A few random responses that I wish to share. I'm sorry it's so long.
One quicknitem - is it necessary that you volunteer with WW? Can you find other options? Please do. Stretch yourself with new people. Ideally all strangers. It's amazing how helpful it can be to be around strangers and not friends who give you the "are you okay?" looks every minute of the day, reminding you of your sitch. I liked strangers early in my own pain
Remember that each one of us gives advice with a perspective on what we as individuals went through. Some are going through the tough part now, alongside you. Some are a few months or years "ahead" (not a great descriptor, but I think you know what I mean). Looking back at our own BDs and the fall-out (whatever that might be - tough D, combative S, gentle D, long term S, recon, etc etc etc) our own opinions of our situations and how we view others' changes. I can say I 100% view my XW differently now than I did a year ago. Not better or worse - it's just different. Time and distance does settle our souls and we start to consider the world in new ways. So just remember everyone who posts to you (or talks in real life!) is bringing their own past into the scenario, along with where they are on the journey.
Originally Posted by KristinG
It's just so hard when I thought that we were finally working on recon.
You were careful to say to us that you did not believe you were piecing. But we saw your hope, and you state it now that you thought you were there. I point this out only for one reason - I think you were censoring yourself and how you present here on the boards. Playing it safe with what you wrote. And that's totally ok - you owe us NOTHING. But I hope that no matter what is next for you you are always being open and honest with yourself in when you feel hope or expectations or considering what you want or your needs. I just hope that part of you is not censored to play a role. Do you journal for yourself only?
Originally Posted by KristinG
I know her heart still was very wounded and she was grieving the loss of AP. Those things take time. A few weeks of NC just doesn't make it go away and, more importantly, doesn't make those "in love" feelings return to the marriage.
I don't think you're necessarily wrong in this. It's more that this isn't your call to make. You can speculate until the cows come home but you will never know or experience exactly what WW is experiencing. Early in my sitch I had a similar script for my WAW in my head. "Oh, she's feeling _____ and so clearly acting _____ because ____ happened and now she's too _____ emotionally....". This isn't our story to write. Though partnered and we know our WASs more than anyone we still are not them. And if we stop to think about it, it's a bit invalidating. To claim we understand their emotions and their story and their experience BETTER than they do? I'd disagree with that thought process. I know I'd be pretty P.O.'d if if someone tried to explain away my own emotions. In fact, it has happened. Yep, I was P.O.'d. You can't dictate their process.
In the end: It doesn't matter. Really. I promise. It doesn't matter why she is back with AP or not back with AP or acting the way she is. It feels like it now, because a part of you thinks if you can identify the REASON and rationalize it away it will be a problem you can solve. I tore myself to shreds in this mentality of trying to find the one singular reason and how I might fix it logically. Only when I found myself letting go of my desire to figure it out did I stop actively spinning.
Originally Posted by May22
Going NC with her is not in the hopes that she'll see what she's missing... it is for you, to heal. Not for anyone else... for YOU.
Yes, yes, and YES. I get the sense you hoped NC would sway her, though you wanted it for you too. I promise you it's only for you. I promise it gets better once you go with NC for a significant amount of time. That is the only time my healing actually began. So, yes, I'm speaking from my perspective on this - but NC is the reason I'm so fulfilled and happy in my life now. Because I loved my XW as much as you love your WW. But we can't control them. So if this is the direction of the outcome - follow along.
You say that WW needs to wean AP out of her system. What if that's what you need too? You only can start to step back and follow your own advice. I think it's fear that stops you from doing it. You don't want to stop loving her, you don't want to lose a chance of recon. From my experience, you will not stop loving her just because you stop being with her or talking with her. You can carry along your history with you into your future. I still love my XW. I carry our history of love with me. But I don't want to talk to her. I know that at this point in time the NC is for me, and I don't really think about what she might want. And Recon - well that's not up to us, is it? If it was we would have had it.
