played records, asked about some brownies I made and later ate some. He also worked on a woodworking project outside, which he used to love and hasn't done for a very long time—he made a very nice display/rack for his growing record collection. (May, it seems to have doubled in a week! And it's mainly old favorites of his that he's started listening to again.)

I came home at one point to find him making his comfort food for dinner, and he had headphones on and was watching a show on his ipad as he chopped. He saw me and took his headphones off to show me something, then left them off and watched with the volume up as he cooked instead. This from a guy who used to never take his headphones off when I was in the house. With his music drifting through the house the last couple of weeks and, then, this tv show, it's like we're breathing the same air again, experiencing (a teeny tiny bit) of the same reality.

Also, I think a lot of people on these boards are dealing with WSs with whom the friendship is gone and the WS is acting in all ways like a jerk. I do think there is a real difference in our sitchs than those where the WS is actively demonizing the LBS, the home situation is untenable, everyone feels like garbage all the time, etc.

H was mostly a jerk for the first six months, so maybe this is why this is on my mind now. At first, post BD, it was all about me wanting to be consistent no matter his mood, me trying to be friendly all the time, and sometimes it was met with friendliness in return, usually not. Once I switched to not trying but simply being, not reaching out, but simply being available to respond--well, that seems to have made a difference these last few months.

Everything he says and does at the moment seems to be geared towards minimizing his discomfort. Maybe there will be some moment in the future when he actually considers the pain his choices have caused for his wife and family but that is not where he is now. Friendly not friends. I don't want to soothe his guilt. But more than that I think it is a boundary that helps protect my heart right now.

You explained this so clearly, belleva. Your H reminds me a bit of the way May's H was (and other WASes here), of wanting to remain good friends, this fantasy idea of what D could look like. I can see how friendly not friends becomes all the more important. My H never talks about what he envisions or plans or wants, hasn't brought up D since November, so it's hard for me to imagine what it would be like to navigate this kind of muddled thinking in a spouse. It sounds, horrible, of course! But it's very good that you know your boundaries and are living them.

Friends/friendship/foundation. That is interesting isn’t it?

Yes, a friendship would be required for a rekindling or building a new relationship or marriage. However, I think we need to go through the stage of less friends and more just friendly.

Yes--H and I are not friends now, as much as I would like that. I see on his part lately more friendliness, and on my part friendliness in return (e.g. engaging when engaged). I see compassionate indifference as the foundation for friendship (if and when, as May wrote, the LBS has a willingness to reestablish that connection, as desired by the WAS). Eventual friendship as the foundation for reconnection and M 2.0.

Your strong friendship will make a good foundation. It also let you overlook many things. Your friendship with H needs to grow - at a later time, for he is not ready right now.

Also important--recognizing this need for growth, and recognizing it cannot happen now. But recognizing first the need for growth feels like an important step. Trusting that the foundation will remain even if I'm not actively making repairs right now.

I felt simple gratitude for the weekend friendliness as it was unfolding, still a tiny bit curious about the why, but that was in the background and didn't consume my thoughts; by the end of the day, I realized all of the positives I'd noted had made me feel hopeful, and then I realized that my hope has begun to evolve from short term w/ expectations (Maybe this means he won't file, is what I would have found myself hoping/fretting over pretty recently, but it wasn't that) to a more open-ended hope (I believe there is a future with us in it). I'm glad to see I've started to change the way I hope. I've managed to weed out some expectation. So much of my mental/internal changes seem to happen when I'm not focusing on making them happen. -->

Beliefs take time, they are slow to change.

The concrete “feeling” you seek grows stronger and stronger as more and more days of living by your values accumulate.

As for items on your list, do not forget the ones you already possessed and strengthened. Loyalty, faithfulness, honesty, trustworthiness, and so on. The progress made here, the strength that these current traits gain is incredible, and once realized add much to that concrete feeling.

Both points seem obvious, yet I didn't think of them! Thanks for reminding me how this works, DnJ. It's not all about how many changes we can make in ourselves; it's also about recognizing and strengthening our already-admirable qualities. Yes. I feel like a portion of my brain is still devoted to finding more potential 180s I might've overlooked—the same portion that repeats, Do more of what works! Do less of what doesn't! Be unpredictable! Maybe it is enough to keep working on the core changes I've already begun to make, to keep living and reinforcing those, day by day, so that they will continue to grow and strengthen.

I'm sorry I can't write short posts! It's a new week. I've got extra GAL on the calendar, including an art class I signed up for. Wishing you all health and longer, brighter days ahead.