Sandi, as a Christian lady with perspective on the non-LBS's point of view, was there anything particular that made you turn back to your husband? Did you talk to God while you were going through everything? Did you hear from Him? If so, did it agree with what you wanted to do or did you have to explain it away?
Well, you know I can't answer with a few words.
I believe God speaks to us through His Word/Scriptures. I also believe the Holy Spirit can lead or convict the Christian......but the Spirit never contradicts the Word of God. I also believe the Christian must, first, confessed his/her sins, for God to hear the prayer. (I John 1:9) God is not a respecter of persons (Acts 10:34), which means He doesn't make exceptions for certain ones. God never contradicts His Word. He cannot agree with sin.
God did not speak to me directly, but if He had, He would not have agreed with what I wanted. How do I know? B/c God cannot fellowship with sin, and I knew I was living in disobedience. We can pray all the time, but if we are spiritually out of fellowship with God (living in disobedience to His Word), He is not going to answer or give us what we want. I knew not to ask God to bless anything that had to do with my A or breaking up my family.
I knew I was not living right, although I'd still join my H in attending church every Sunday. I remember asking God to help me, but then I would turn around and contact OM the minute I got home. God looks on the heart, and mine was a mess! After some time rocked on, I started seeing a few cracks in the OM. I was feeling so conflicted and I needed someone to talk to about my situation.....but I didn't want to talk about to someone I knew personally. So, one night I got on the computer to look for a Christian chat room. The one I tried were all joking around with each other, I felt they weren't really listening or taking me very seriously. I left that site pretty quickly and decided to search for marital help......and "just happened" to find the DB forum. I'd never been on a forum in my life (which is pretty obvious when reading my first thread). I "just happened" to get the board's best posters who talked to me straight.....which is what I wanted and needed. So, do I think it was all some random act that I found the right place and had the right posters tell me what I needed to know? No! I believe the timing was right, and I was in the right frame of mind to really hear what the posters were telling me. Just b/c we don't hear directly from God, doesn't mean He is not working through others and/or behind the scenes. Some may see this as the Holy Spirit's intervention, or not. All I know is that I'll never believe it was a random shot that I landed on the DB board..........after trying on a Christian chat room.
When I decided to do the right thing and end contact with OM, it was hard. I asked God to help me, but then I'd turn around and keep the fantasy alive by daydreaming of how "it could have been with OM". It took a while for me to come to terms with it, and realize that's why it was taking so long to get through the withdrawals. You can't keep the affair alive in your imagination. You have to kill it........even mentally.
At some point after that, I was finally praying seriously, and knew I had to dig deeper. I even asked God to help me feel remorse, b/c I had felt nothing. I laid it all out there, confessing everything and asking for God's forgiveness. I genuinely wanted my heart/spirit to be right with Him. I wanted to be free of the stubborn pride that had held me back. Finally the feelings of remorse hit me, and it was if the dam broke. It all unfolded so clearly in my head. If my H could forgive me, then why couldn't I forgive him for all his past mistakes. I didn't want to carry that resentment and disrespect for my H. I gave it all to God, and the humbleness filled my heart.
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
