I'm deeply sorry to read your updates. Why does your husband need to go and buy a house for himself so quickly? Buying a house is a major long term decision. He's still living there with you and not even divorced yet. It seems like he's all over the place and not acting rationally.
I can see how his actions keep you on edge. I had a friend visiting this past weekend and it turns out her husband had an affair recently. I asked her what were the first signs? She said he started being mean to me. It's not just your husband but many people out there who become angry and blame their spouse when they're having an affair and want out of the marriage but they realize it's not so easy and there are consequences.
Sure it'd be great to walk away from a marriage as the victim, with sympathy from all, and without losing money or having to move but it doesn't work like that. I think you are witnessing your husband going through this process of feeling alive again and happy because he's having an affair and he loves how the OW makes him feel but on the other hand he's still married, with you, and he knows what he's doing is wrong and he can't just walk away without going through the divorce process and losing money. He's probably also cognizant of the fact that the affair may not work out. Perhaps one day everything is perfect with the other woman and he's sure she'll give him what you didn't (from his warped perspective). This boldens him and fuels his anger against you and makes him speed up the divorce but another day she might have doubts or hesitate with him or they have a fight and then he's not so sure about what he's doing. Then he warms up to you again or slows down the divorce.
The funny thing is how we're the ones who are left alone to sink or swim and these cheaters aren't brave enough to be on their own. They are so afraid of being alone they'll come running home if the affair doesn't work out yet they still resent you and they'll leave again when the opportunity arises. The problem is they only think of themselves.
It's so hard to discover these flaws in a person that you love and trust. It might even be possible that you didn't save your marriage two years ago because of your actions but because your husband had some affair going on behind-the scenes and it ended so he came back.
You could disengage from these anger fueled conversations that leave you feeling so awful. It just seems like torture for you to have to go through this day-after-day. All this uncertainty wondering when your husband will come home and what mood he'll be in. Then when he's not home you wonder what he's doing with this other woman. It's such a miserable feeling. It's so natural and normal for us to want to save our marriages but it seems there's just no chance when someone is in the early stages of a new affair. Perhaps your husband will keep doing everything he can to batter you down to make the divorce easier for himself and to blame you for everything but you don't have to play along.
As you recall in my situation I had to move away and start over. That may or may not be an option for you but it doesn't hurt to think about what kind of life you want for yourself if this doesn't work out. Also if you have a child you'll want to protect him and put his interests first. It's hard to think about these things when all you want to do is reconcile with your husband who you love. It's hard and it doesn't all happen in one day. I know the emotions you're feeling so well. I'm so sorry KitKat. Just believe from one cheated on person to another that you may not have been the best or most perfect wife but this is all happening because of your husband's decision to go outside of the marriage, not because of you. You could have done the same thing - you could have met a guy at work and started an affair and then blamed your husband for his shift work and for not meeting your needs. You didn't though because you know that's wrong. You stuck with your husband because you're loyal and you're committed to your marriage. Even if you weren't meeting his needs recently you were a loyal wife. Loyalty means something in this world. There's a lot to discover and learn as each day goes by and you're challenging yourself more than ever now. You didn't want this but when I read your updates I see your willingness to learn and force yourself to change even when it's not easy for you. You're doing your best. I hope your husband will be one of the few who wake up and realize what he's losing.
