Through The Storm III

[ovrrnbw]

I've been there too. We had many false starts. I learned the hard way: "Believe nothing they say and only half of what they do".

AS or Sandi could go whole hog and give you a calculus like proof, but I find it best to just remember that statement.

You are not a bug. You cannot be crushed home girl! Seriously! You are much stronger than you feel at the moment. Find your strength. I see many positives in your posts but you are focusing on the negatives and it is easy to flip this around.

[AnotherStander]

Kristin, I know you feel awful right now and I do feel sorry for you! But you really need some 2x4's. This was very predictable. You have ignored the advice over and over again and kept pursuing her and lapping up whatever breadcrumbs she threw on the ground. Whenever she showed the least interest in recon you rolled out the red carpet and struck up the band. Your getting BD'd again was inevitable, and you were told so, but you thought you knew better. So now you know. The question is, what are you going to do moving forward? Because what you did certainly did not work, just like everyone here told you it wouldn't. Don't let this happen to you again. Detach. GAL. Go COMPLETELY dark on her. Don't be her bestie. Don't be her backup plan. You are far too good for that. When she comes back begging and pleading and making promises, shut her down. Tell her to go get IC and come back in 4 months and that you expect to see some real improvement in her before you'll even consider the first stages of possible recon.

[KristinG]

AS, thank you for giving a great example of the exact reason I sometimes feel like I don't want to share here. I get the need for 2X4s. I understand constructive criticism. I am all for growth and learning - even if it's the hard way at times. However, I feel the negativity and told-you-so attitude of your post comes across as anything but supportive. I can take some good suggestions away from what you said, but dude - harsh?

Kristin, I know you feel awful right now and I do feel sorry for you! But you really need some 2x4's. In my opinion, this was very predictable. You have ignored the advice over and over again and kept pursuing her and lapping up whatever breadcrumbs she threw on the ground. Whenever she showed the least interest in recon you rolled out the red carpet and struck up the band. Your getting BD'd again was inevitable. and you were told so, but you thought you knew better.
So now you know. The question is, what are you going to do moving forward? Because what you did certainly did not work, just like everyone here told you it wouldn't. Don't let this happen to you again. Detach. GAL. Go COMPLETELY dark on her. Don't be her bestie. Don't be her backup plan. You are far too good for that. When she comes back begging and pleading and making promises, shut her down. Tell her to go get IC and come back in 4 months and that you expect to see some real improvement in her before you'll even consider the first stages of possible recon.

Just a friendly recommendation as some here might not absorb the wise words of wisdom when approached so aggressively. I like the nuggets of truth, and I am still striving to improve in my abilities to show strength in such a time of crisis. Thank you for your response and for being a strong voice in this forum. I don't mean any offense in my suggestion to you, just a different perspective.

KG

[AnotherStander]

Kristin, you are one of the more frustrating people on these forums. It's why I rarely visit your threads. I am sorry you took offense. Hopefully you will see the light now and pursue a different path, one that works. I wish you the best and will stay out of your threads.

[may22]

hey KG,

Sending love your way. I like what overrnbw says... you get to choose how you feel, and you cannot be crushed.

My only recommendation for you at this point is to focus 100% on you and what you need, and discard anything that even smells like something you'd do in hopes of potential R. Going NC with her is not in the hopes that she'll see what she's missing... it is for you, to heal. Not for anyone else... for YOU.

What she's been doing is simply not right and no-one deserves to be jerked around in that way. She is not being the W you need her to be right now. She is bringing you heartache, not joy. Focus on you and what you need for YOU. Maybe shifting the focus somewhat will help if/when she comes back in a week or whatever... this NC is not for her to realize anything. if she does, whatever. It is for you. You need this time and space. Grab it and take it and don't let her take it away from you.

((((KG))))

[IronWill]

Hey Kristin -

Chiming in here with some words of encouragement and support.

We all want to fix our R's. That's why we are all here - otherwise we wouldn't care, and we definitely would not be posting here in hopes of finding some glimmer of hope that we are doing the right thing.

2x4's are hard to hear sometimes. I have had quite a few in my year here. But as you've said, take the pieces of advice that work for your sit and use them. As may said - For you, and you only. Not in hopes of fixing your R.

A lot of us that have been in these situations for an extended period of time are exhausted, and tired, and on our last nerves. And life keeps throwing these thousand pound wrecking balls at us from every direction. It is difficult to know what to do in these times, especially when we are surrounded by tragedies and trying to figure out which fire to put out first.

Detachment from W is for you. It is to reduce the chaos in your life. It is to get you back on steady ground.

I know you feel it. I feel it in my own mind - for today for example, the chaos and obsessive thinking is really awful for whatever reason. However bad we have it, though, I think the WAS feels that times a hundred, so that's why it is so important to focus on yourself and yourself only right now.

Unfortunately you cannot help her. Fortunately, you can, however, do the best thing for her by letting her go figure out whatever it is she needs to figure out. And the matter of AP is irrelevant, it is merely a symptom of what she is going through. You cannot control that.

I know this is tough. Relationships are tough. Remember to be kind to yourself. For you. Remember to forgive yourself. For you.

Take this time for yourself. Cadets welcome post is very true. You have the gift of time now - to figure out what it is you want to do.

Stay strong Kristin - and take care

[KristinG]

AS,

No need to stay out of my threads unless you choose to do so. I have been through **** in the last week with the devastation to our community and I have already been on edge and extremely emotional. I didn't mean to upset you with my response, just wanted to offer some advice. I realize that I have not strictly followed all of the DB principles, but I have learned a ton being here and continue to strengthen my resolve. I'm human, I'm weak, but I'm always moving forward and believe it or not, I thought I was following my gut and making the best decisions for myself. You're quite right in the fact that it is apparent they were incorrect choices. Live and learn. I may very well fail again, but you know what? I'm still going to be ok, and I will still pick myself up and learn some more. This forum has offered me a place to vent, a place to cry, and a place to celebrate. I'm grateful for it.

Ovr,

Thanks for the kind words and bump in ego my friend! I needed to get out the negative cycle loop and I've been super productive at work today so that helps. I am feeling better this afternoon but it's a lot of ups & downs emotionally. I know within a week it will calm even more.

May,

Hugs to you. You're absolutely right in going NC for me. I am so **** exhausted trying to be strong and trying to be understanding that I feel like I've been sacrificing my own soul to the dementors in Harry Potter. Now is the time to sit with this, heal, breathe, and thrive on my own! I purchased a really top quality piece of gym equipment a few weeks ago that I'm going to put together tonight. I have so much to be thankful for in my life and I need to count those blessings daily.

IW,

Thank you for a thoughtful list. You're absolutely correct in that the AP is just a symptom of whatever it is internally she is struggling through. I'm working on giving up the control - I feel like I had improved and reverted when we were living together and trying to reconcile. I may have some lingering issues. It's something I'm working on. It's not blatant control (ie: telling someone what they can and cannot do) but the subconscious control that I struggle with. (ie: walking on eggshells, trying to give comfort or advice when I should just listen) Forgiving myself is tough stuff. I hadn't thought of it that way, but I guess I do feel guilty or like a failure with the thought of my marriage failing/divorce.

Thanks to you all - it really helped to get me through the day.

KG

[Yail]

KG, I'm sorry. I really am.


A few random responses that I wish to share. I'm sorry it's so long.

One quicknitem - is it necessary that you volunteer with WW? Can you find other options? Please do. Stretch yourself with new people. Ideally all strangers. It's amazing how helpful it can be to be around strangers and not friends who give you the "are you okay?" looks every minute of the day, reminding you of your sitch. I liked strangers early in my own pain

Remember that each one of us gives advice with a perspective on what we as individuals went through. Some are going through the tough part now, alongside you. Some are a few months or years "ahead" (not a great descriptor, but I think you know what I mean). Looking back at our own BDs and the fall-out (whatever that might be - tough D, combative S, gentle D, long term S, recon, etc etc etc) our own opinions of our situations and how we view others' changes. I can say I 100% view my XW differently now than I did a year ago. Not better or worse - it's just different. Time and distance does settle our souls and we start to consider the world in new ways. So just remember everyone who posts to you (or talks in real life!) is bringing their own past into the scenario, along with where they are on the journey.

It's just so hard when I thought that we were finally working on recon.

You were careful to say to us that you did not believe you were piecing. But we saw your hope, and you state it now that you thought you were there. I point this out only for one reason - I think you were censoring yourself and how you present here on the boards. Playing it safe with what you wrote. And that's totally ok - you owe us NOTHING. But I hope that no matter what is next for you you are always being open and honest with yourself in when you feel hope or expectations or considering what you want or your needs. I just hope that part of you is not censored to play a role. Do you journal for yourself only?

I know her heart still was very wounded and she was grieving the loss of AP. Those things take time. A few weeks of NC just doesn't make it go away and, more importantly, doesn't make those "in love" feelings return to the marriage.

I don't think you're necessarily wrong in this. It's more that this isn't your call to make. You can speculate until the cows come home but you will never know or experience exactly what WW is experiencing. Early in my sitch I had a similar script for my WAW in my head. "Oh, she's feeling _____ and so clearly acting _____ because ____ happened and now she's too _____ emotionally....". This isn't our story to write. Though partnered and we know our WASs more than anyone we still are not them. And if we stop to think about it, it's a bit invalidating. To claim we understand their emotions and their story and their experience BETTER than they do? I'd disagree with that thought process. I know I'd be pretty P.O.'d if if someone tried to explain away my own emotions. In fact, it has happened. Yep, I was P.O.'d. You can't dictate their process.

In the end: It doesn't matter. Really. I promise. It doesn't matter why she is back with AP or not back with AP or acting the way she is. It feels like it now, because a part of you thinks if you can identify the REASON and rationalize it away it will be a problem you can solve. I tore myself to shreds in this mentality of trying to find the one singular reason and how I might fix it logically. Only when I found myself letting go of my desire to figure it out did I stop actively spinning.

Going NC with her is not in the hopes that she'll see what she's missing... it is for you, to heal. Not for anyone else... for YOU.

Yes, yes, and YES. I get the sense you hoped NC would sway her, though you wanted it for you too. I promise you it's only for you. I promise it gets better once you go with NC for a significant amount of time. That is the only time my healing actually began. So, yes, I'm speaking from my perspective on this - but NC is the reason I'm so fulfilled and happy in my life now. Because I loved my XW as much as you love your WW. But we can't control them. So if this is the direction of the outcome - follow along.

You say that WW needs to wean AP out of her system. What if that's what you need too? You only can start to step back and follow your own advice. I think it's fear that stops you from doing it. You don't want to stop loving her, you don't want to lose a chance of recon. From my experience, you will not stop loving her just because you stop being with her or talking with her. You can carry along your history with you into your future. I still love my XW. I carry our history of love with me. But I don't want to talk to her. I know that at this point in time the NC is for me, and I don't really think about what she might want. And Recon - well that's not up to us, is it? If it was we would have had it.

[Traveler]

I'm fairly certain she is now pursuing a full blown relationship with AP. Send me some love guys - it feels like a BD all over again (why does this never get easier?!).

Oh no! The odds may not have been in your favor, but after so much time, I hoped too.

For me, the one good thing about giving my ex multiple chances is it helps curb the urge to try again. When I told my therapist some time ago, "What if, once more.." She's like--"You already did that! 7 months and 3 tries for a 2 1/2 year relationship." May your mistakes lead you to your biggest success.

[Traveler]

I deserve to be with someone better. Someone who values commitment and understands what it is to love. Not the initial "oh I'm so in love with you" feelings, but to really love. To place that person's needs above your own, to sacrifice your own desires if it is not beneficial to your relationship.

How romantic! I hope you hold onto your vision when you're ready to find love again. Of course with a partner who doesn't require you to sacrifice the core of what makes Kristin remarkable.