Knowing my situation and talking with my daughter everyday, therefore seeing/talking a little with my wife, what boundaries should I be setting?
W doesn't live here. Most of her stuff is here...except her clothes which I bagged up and threw into the garage. She finally picked those up after weeks. She still texts logistics and now asked to go to gymnastics tonight.
Knowing my situation and talking with my daughter everyday, therefore seeing/talking a little with my wife, what boundaries should I be setting?
Personal experience on this - whatever boundaries you try to enforce, the WW will try and push them... I'm sure many get a kick out of still trying to control / test you.
When Facetiming keep it about your daughter.. Unfortunetly your WW will be on the other end, so she will always have some control. If did reference this in my sitch - once my WW moved out, i facetimed my girls on a daily basis ( on the days they werent with me ) for the first couple of weeks... But soon realised that the WW was calling the shots on when we spoke, how long we spoke and that the WW was on the phone more than my girls - She was still trying to control me using Facetime - My solution was to just stop Facetiming. I can live without seeing my girls every day - I just make the most of the time when they are at mine.
As for boundaries - Your WW doesn't respect you. So its important to stick to boundaries that you can actually enforce. Its pointless having boundaries if you crumble in a day - that doesnt build respect and makes you look weak.
You also need to understand that having boundaries will probably annoy her / make it seem like you are pushing her futher away. - She is lost anyway, but your conscience will be telling you the exact opposite of what people write here. She will take, take take and cake eat whenever you allow her - you need to be strong.
In my sitch, my main boundary is minimal contact and only about the children. I refuse to allow her to step foot into my house - ever. This drives her insane. She is curious as to what i've done to the house and has even "insisted as the gilrs mother she should be allowed to check the house etc" - but i will never back down from this. - Re general chit chat - Checkout girl chat - A polite hi / bye for the sake of the children - Re all logistics about kids - text only. I totally ignore anything not child related. If the phone rings, i refuse to answer. This is usually a message - "answer your phone" - i never will and she knows this, but even 12 months later she trys to push my boundaries. You really need to understand this is a long term situation and you need to be strong - or she will chew you up.
Previous username - Helpme123.. A name chosen at a desperate time..
Now Mr Brightside.. coming out of my cage, and doing just fine.
First, I appreciate all of the advice. It's nice to know I have somewhere to turn. I'm trying to end contact as much as possible but then I get pulled back in. Just today she texted me asking to come to gymnastics (for my daughter) tomorrow. I waited hours before I texted her back but I caved. I feel like I'm depriving my daughter if I say no. Obviously I have alternative motives too but shouldn't I put my daughter first? She constantly asks for me when she's with her and the vice verse. It's all hard.
Also, my IC said she thinks I should go to MC but individually while alternating weeks. The MC has agreed to meet me without her but I haven't asked him his thoughts. He honestly is a nice, caring guy who continues to tell her seeing the OM right now is wrong and unhealthy, regardless of what she wants to do with me. I do think he pushes her a bit and if I'm not there then she won't get pissed off and shut down like she always does when I'm there.
Thoughts?
I'd be a gymnastics for my daughter. Period. Regardless of what my WAS said or did. I was far from a perfect father, but one thing I am proud of that I got right: I never missed my D's events or games. Not once.
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
Also, my IC said she thinks I should go to MC but individually while alternating weeks. The MC has agreed to meet me without her but I haven't asked him his thoughts. He honestly is a nice, caring guy who continues to tell her seeing the OM right now is wrong and unhealthy, regardless of what she wants to do with me. I do think he pushes her a bit and if I'm not there then she won't get pissed off and shut down like she always does when I'm there.
Thoughts?
Sounds like you're searching for the magic elixir to fix this. It doesn't exist. Forget about her counseling, forget about some counselor "pushing" her and that's going to do anything.
You should go to all your kids events. You should not facetime. You should list out your 180s and get to work on your personal growth. You should list out some GAL ideas and get started with that. Stop pursuing her altogether.
H 34 W 29 BD 3/12/18 Divorce Busted Spring 19
It is not things that bother us, but the stories we tell ourselves about things.
Sounds like you're searching for the magic elixir to fix this. It doesn't exist. Forget about her counseling, forget about some counselor "pushing" her and that's going to do anything.
You should go to all your kids events. You should not facetime. You should list out your 180s and get to work on your personal growth. You should list out some GAL ideas and get started with that. Stop pursuing her altogether.
I don't understand how alternating weeks with the MC isn't smart? He knows us both (we saw him well before d-day while she was in the affair...she want honest there either but now it's known). I don't have to be in the room with my W while using a therapist who knows both of us. IC is a good idea so why isn't this? My IC doesn't know her.
Last edited by job; 03/11/2008:25 PM. Reason: fixed quote
I think the point is do you think her attending MC by herself every other week is going to "fix" her?
No but she has stated she has a lot of work to do on herself. She is seeing her IC in addition to MC. And the last MC session, the night after her IC session, she was more emotionally available than ever before. I feel like the two together will help her out if her fog while keeping boundaries between us.
I am seeing the MC tonight by myself to see what he thinks. Before I proposed Tgi's he said coming together will help us process this for the sake of our daughter, at he very least.
I feel like the two together will help her out if her fog while keeping boundaries between us.
What we are telling you is that this is dangerous expectation. No expectations. Assume the worst, hope for the best.
As I said before, sometimes the fog becomes the new normal. Sitting around expecting she is imminently going to snap out of it will trip you up from what you should be doing: GAL, 180s, detaching.
Last edited by Steve85; 03/10/2003:01 PM.
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
And the last MC session, the night after her IC session, she was more emotionally available than ever before. I feel like the two together will help her out if her fog while keeping boundaries between us.
Sorry - But you are chasing rainbows. Your wife is an addict - pure and simple. You are using logic - in a situation saturated with emotion. You may have felt that she was emotionally available, but it would be short term. In the 3 months i lived with my WW, there were odd days when she would ask for a hug, or admit she had lied.. 12 hours later and she was gone again. It was as and when it suited here - cake eating.
Last edited by MrBrside; 03/10/2003:23 PM.
Previous username - Helpme123.. A name chosen at a desperate time..
Now Mr Brightside.. coming out of my cage, and doing just fine.
it's just quite strange and something is off. It's not MC when you both go alone. Why would you have the same IC as your W? What benefit do you see to this?
I saw you mentioned that you think this will help her out of her fog...I don't think it will. I think time and space will though.
I also saw on page 1 therapy is to figure it out if you want a divorce and to mediate? This just doesn't make sense either.
Quote
Before I proposed Tgi's he said coming together will help us process this for the sake of our daughter, at he very least.
What does this mean?
H 34 W 29 BD 3/12/18 Divorce Busted Spring 19
It is not things that bother us, but the stories we tell ourselves about things.
