I sit down and try to write updates and realize that my thoughts are not nearly as organized as you all. And my words not nearly as eloquent.
So I will embrace my random thought bubbles.
Observation. Darned if I do, darned if I don't. As you know H is "sorry" for his affair but not sure he wants to even try to repair the marriage. Says he is a jumbled mess inside. Says he needs time to figure things out. Ok. Since finding you wise people, there has been no begging, no pleading, no reasoning etc. from me. (I have fallen off the wagon a few times and cried in front of him or mouthed off with some anger and rage.)
As the initial shock of discovering the affair has receded, I've been feeling more steady each day. And thanks to you all, more able to step back and recognize that I am not the crazy person in this situation. I have stopped talking and started listening. Much of what comes out of his mouth is so bizarre and illogical it takes my breath away. A lot of it is contradictory. All of it is infuriating. Example: In the past week or so, he asks most every day to see me, to talk. Texts, calls, emails. Then when he sees me he actually says "are there things you want to talk about? things you want to say?" and I remind him that he asked to talk to me not the other way around. He calls every day to "check in." I generally do not answer the phone. On the rare occasion I do, I am told how much he resents having to call and check in. (I have not asked him to call.) When I don't answer, he calls more frequently. Sometimes multiple times in a day. And then berates me for making him worry that something horrible has happened. He tells me it is so selfish and cruel to make him worry like that. He talks to and texts with our children. He knows we are all fine. Last night he actually said to me "You've never gone THREE days without talking to me. That is just not us. It is not how we operate." WTF? I am thinking to myself (but not saying aloud) "You are the one saying you aren't sure you want to be in a life with me. What is it that you imagine that life without me looks like? Do we talk every day? Do we check in and have a friendly back and forth about the events of the day? Because I don't think that is what being divorced would look like. So go figure out what it is you want."
The thing is I'm not "ignoring" him to make some point. I am working on detaching and for me part of that means not engaging. Because I am not (yet) able to reliably interact with him without getting emotional. So for me, not interacting is what I feel able to do.
Next random thought bubble: Can this get filed away in some place with all the crazy things cheaters say? He told me last night that he feels like he has no control over his life. I asked if he could say more about that and he said he didn't know how to explain it. So I asked if he could give me an example. He said that at his apartment he never eats dinner. He doesn't cook himself any dinner. That he actually sits there and worries about how it might upset me if he cooks himself something nice for dinner. At first I thought that this must be some metaphor for something else. But it was not a metaphor. Since getting his apartment, any night he isn't home having dinner with us, he just does not eat. And he resents that and feels like it is somehow (????) my fault and just another example of how every choice he makes has to go through a filter of how I might react or feel about it. I tell him "You should eat. I want you to eat dinner. Why on earth would I be upset if you make yourself food?" He says it isn't rational but that he just can't make any choice without worrying about whether or not it will upset me. And so rather than take the chance that I might get upset, he just doesn't eat. << Are you all hitting your head against a wall?>> So I sit for a minute and then I say something that is probably not validating or proper DB but I did say it in a completely calm and unemotional way. I said this "Am I hearing you right? You don't cook yourself dinner because you think I might be angry or hurt that you made food for yourself even though there is literally NO reason to think I would want you to go without dinner?" He replies "Yes, that is what I am saying." And then I said "There is no reason in the world for you think I want you to miss a meal. Nothing in our whole life together would suggest that. Like that is crazy town, you get that right? And there is every reason in the world to think I might not want you to have sex with someone else, that it might upset and hurt me. And yet you did THAT for a long time and lied about it. Do you see how those things don't really line up?" And he replied "Well **THAT** is totally different." I walked away from the conversation at that point.
And random thought bubble three I've had a really good week (all things considered)... some community projects I've been working on for a long time are finally coming to fruition and it was a busy and rewarding week putting the final pieces in place. I experienced some joy. I felt like ME. When I saw H last night he asked questions about the projects and how things went this week and I did not want to sit and dish about all the details. In our normal life he is the first person I want to tell everything. I would come home overflowing with excitement and sharing the details of something I am passionate about with him is wonderful. But in this murky situation, I had no desire to share details about something important to my heart with someone who has disregarded my heart. I actually had a moment in the conversation where I was able to stand outside of it and observe and noted that it was a strange, new feeling to NOT want to share.
