My background:
Married 4.5 years (together 9 years) and have a 3 year old. W-37 and H-38. 1.5 years ago she starts to say "ILYBNILWY". We fight, she returns and apologize. This happens more and more so we each go to IC and couples (started 6-7 months ago). My W is the most defensive person I know. She runs from every little problem b/c she doesn't want to face it. She had a terrible childhood and was essentially abandoned by her mom until her stepmom took her in at 12 years old,

Current Situation: After many nights of my W going out until 1-2am, taking 4 hours to run errands, and going to her 45 min IC but being gone for 2-3 hours, I broke into her social media and found her talking to OM about how good the night was before. She first said the affair lasted 3 months, then I asked it again and she said it was 6. But then I found videos she made for him that went back 13-14 months...all the way back to the ILYBNILWY statement. She left the house on D-Day. We talk daily and we have gone back to couples therapy. She says she wants to take time for herself, she doesn't want to be with me, but she's not sure if she wants a divorce. She says she is talking to the other guy and not seeing him. But I know she has seen him a couple times. She can't give him up. In the 2nd couples therapy I said I don't accept that she's seeing him and I will move forward without her if she continues. The therapist pressed her on how unhealthy that is to continue, regardless of what she decides with he. The 3rd session she said she feels pressured to make a decision and she still needs time. She still said she wasn't seeing him but I found out she did. So she's still lying. She barely apologizes and gets mad when I talk about moving on. I said I would open new doors of opportunity for myself while closing the one on her. She immediately jumped to me seeing other women and shut down during therapy as a result.

I want her back, but I don't want to be plan B. So Im trying to stop contact but we FaceTime with our daughter every night, I'm not used to not seeing her (she's splitting time at home and at my in-laws where my W is staying). It's hard to not chase when I talk to her everyday. I've been trying to talk to my daughter with little to no conversation with my W. But I'm also concerned because since she shuts down and runs away from problems, I'm afraid she will take the NC as a sign to run to the OM. I have always been a fixer, wanting to fix things, and my W had said to stop trying to tell her how to feel (I need to get better at this...I've tried talking to her about the affair fog). Me telling her about is a failure and pushes her away. I've spoken to a lawyer briefly and know the basics of our situation but even she said it's early to file at this point. Therapy was to a) figure out if we want a divorce and b) mediate there to save money. There had been no mediating attempts by her at all. I asked numerous times for her to pickup her stuff and she didn't. So I bagged all her clothes and again for weeks didn't get them but now she has. She still has lots and lots of stuff at the house but has made no plans to get them. She is making no effort to really end this so it makes me think she is taking time to think...while still seeing this OM.

Advice: so many lies, so much hurt. but I still love her and we have a 3 year old. I don't know if it will work but I want to try. It seems like she don't close the door on us and what's to test drive the OM. What do I do? Move on? Fight? Again, it's been 6 weeks and the last couples therapy I said I was done and canceled the next appointment. The therapist urged me not to and booked an appointment for two weeks out so I could think about it. The last session was the most productive but she won't stop with the OM. I can't wait forever even though I want to.

Is this affair fog or is she really done? What do info to move forward knowing I talk to her almost daily for our 3 year old? Should I continue going to couples therapy (I will continue IC)? Please any advice or help!