I guess I would say there are times where she does things that don't seem like things someone seeking a divorce would do. And there have been a few instances regarding the safety of our daughter and my step-daughter. Things that are completely out of character for her. She has always been all about family. And now, she is acting as if she has zero consideration for her family at all.
All of this behavior is extremely common for a WAS. It seems out of character because she's no longer who you thought you knew. The W you fell in love with and married and built a life with has now been replaced with a different person. Things you did may have triggered this change, or may not have. But her values and interests are now drastically different. The goal of DB'ing isn't to get your old W and M back, both are gone. Your goal is to detach and GAL and pave the way for a possible new relationship with the new version of her.
This is so true. Captain, take it from someone that was able to start a new relationship with a new version of my W. The girl you married is gone. So, too, is the woman you knew before. Now, some parts of her might return. For instance, my W was at the point of giving up her spiritual beliefs. Her spiritual beliefs have returned, and are stronger than ever. But she is much more blunt, much less empathetic, than she was previously. She suffered from "Nice Girl Syndrome" previous to our sitch, and it's much more less caring of what people think now. So in some ways it is a positive, but it also means I had to adjust a lot to this new version.
If you came here thinking you could get the old her back with your old MR, then you need to adjust your thinking.
Last edited by Steve85; 03/09/2002:06 PM.
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
DR lists out several types of pursuit and the LBS is always like a child asking the teacher for an exception. Texting her every day is pursuit. I would stop texting her altogether. The LRT is super easy:
1. Stop pursuit 2. GAL 3. Wait and see.
It's like losing weight. Simple isn't easy. You need discipline and commitment.
I'd read all those link, several times. You need to give her space and time. You need that for yourself too. Focus on your healing and growth. Read the other threads here. You may read something good that you can use in your situation.
H 34 W 29 BD 3/12/18 Divorce Busted Spring 19
It is not things that bother us, but the stories we tell ourselves about things.
Captain, take it from someone that was able to start a new relationship with a new version of my W.
Read Steve's story when you get a chance. He reconciled, and he was a frequent poster throughout so it'll give you a great idea of what you will go through in the coming months. It's a long, difficult process, whether you reconcile or not.
Originally Posted by ovrrnbw
1. Stop pursuit 2. GAL 3. Wait and see.
And most of all- be patient. DB'ing requires a crazy amount of patience. People will try 1-3 and then add their own 4- "give it a day or two or three and then start pursuing again and temperature check her". Do that and it resets you all the way back to 0. People will do that over and over until they finally figure out that it isn't working and they need to detach. Detaching is really difficult, but critical.
DR lists out several types of pursuit and the LBS is always like a child asking the teacher for an exception. Texting her every day is pursuit. I would stop texting her altogether. The LRT is super easy:
Do you mean, stop initiating non-essential conversations via text altogether?
Because, of course, I have to communicate with her about our daughter at times.
I have been letting her initiate anything the last few days if it wasn't something important (which nothing has been over the weekend). And I was doing less last week.
She has a couple of times in the last week offered to do something for me, without my asking, or implying that it was something I thought about.
DR lists out several types of pursuit and the LBS is always like a child asking the teacher for an exception. Texting her every day is pursuit. I would stop texting her altogether. The LRT is super easy:
Do you mean, stop initiating non-essential conversations via text altogether?
Because, of course, I have to communicate with her about our daughter at times.
I have been letting her initiate anything the last few days if it wasn't something important (which nothing has been over the weekend). And I was doing less last week.
She has a couple of times in the last week offered to do something for me, without my asking, or implying that it was something I thought about.
Texting about your daughter doesn't count. Otherwise, do not call or text her.
If she calls, let it go to VM. If it is important she will leave a VM or followup with a text.
If the text is informational. "Daughter has dr. apptment at 4pm on Monday." there is no need to response. If she asks a direct question, answer not right away, but in your own time, and in as few words as possible. Yes or no questions get yes or no answers.
We see a lot of LBSs here with kids. Many of them use the kids as an excuse to stay in contact with their WAS. Do not do that. Essential contact ONLY!
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
DR lists out several types of pursuit and the LBS is always like a child asking the teacher for an exception. Texting her every day is pursuit. I would stop texting her altogether. The LRT is super easy:
Do you mean, stop initiating non-essential conversations via text altogether?
Because, of course, I have to communicate with her about our daughter at times.
I have been letting her initiate anything the last few days if it wasn't something important (which nothing has been over the weekend). And I was doing less last week.
She has a couple of times in the last week offered to do something for me, without my asking, or implying that it was something I thought about.
Texting about your daughter doesn't count. Otherwise, do not call or text her.
If she calls, let it go to VM. If it is important she will leave a VM or followup with a text.
If the text is informational. "Daughter has dr. apptment at 4pm on Monday." there is no need to response. If she asks a direct question, answer not right away, but in your own time, and in as few words as possible. Yes or no questions get yes or no answers.
We see a lot of LBSs here with kids. Many of them use the kids as an excuse to stay in contact with their WAS. Do not do that. Essential contact ONLY!
So, if she sends me a text in the middle of the day about something she found interesting or funny, I should just leave it be and not engage?
What about things when we're at home (we are still in the same house if I didn't mention it before)? Jokes about what's on TV, or something our daughter does? Responding to her comments/jokes, especially if they're directed at me? Just natural conversation type things.
DR lists out several types of pursuit and the LBS is always like a child asking the teacher for an exception. Texting her every day is pursuit. I would stop texting her altogether. The LRT is super easy:
Do you mean, stop initiating non-essential conversations via text altogether?
Because, of course, I have to communicate with her about our daughter at times.
I have been letting her initiate anything the last few days if it wasn't something important (which nothing has been over the weekend). And I was doing less last week.
She has a couple of times in the last week offered to do something for me, without my asking, or implying that it was something I thought about.
Texting about your daughter doesn't count. Otherwise, do not call or text her.
If she calls, let it go to VM. If it is important she will leave a VM or followup with a text.
If the text is informational. "Daughter has dr. apptment at 4pm on Monday." there is no need to response. If she asks a direct question, answer not right away, but in your own time, and in as few words as possible. Yes or no questions get yes or no answers.
We see a lot of LBSs here with kids. Many of them use the kids as an excuse to stay in contact with their WAS. Do not do that. Essential contact ONLY!
So, if she sends me a text in the middle of the day about something she found interesting or funny, I should just leave it be and not engage?
What about things when we're at home (we are still in the same house if I didn't mention it before)? Jokes about what's on TV, or something our daughter does? Responding to her comments/jokes, especially if they're directed at me? Just natural conversation type things.
If the text is funny, laugh and move on.
If she says something funny at home, laugh at it. But why are you watching TV with her? Get out and GAL.Be busy busy busy. In your interactions with her be upbeat, happy, fulfilled. Do not let her words or actions affect you emotionally. That is what detachment is.
Have you read DR?
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
If she says something funny at home, laugh at it. But why are you watching TV with her? Get out and GAL.Be busy busy busy. In your interactions with her be upbeat, happy, fulfilled. Do not let her words or actions affect you emotionally. That is what detachment is.
Have you read DR?
Because we are spending time with our daughter and the TV happens to be on. I just threw the TV out there as an example. I can't recall the last time we actually watched something together that wasn't some kid show, outside of maybe a few minutes of the news. There really isn't a lot of interaction between us, even at home. I get out and get more busy after they go to bed (usually - rarer occasions I'll meet a friend earlier, and church is in the mornings).
Your goal should be to spend as little time around and near your W as possible. Come up with a child care plan. You will care for the kids on Tuesdays, Thursdays, and Saturdays. And every other Sunday. She is responsible the rest. (She needs to get used to this as this is what D will look like.) Then on her days you are out being busy.
On the days that are yours, if she is there interact with her as little as possible.
Be busy. Busy busy busy.
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
