Just Keep Swimming: Detaching, LRT 2

[oceangrl]

Thank you CWarrior and May for your support and advice. I appreciate it so much. May, I will get to your questions tomorrow I promise. It wasn't a great weekend and I took some space to take care of myself. And yes! I did go to the beach to sit. And cry.

Anyway, Somehow we got in an R talk. I think because we went to MC. The session was fine, it was the first with this therapist and I thankfully like him. So I think we started talking later.

He basically said he doesn't have the desire to make it work. And he said that he has these judgements against me. I told him I can't do anything about that. He has made me a monster ( that began during his PA -- if I am a monster then he doesn't feel like he's a bad person for what he is doing) in his head, and I told him it's his job to address those feelings. I told him that if he could look at me like that after he had a PA with a friend of ours and I didn't smear him or expose him and I've never taken the kids from him, then I can't "prove" anything to him. It's his choice to see me that way. He tried to pin me down with what D would look like but I dodged it for the most part except to say that I would disagree with him in areas and I wouldn't let him make me feel bad for it to get me to do what he wants. It's so discouraging. His job is struggling and I don't know if he could pay what he agreed to anyway. I have to find a remote job somehow due to my kid's schedules. It's all so overwhelming.

At the same time, I think some things I learned here kicked in. I felt sad but I didn't beat myself up the way I would have before for how he saw me. I didn't need his validation, or for him to like me. In fact, I realized how sad and pathetic he was. And what a fool for giving up such a beautiful family. He is almost 50 and walking out the door because he is a victim (I'm a monster) and the grass is greener out there. I have been through two failed businesses with him. I have been through his 2 year A. His constant business traveling where I hold the fort down. I've supported his expensive hobbies. I keep myself fit and the house clean. I told him that I am tired of the way he constantly criticizes me. How I can't win with him. If I do something good, he feels it should have been better. The way he compares me to other women. What I wouldn't give for appreciation, admiration, respect.

Anyway, I went outside and just felt it all. My whole life changing because he is so selfish. And I began to talk to God. And honestly, this peace came over me. That I had done everything I could do. That I had remained true to my values. I'm not perfect, but I've tried to do the right thing. I just saw my H as this pathetic shell of what he could be and once was. I am tired of him emotionally cutting me off when he is mad at me. And the phrase, "I don't have a desire to be married to you. Being married to you is misery." Like who says that? What kind of person says that. And after all I've been through, it didn't even really hurt. Because I realized he is a lying, cheating, double life living man who got a second chance and a wake up call and threw it away. I feel sad for him honestly.

I don't know what happens now. I am figuring things out. But I know I am going to advocate for myself and love myself. I'm really grateful for all of you. You have saved me in so many ways. I haven't even written the half of what I have been through with him. It doesn't really matter.