what should a stander do, exactly?

[DnJ]

Good Morning G

when dealing with my own depression, is it normal to think I am doing good, and have some good days where I feel like I am moving in the right direction and then BAM!!! I could not talk myself out of a wet paper bag?

Oh yes. That is perfectly normal.

Depression is one of the five stages of grief.

Denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance. They are not linear, and one does bounce around between them.

I found depression to be the worst stage. It was dark, crushing, and hard to get through.

It’s our emotions G. You feel good for a bit and then BAM, something from outside your consciousness comes up and you sink again. Those subconscious emotions and feelings are being sorted out. It’s the process to finding acceptance with your emotions. And it takes time.

Saturday I got home from work and just felt down. I ended up staying in bed until Monday morning. I was just a mess, and could not think of anything positive, and I don't know why...

It is amazing just how much emotions influence, even rule, our lives.

We are both rational and irrational beings. Rational is within our direct control. Irrational we can only influence.

Grief is emotional turmoil and finding our way through it. So it reasons that we are at times beyond our own control or influence. Emotions can, and do, highjack us. Mental assertiveness does help. GAL does help. Focusing on yourself does help.

Detachment is needed. It is the biggest help. We detach from our spouse. We also detach, somewhat, from our own emotions - that’s the indifference part of this.

Through indifference we regain and exercise influence over ourselves. Slowly, step by step, walking our journey and out of the dark ensnaring fog.

I total understand and empathize with your inability to think of anything positive, and not know why. It is the very hallmark of depression. Despondency, low spirits, loss of hope, etc. This is normal. This is temporary, even though it doesn't feel that way.

on the subject of detaching, I have read where they say to live as if they were never coming back. can someone expand on that for me. as to what lengths I should go...

I admit I was not a fan of this while depressed. In fact, I hated that statement.

It was the “never coming back” part. I focused upon the “never”, which just fed my depression.

What I missed, and I don’t mean didn’t read, I mean I didn’t understand or actually see - “as if”.

Live as if they were never coming back.

“As if” is make-believe. It allows one to find hope. It allows one to get unstuck and move forward.

Those two little words are hard to hear when one’s emotions are screaming and keeping your stuck in bed. Man, those were tough days.

So what lengths to go to?

You live your life as if she is never coming back.

You get up, and make your bed. You go to work.

You love yourself and your family.

You have fun. You have quality time with friends (mostly male at first, temptation is a real thing).

You go on vacations.

You watch movies.

You do projects you want to do. Things you have been putting off.

You try new things and projects. Something you always wanted to do, but could not find the time.

You heal yourself.

You choose better not bitter.

You become the best G you can be.

You focus on yourself and your life.

You let go.

You hope.

You stand.

The unwanted path you find yourself upon is difficult. It is also an incredible opportunity; one very few people ever experience. There are so many blessing upon this path that most LBS eventually consider it to be, and see it as, the gift it truly is.

Like all of us, journeys are travelled one step at a time, no matter where along the our path we are.

Keep moving forward. Keep detaching.

You are doing good.

DnJ