The "While Your Spouse Decides" was probably the first blog on here that I read. And I read it over and over. My H didn't get my friendship when he really, really didn't deserve it. When he was very busy demonizing me and treating our home like his crash pad. I tried to go dark and he got worse. Treating him as a friendly neighbor shifted things immediately. As time went on and he softened and started to become himself again it was hard not to be friends again. Even when he was prepared to leave me for OW he still couldn't help but share things with me. He had her to talk to all day every day should he so choose but he would follow me around while I was actively avoiding him just so he could share with me. Because our friendship mattered. And I listened even if I wanted to choke him sometimes because our friendship mattered to me. If I must be completely honest he doesn't probably fully "deserve" my friendship now, but we were friends before we dated, before we were lovers, co-parents, husband and wife. We were friends for years first. And my H was and is one of my best friends. When it was obvious that the friendship he wanted so badly between us wasn't just to fill his needs I softened. I'm not holding parts of myself hostage until he reaches a socially acceptable point at which people on this board and IRL feel like he deserves it. My H and I are no where near reconciliation. But the friendship we have has been flourishing since OW left the picture. He's still unsure of what he wants but I'm patient. And I know that he wants and needs my friendship. So he can have it. Like David says in the blog, "Perhaps all that will survive is friendship, but by preserving a friendship, you always leave the door open to something more." Like every thing on here it's not one size fits all. It never will be. But Cardinal has a point. The attitude regarding interactions around the WAS/WS is a little different now than it used to be. There's so much hard lining on limited contact, limited kindness, limited friendship, limited physical contact, limited everything. Some times you just have to go against the grain and see what happens. That's what DR says try things see what sticks and fails. So for some of us it might be friendship.

Cardinal I love the bit about candy, and your self improvement is beyond impressive. (((hugs)))