Affair Fog-LRT

[oceangrl]

I do have to ask, you say you love her and want to save things, but she is actively in an affair. One she refuses to stop. At this point what are you trying to save?

I guess I'm trying to save us. I keep reading about the affair fog and if she is in it, which a lot of things sound like she is, her behavior is typical. Meaning, wanting to keep me as plan B until she's out of the fog. But I could be just telling myself that.

Everything I read and learn in therapy is time is on my side. I guess I'm taking it hoping she will come back. So filing for divorce isn't following that plan. Why file now if I can later? To scare her into reality?

No, you file now so you can move forward. I am staunchly anti-D, unless a spouse is in an active affair. When that is the case, and they are unabashed about it "Yes, I am still in contact with OP and no I won't stop." then what alternatives does the LBS have?

So absolutely, do not file until you are ready to file. I guess if you aren't ready, my only question would be: if your W leaving and refusing to stop the affair doesn't make you ready, what would?

I wish a thousand times over OP that I had this site and advice when I found out about my husband's affair. It would have saved me so much confusion, torture, mistakes, and gotten me off the hopium. I am a fixer also. And I thought I could persuade my husband into doing what's right. Listen, if that were true, I would have the happiest damn marriage on the planet.

My husband had a two year EA/PA with one of my good friends. So I know well the pain and shock you are feeling. It's the worst. But it does get better.

For affair fog to clear, they must be in absolute no contact and she would have to go through withdrawals. which aren't pretty. An A is a literal dopamine addiction. And even then, it doesn't mean you will be together again. My husband, three years later, still claims they had an amazing connection and I think he wishes they could be together (she went back to her husband) or he could find someone just like her. Puke. It also took him forever to end it. I heard every excuse, "we just need to wean off of each other."

Get off the roller coaster.

Right now work on you. Loving you. Understanding you are a catch and you will be happy no matter what. Detach from the crazy. Don't let it affect every area of your life. She has become a lying cheater and she will lie and cheat you to get what she believes she needs. Be careful.

The only way for you to be together again is for you to stand up for yourself. To completely detach and move forward. If a cheater gets a whiff that you are in the wings just waiting for them, you're screwed. I was a Plan B for way too long. with any luck the bottom will fall out of this relationship once it hits the light of day.

But those are all if's. Focus on you. Take the advice here. It will either save your marriage or save you. This site has been a lifesaver for me. Keep reading and keep posting. Go to Cadet's thread above and READ everything. I would pay attention to Sandi's rules.

Good luck my friend.