thank you Alison, I appreciate it. I realised one more reason why I'm feeling sad: this time last year H was moving towards me and being very warm, and I had a lot of hope for R. Then he ran away again and has never really come back. I know that's his stuff and not mine, but it feels now like I have to drop the rope for good. This detachment business is no easy task. I think another reason for my current spinning (which is NOTHING compared with previous spinning) is that there is so much uncertainty in the future regardless of H. Career stuff continues to feel like a mountain to climb.
You're right though, little steps. I will take those and I will also book a holiday for ds2 and myself at Easter, he's being a not very nice teen about everything right now, but if I just tell him he's going we will have fun regardless smile The bigger travel plans are still on hold while I wait to find out if things are going to be cancelled. I really want something out of the ordinary to look forward to!