"hoping that he would offer to join me" "and I made him a plate"
STOP reading if you do not want 2x4s.
HOLY CRAP
This has got to stop. First, hoping he'd join you?!? WHY? KC, do you really have self-esteem low enough that you would want breadcrumbs from the table of a guy that is sleeping with another woman? In fact, if he had offered you should have said "No thanks. I got it." You are so desperate for any attention he is willing to give you, and he doesn't even deserve YOUR attention.
And fixing him a plate?!? I have been married for almost 21 years, and I can count on one hand the number of times my W has fixed me a plate. And most of those times was when I was sick and/or injured!! KC you have to stop trying to nice him back. Do you know what it does to a lying cheater when you do things like fix them a plate. It says to them "Oh, she is okay with the fact that I am sleeping with another woman! WOOHOO! Score!"
If your puppy poops in the middle of the living room, do you give him a treat? Of course not! That reinforces the behavior.
In fact, you shouldn't even have asked him if he was hungry. The food you prepare is too good for a lying cheater. "Go take care of your own needs. This is for me and S18, not lying cheaters."
I really hope you follow up with the attorney, because at this rate you are going to end up D'd.
(Note, I do not say these things to hurt you, but to try to wake you up! WSs require tough love. You have been here before. You have been at this again for a few weeks. You should be further along the DBing curve than this.)
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
He came home today and I was still sleeping... he let the dogs out and fed them for me. He started rattling in a cabinet where there are some pet supplies and I heard him say "stupid b**ch, who does this like this" while lying in bed.
I ask him what he is needing and he said cat food. I said I moved to the rest of the pet food storage in garage. He feeds cats too.
I later get up and I said thank you for letting me sleep. He then barks back that he would have been quieter if he knew where the cat food was.
I go take a shower. Later S18 is up and H is asking about his weekend with the competition (this is his step son). He was asking questions about the robot stuff and said he saw the video... NOW the only way he could see the video is if he snooped on my FB page because S18 would have never sent it. I had listed that video as to view for public so he could see it if he chose to - and clearly he chose to go looking on my facebook status.
I go to work and get a bevy of texts complaining how I changed username and password to his 401k accounts. Now the name change was a requirement years ago but the password change was 1 month ago --- written down in our pasword book AND he even texted me was on the account and I stated yes and that I had changed the password and it is now X... he is refusing to believe me EVEN AS I SHOW HIM THE TEXTS. He asks me what the F'k am I trying to do to him????
He is angry at me and I'm not even home.
I get home for lunch and he is getting ready for bed. He isn't speaking to me and I am asking why he is so angry with me. That I was never hiding anything. He says it doesn't seem that way to him. I stated he felt he deserved his toys so I made sure he had his toys. He felt that he needed to retire at 56 so I was making sure that happened for him. He keeps accusing me of being the one not being transparent.
He stated he wanted it left alone. And, I'm still talking... He states -THIS IS WHY WE ARE TOXIC (what???? he is the one who wanted to be amicable and work this out ourselves)
I'm so frustrated and he has changed all the passwords to even our joint account at "his" bank.
I'm sooooo p*sssed off.
How can he continue to be so angry at me????
Last edited by job; 03/09/2005:45 PM. Reason: edited language
The idiot even had the nerve to come out the bathroom yesterday and ask if I was going to the store... I stated I already went and asked what it was he needed.... razor blades... he wanted ME to go to the store for razor blades.
Seriously??? ask OW for that...
However I had more in the house. He knows I have a box with extra toothpaste/deodorant/shave stuff and not sure why he forgot to check there.
I got him new razor blades...
SO HOW CAN HE BE NICE LIKE THAT AND THEN TURN AROUND AND BE SUCH AN A**HOLE TODAY ACCUSSING ME OF F'ING HIM OVER????
He better not talk to me the rest of the day.................
If does or he texts later because he starts to feel guilty over his behaivor today (which I would expect to NEVER happen)
I'm going to shout at him TO LEAVE ME ALONE.
And, after all that I don't want to be divorced... He carries his ring on his keychain. He may not be wearing it but its with him everywhere... not that it means crap to him.
Is it who you are or are you hoping by being nice to him he'll be nice to you? You seem hung up on when he is nice and when he is mean. Never mind he is a lying cheater no matter how he is treating you.
It sounds like you have a case of Nice Girl Syndrome. Look it up, it is a real thing. And could be explored thoroughly and get you over it in IC.
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
Nice Girl Syndrome--I was just Googling the term for the female version.
Short form: If I pick up someone's coffee just because, I'm a nice person. If I pick up someone's coffee with unstated expectations--they'll buy me one next time OR they'll be more talkative/friendly/nice--that's nice guy/girl syndrome. There's nothing nice about covert contracts.
I wonder if your generosity could be directed towards more deserving people--firemen, co-workers, people down on their luck, CWarrior, random people you pass on the street who aren't cheating on you. Maybe the next time you feel like waking him up you could instead do a random act of kindness!
A kind heart is wonderful. I hope you stay true to that!
Originally Posted by KitCat
I'm going to shout at him TO LEAVE ME ALONE.
You've gotten at least a few suggestions to stop answering calls and slow down on answering texts.
Sorry you're morning is off to a hard start. ((Hugs))
He is just going to be angry at me NO MATTER WHAT.
I can do nothing right or better.... he will find ways to make things my fault.
He is completely done with me. He is not wanting to work with me over the financials. He is now starting to block my access to more stuff including our joint account.
He can move out... he has already moved on. His only justification in leaving is to convince himself he hates me. There is no hope in saving this M.
That he's so angry at you indicates attachment. Another indicator is how often he reached out to you during his time away. He could've had a complete 4-day KitCat vacation. He's probably as confused by his mood swings are you are--I wonder what feelings seeing you in those sexy PJs pulled up! It's not a good situation, but where there's attachment, there's more hope than where there isn't.
That he's so angry at you indicates attachment. Another indicator is how often he reached out to you during his time away. He could've had a complete 4-day KitCat vacation. He's probably as confused by his mood swings are you are--I wonder what feelings seeing you in those sexy PJs pulled up! It's not a good situation, but where there's attachment, there's more hope than where there isn't.
Yep. Hatred is pretty close to love. Most experts agree that apathy is more dangerous than hatred or anger.
The problem is that your hopes are up and down based on his actions and words. That's attachment.
I am going to continue to tell you that you need to get into IC.
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
That he's so angry at you indicates attachment. Another indicator is how often he reached out to you during his time away. He could've had a complete 4-day KitCat vacation. He's probably as confused by his mood swings are you are--I wonder what feelings seeing you in those sexy PJs pulled up! It's not a good situation, but where there's attachment, there's more hope than where there isn't.
I never know when he is going to show up or to leave. I totally expected him later because I had plans to be out of the house during that time.
When he walked in and walked into the kitchen... he immediately said hi in the nicest tone he has had since BD. I had my back to him. It was a total surprise and just WAY different than how he has been. I kept my interaction brief and short and went off to do my own thing. He actually came looking for me and seemed surprised that I was leaving. But, he didn't ask me to stay or state why he came home so early.
I keep thinking of the movie The Break Up. They are each trying to one up each other rather than reaching out to each other. Was he there early for any other reason??? I will never know because when he came home he was back to being cold and distant.
I'm getting really fed up.
I spent my Saturday reading books on communication and how to handle break ups. I focused on how my texts to him last Thursday were because of MY anxiety and I wasn't thinking about him or his emotional needs or his perspective. I know that set me back... us back because he would have taken those texts as trying to control him. Instead I should have skipped the texts and remained radio silent and trusted that what ever happened while I was gone next week would happen. I shouldn't extend control.
I got my anxiety down really well on Saturday. I felt good. I felt good on Sunday morning.
Today has been a total S**t Show. I'm exhausted.
He actually said he felt that I had betrayed him.... I know I should have validated more and I struggled so much to support his feeling of betrayal... This is because his username and password changed and I he doesn't remember me telling him??? Because I've been socking money away so he can retire at 56? Because he felt he deserved toys so I loosened our belt so he could have brand new boat and motorcycle??? This is betrayal.... I'M NOT THE ONE F'ing AROUND.... I didn't have the gonads to throw that in his face.
But, let him contact me... just even once... and the only response he will get is leave me alone.
I left a bill on the table for his auto insurance, cell phone and gym membership for last month and this month... no excuses. I don't care if he put $200 in garage he isn't paying a dime of the water bill, or gas or electric or any part of the roof over his head.
I hate that he is letting all these other people get into his head and say that we are toxic. I just want to scream!!!!
Last edited by job; 03/09/2009:27 PM. Reason: edited language with anatomically correct language
