I do have to ask, you say you love her and want to save things, but she is actively in an affair. One she refuses to stop. At this point what are you trying to save?
I guess I'm trying to save us. I keep reading about the affair fog and if she is in it, which a lot of things sound like she is, her behavior is typical. Meaning, wanting to keep me as plan B until she's out of the fog. But I could be just telling myself that.
Everything I read and learn in therapy is time is on my side. I guess I'm taking it hoping she will come back. So filing for divorce isn't following that plan. Why file now if I can later? To scare her into reality?
No, you file now so you can move forward. I am staunchly anti-D, unless a spouse is in an active affair. When that is the case, and they are unabashed about it "Yes, I am still in contact with OP and no I won't stop." then what alternatives does the LBS have?
So absolutely, do not file until you are ready to file. I guess if you aren't ready, my only question would be: if your W leaving and refusing to stop the affair doesn't make you ready, what would?
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
