WW Patience, Limbo amd Fear

[Core]

Nothing's changed because nothing's changed. You haven't changed enough for her to notice, and neither has she. To be honest if you put the tray some where I felt was precarious and the 4yo could've knocked it down and made it worse I probably would've made a face too. Because that is something I'm super bad at being as A type as I am. It drives me crazy when people don't do things the way I'd do them. I'm working at it. Trying to let go of the control. But control is a coping mechanism for me, so it's harder than just being less of a jerkface it's letting go of how I survived my childhood. My biggest concern here is how you reacted. First of all that was a super passive aggressive statement. Next and probably most importantly, did you really need to say anything at all to her nonverbal cue? Here let me answer that for you. No, no you didn't. You made a choice to make an already tense moment worse. You could've just as easily been annoyed in the moment and then let it go. Like every long term couple on the planet. You escalated the situation because you wanted to.

I see what you're saying and thats where I'm stuck. If i don't confront the blatant act of disrespect then I would just be a doormat. If I don't want the action to continue then it needs to be confronted. I was home for 10 min during lunch break, helped out my kids, helped with a mess and made sure that the kids were ok before finishing cleaning. The kids couldnt get to the tray. I see no reason to get that angry over it. It truly concerns me. Yes shes is her own person and can be mad at things but where is the anger coming from and why would I keep my family around it?

No LBS here is going back to "that kind of marriage." None of us. All the vets, all the people piecing right now are not time traveling. They are starting over and building something better, a stronger foundation, better skills, deeper connections. If you want this, you aren't wanting what you used to have. You're wanting something better than before. Something where neither of you feels trapped. Something to run toward, not away from.

God I hope if we decide to R it is different. I am still blamed for everything. I haven't seen any self reflection on her end. Mentally she has to want a break from all her internal anger. How long can one avoid a situation?

If you're happier when she's gone so be it. You wanna call it so be it. But the fact you are actually buying into anything she throws at you in anger or despair is not only concerning, it means you're not actually done. If you were really done you wouldn't take a thing she has to say to heart.

True. I want to get out before I go numb. Its been a long time since I've had love or any kind of connection from her. I've seen others that regret postponing it. I wonder if that'll be me.

Core, buddy, come on now. You just told me something you did that was crazy passive aggressive. No body's Jesus here. Let's not forget that. You try to show zero disrespect. You try to lead the family by example. You aren't without fault. And if you were fully aware of every single one of your flaws you wouldn't be here, or floundering. We're all works in progress. Own that. And own the effort, trying is a big deal. There's no shame in being a person trying to be the best version of themselves.

Im glad you called me out on this, I didnt realize it was passive aggressive. Slipped in the heat of the moment.

She told me the other day that Im turning my IC in a weapon to use against her and that im not listening to her. This happened after I set a boundary around controlling how i interact with the kids (I'm allowed to feed them what i want on my time). She asked me to apologize for bringing the issue up. Literally asking me to apologize for setting a boundary she doesnt like that hurt her feelings and its all targeting her. The victimized passive aggressive reaction deeply concerns me. I feel very manipulated and controlled. Somedays I truly think I'm the victim of abuse. My counselor believes I am which reinforces me thinking I need to file to save myself. Other days it doesnt seem that bad. How did other know when to finally pull the plug? How can I ever be ok putting my happiness over the kids having a family which looks functional?