Thanks for the kind advice os2. To be frank i don't know if there's an OM involved but I'm treating as it exists.
She did offer to show me her phone contents but back then I didn't want to call her bluff so I didn't ask for it.
It's going to be hard for her NOT to interact to the OM because the OM i suspect is her coworker.
And now she's expressing her feelings on Facebook for everyone to see by posting those "inspirational quotes" on her page. Most of them were quotes about "Trust being broken and hard to mend it" or "Leave, don't continue watering a dead flower"
And the most recent ones were "Loneliness is dangerous. It's addictive. Once you see how peaceful it is, you don't want to deal with people."
This is not the first that she's voicing her discontent on FB for our friends and relatives to see. We've had a fight before about this and now she's starting it again. I'm not going to fall into that again and undo what I've done so far. I just can't understand what's the point of her doing that; is it for me? Or is it to show to someone else that she's all alone in her quest?
And her mood swings are getting unpredictable these few days. One day she will be cordial and just tonight, she had a face so black that it seems like someone tripped her wires. I kinda broke the LRT by asking what's wrong (yeah, i regret it a little) and she just said nothing happened.
By the way, finally received the DR book via amazon today; it's gonna be a long night for me!
Oh one more thing; she has a last drinking with her girlfriends this sat and she's not setting any new events from then on. But I'm wary because she will do things randomly now. I hope she doesn't go out that much so she can spend more time with the kids to be honest. But it's not for me to control.
M(36), W(36), D(6), D(4) M-7, T-8 Bomb Drop - Nov 28, 2019 W requested separation - Sep 30, 2020
Forget about her social media. It means nothing. It's not helping you. She's doing it to justify her affair and her horrible, but typical WW actions. Delete your Facebook. Be mysterious. GAL. Stop worrying about her. Stop thinking about her. Stop trying to analyze her moves. Your story is so similar to the thousands of situations that have come through here. You need to absorb a lot of information quickly.
Originally Posted by Ahkuei
To be frank i don't know if there's an OM involved but I'm treating as it exists.
Maybe your forgot your first post where you mention she is staying out all night, drinking, spending, getting tattoos and texting another man whose family is trying to get your W to back off?
H 34 W 29 BD 3/12/18 Divorce Busted Spring 19
It is not things that bother us, but the stories we tell ourselves about things.
Forget about her social media. It means nothing. It's not helping you. She's doing it to justify her affair and her horrible, but typical WW actions. Delete your Facebook. Be mysterious. GAL. Stop worrying about her. Stop thinking about her. Stop trying to analyze her moves. Your story is so similar to the thousands of situations that have come through here. You need to absorb a lot of information quickly.
Originally Posted by Ahkuei
To be frank i don't know if there's an OM involved but I'm treating as it exists.
Maybe your forgot your first post where you mention she is staying out all night, drinking, spending, getting tattoos and texting another man whose family is trying to get your W to back off?
I echo the comments on SM. Get rid of it. More LBSs get tripped up by SM than any other thing.
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
Forget about her social media. It means nothing. It's not helping you. She's doing it to justify her affair and her horrible, but typical WW actions. Delete your Facebook. Be mysterious. GAL. Stop worrying about her. Stop thinking about her. Stop trying to analyze her moves. Your story is so similar to the thousands of situations that have come through here. You need to absorb a lot of information quickly.
I'm reading the forums more than i'm reading the bible now. And i'm starting on the DR as I just received it a couple of hours ago... And yes, I need to stop my nonsense in trying to figure her out. Thanks for pulling me back ovrrnbw...
Originally Posted by ovrrnbw
Maybe your forgot your first post where you mention she is staying out all night, drinking, spending, getting tattoos and texting another man whose family is trying to get your W to back off?
Yes that's the coworker but I do not have hard evidence that they are having EA or PA, the only source of info i got was from the family members of the coworker reaching out to me. That's actually incriminating enough but I don't know why I am still giving her the benefit of doubt. Maybe I'm still trying to grasp whatever little hope I have that she's no longer the same person i married.
And again, really thank you all for the support. Even though we are thousand of miles apart I can feel you guys rooting me on!
Last edited by Ahkuei; 03/10/2003:27 PM.
M(36), W(36), D(6), D(4) M-7, T-8 Bomb Drop - Nov 28, 2019 W requested separation - Sep 30, 2020
Journaling after a long 6 months break. Nothing much has changed during these 6 months; hot and cold rollercoaster ride, sudden anxiety attacks, etc.
The funny thing is, the more time passes, the easier it gets. My anxiety attacks became less frequent and shorter in duration, I stopped thinking about the future so much about having a life together with my W (not saying totally, there were moments of weakness i must admit...), and generally I became someone that I would personally prefer if I compared against my last year self.
I've been spending a hell lot of time with the kids. W has been frequently hanging out with friends over dinner and such. At first I was resenting that how could she do these to the kids. But eventually, I sort of started to enjoy the fact that I have more time with my kids alone! I even brought them out to zoos and parks when she wasn't around! Loved it!
Another item that I've noticed is that I no longer care that much if my W has OM or not. Yes I will still be pissed off if i discover it but I've come to terms that her having an OM is a symptom; something that i do not have control of.
I've started a lot of new things for myself, went for gym and thai boxing classes and lost 15KGs till date, started to slowly learn the piano, on my way to fix my clarinet (i used to be a clarinet player when i was young) so I can teach my kids music too.. GAL the S&*( out of it haha!
It might seem generally it is smooth sailing but I do have my downs too. Anxiety attacks (less frequent now) and self-doubts happens and I felt as if a truck hit me and my heart was up on my throat. Had to distract myself for a few hours before the feeling subsides... that feeling [censored] but I guess given enough time I will grow out of it.
I've also been seeing a therapist ever since DDAY back in November last year. She's been trying to nudge me to open up communication with my W but I told her I'm not initiating and R talks unless she does because if I do it, it's a push. My W wants space and time and I'm giving a truckload of it to her.
I've been mostly cordial and friendly towards my W all the way. Chirpy tone and being a friend to her. She was sometimes joking or laughing at my jokes but most of the time she was just doing her own things and living her own life. I made it a point to steer clear of her life unless she asks me for help.
And now.. today is our 7th wedding anniversary. So i just went ahead and delivered a small bouquet of flowers(not roses), and only mentioned happy anniversary on the card. I'm not expecting her to thank me for it because I didn't want to break the tradition (I guess it's a wrong move) but she did respond:
Coldly.
"Thanks for the flowers but don't need to send me in the future."
Took me a few mins to collect myself and I responded "Have a great day ahead."
And then she started her usual antics of staying late for work and settling dinner herself, leaving me and the kids at home (I'm working from home because of COVID). Nowadays I feel that whenever she does that she's trying to draw the old me to start an argument; so that she can justify to herself that what she's doing to me and the kids is right because I was a jerk back then (to be honest, I was just a clueless H whom couldn't keep up with her, and my rare anger outbursts (twice) at the kids which I've totally gotten rid of)
"No worries." I replied. And then i quickly pivot my thoughts on what's for dinner with my kids tonight! I think i want to have steak to celebrate a little i guess...
Guess at the end of it I'm still not 100% there yet because it hurt a little today.
Any sage advice on how I can improve myself further and get rid of that hurt eventually? I still love my wife but I don't want to "nice" her back. I want her back on her own accord and start working on our M2.0. I don't want to go back to the old one anyway (wasn't that enjoyable back then in hindsight).
And lastly, thanks for hearing me out; whoever that's out there reading my long-winded journal!
M(36), W(36), D(6), D(4) M-7, T-8 Bomb Drop - Nov 28, 2019 W requested separation - Sep 30, 2020
Sorry about your situation. Mine is very similar so I understand what you're going through. In fact, this past weekend was my 7th wedding anniversary. In the first few months post-BD I tried flowers several times they did not work. Now I don't bother and have gotten to a point where I didn't even acknowledge the anniversary and you know what? The day wasn't as much of a trigger as my family and friends who reached out thought it would be. I went to a lake house with friends instead of my W, and it was fine...life goes on.
Hang in there!
Me:39 Ex-W:37 M:7 T: 9 S:6 D:3 BD/IHS/Confirm EA/PA: Feb '20 OM1 affair ends: May '20 W/OM2 & moves out: June-July '20 W files for D: Jul20 OM2 confirmed: 9/2020 Divorced: May '21
When you didn't acknowledge the anniversary, did you W picked a fight purposely or show up with actions that will grind your gears a little?
My W simply threw in work overtime and skipped dinner with the kids and me altogether today which to me felt like she did it on purpose. A little bummed out by this but like you said, life goes on.
I just hope that I have it in me to see this ordeal thru and emerge a better person. Generally I'm fine but then anxiety sets in (which is mostly triggered by my W actions that threw me off-guard) I tend to overthink and when i overthink I panic, and my mental strength just falls like dominos.
But I'm glad to say that I'm fixing back the dominos faster now haha...
M(36), W(36), D(6), D(4) M-7, T-8 Bomb Drop - Nov 28, 2019 W requested separation - Sep 30, 2020
When you didn't acknowledge the anniversary, did you W picked a fight purposely or show up with actions that will grind your gears a little?
No fighting or grinding of gears. Neither of us said a word about it. I was very aware of the date and assume she was as well. Though, not sure if you've read my sitch but W moved out so had the kids most of the day, only saw her briefly for drop-off, and my W has shown little indecision or regret to date common in other sitches on this board.
Originally Posted by Ahkuei
My W simply threw in work overtime and skipped dinner with the kids and me altogether today which to me felt like she did it on purpose. A little bummed out by this but like you said, life goes on.
A lot of people on here talk about no expectations - assuming the worst from your spouse and being surprised (if not skeptical) at positive signs - it took me awhile to fully understand that, and easier said than done.
Originally Posted by Ahkuei
I just hope that I have it in me to see this ordeal thru and emerge a better person. Generally I'm fine but then anxiety sets in (which is mostly triggered by my W actions that threw me off-guard) I tend to overthink and when i overthink I panic, and my mental strength just falls like dominos.
But I'm glad to say that I'm fixing back the dominos faster now haha...
It'll come - just keep focusing on you and your kids!
Me:39 Ex-W:37 M:7 T: 9 S:6 D:3 BD/IHS/Confirm EA/PA: Feb '20 OM1 affair ends: May '20 W/OM2 & moves out: June-July '20 W files for D: Jul20 OM2 confirmed: 9/2020 Divorced: May '21
Coldly. "Thanks for the flowers but don't need to send me in the future."
Took me a few mins to collect myself and I responded "Have a great day ahead."
If she's in an EA or a PA things will *not* improve for you. All you can do is really avoid making things worse -- and sometimes making things worse is actually better for you in the long run.
In order for her to notice you in a positive light her affair needs to end, she needs to mourn the loss of it, have some emotional space to reset and figure herself out without any outside emotional pressure (from you) and once her grieving is done she needs to decide not to replace her affair with another one.
For you that means a lot of waiting, more patience than you think you're capable of. It's a marathon not a sprint.
