Things have continued to just be weird. Zero mention of moving out since the parent teacher conference. He had some one on one time with D17 while I was out Friday since I went right after work. And then he dropped her by a friend. She wanted me to know she had a good time with him which I thought was sweet. I thought he was asleep when I got home, as soon as I started to doze off he climbed in bed. On Saturday we spent very little time together. He went and hung out with a friend who kinda checked out when the A started. And I had my own GALing going on. But Saturday night with no kids yet again he wanted to cuddle and watch TV sleep in the bed again. Sunday he did a really big practice run. He only has one more really big practice run before he needs to taper down. He asked that I pick up a bunch of recovery stuff for him while I was out and asked if I could get him food to eat like immediate since he was trying to walk off a cramp before heading home and getting in the bath. He must have told me how much he appreciated me like 10 times. I finally said I don't really know what to say to that. You're welcome? Thank you? I said I promised you 4 months ago I'd support you in this like I did last time. Even if we weren't in a great space I meant it. He just kinda looked down and said I know. I just wanted you to know that I do see how much you are supporting me in this.
He's texting a lot, and volunteering a lot of info about where he's going, what he's doing, who he'll be with, when he'll be home. Complimenting the way I look even in front of the kids. This work week he started checking in during the day, and not about dinner or the kids. It's not like it used to be by any means but it's so different from the way it was just a month or 2 ago. Limbo honestly is rough. There is this person in my house who looks like my husband, and every day acts more like my husband, but still I have to treat him like a skittish cat on the days he needs space, or like an annoying roommate on the days I need mine. And I'm constantly thinking about how he could pull the rug out from under me at any moment. Or that he's going to try to just back pedal into this marriage like nothing happened like OW did with her bf. I just would love to be at the point where I can just let my guard down. Where I don't have to constantly watch what I say or do or think or feel. Where I can just be me and don't have to worry if I'm pushing or pursuing or that anything I could've done or said or thought or felt was taken as such. Where I can just exist and the repercussion for that aren't him saying he's looking at apartments or leaving altogether.
IC was weird this week as well. We spoke very briefly about dealing with my anxiety when he vacillates so quickly. And a bit about listening about the break up stuff. But she felt like we're in a pretty neutral space right now and wanted to shift gears to my depression and my mom's passing. It very quickly brought up a lot. And I was crying on and off a lot yesterday. I'm starting to worry that this crisis in my marriage just helped me bury all that mess further instead of moving past it. Which I'm sure that's something that I'll have to address the next time I see her. I'm in a better head space today. But being as raw as I was yesterday was a little surprising and a little worrisome as well.
