I started this yesterday, and have come back to it many times. I’ve made changes as I pondered the events to help me understand. I didn’t cover it all, but the process of writing, reading, and editing has helped me process the events.
H came to the house yesterday for 2 ½ hours.
Much was said.
Some things were revealed.
Nothing really has changed. For now.
Of course I prayed and prayed for guidance prior to his arrival.
I had informed H that D20 would be gone so it might be a good time to come over and go through some of his things, and that we needed to discuss the agreement. (D20 hasn’t spoken to or seen H since August).
Not sure how the agreement will ultimately look, as H is baulking at how to handle one or two items. We agreed to both look into a few items, and discuss it again. I will be sending most of the items to be included into the agreement to my attorney, however, so I can get things moving.
When H arrived, he noticed a few things. I took out a decorative tree that he planted many years ago because it wasn’t doing well. I planted something else, as well a several other items. He said a little wistfully “So, this is what replaced my tree”. He also noticed that a large, specific Christmas decoration was gone that was stored in the garage, and asked where it went. He loved to decorate the outside of the house, and was very proud of all his decorations. I told him I sold it. He seemed sad about it.
The phrase “they notice everything” came to mind. People on this board know these MCLrs well!
H and I sat at the table facing each other for 2 long conversations. We talked freely, sincerely, and what I believe was truthfully.
H still has a desire to flee. He talked about how he would like to have both of us retire, sell everything, move elsewhere, and go on trips about every other month. I told him that wouldn’t last, the excitement would wear off. That it won’t happen. I shared that I think about things like that, that I spent so long being a mom, I wanted to do all sorts of adventurous things now. But so very much has to happen for that to ever have a chance of being possible, and trips won’t fix anything. I told him our demons would follow if we don’t deal with them. That in a year or two, we would repeat the scenario we are in. I told him I refused to do that.
He said that he wants to reconcile. I told him that was the first time he said those words since he moved out. He said that he told me that when we met about a month ago. I reminded him that he asked to live in the spare bedroom, and that was nothing like saying he wanted to reconcile. He stated it again: “I want for us to be able to reconcile”.
I also said that he has said many things, but so far no actions supported his words. He said that he was still in counseling, and had another appointment this week. I told him I was glad, and hoped that it would be helpful to him.
I told him that picking up and starting fresh somewhere else was not the answer. That so many things had to happened first. We talked about that if we ever did reconcile, that we would have to have a brand new relationship. And that even with hard, hard work, it’s certainly no guarantee and we could still end up divorced. He agreed.
He said he likes to see me. I reminded him that he said that a month ago, and that he said wanted to see me more, but that no actions supported that. He said it was difficult to see me, because he felt such shame. He teared up a bit.
I discussed what he said about a month ago – that he wanted to extricate himself from his situation. He expressed how daunting it was, and had hopes someone would step up and help him. I asked who? He didn’t really know, but he said that his (our) old friends “abandoned” him. He said he asked for my help last month, but I didn’t. I again reminded him that moving in would not help, and was not the answer. That I am not the one to give him the answer. I told him that he didn’t reach out to our friend either, and that if they are friends, they would probably help him even today if he asked. I told him that it was o.k. to ask for help if he needed or wanted it, and that maybe it was time to humble himself to do just that. (He always wants people to do the heavy work to. Maybe he is starting to realize relationships are a two way street.)
He asked me if I still loved him. This surprised me. I balked at answering. He could see it. I ended up saying I do.
But, to be truthful, it’s muddled, and I don’t know if I do any more.
I do know that love is not enough for reconciliation. I was very clear H that he has a lot of healing to do. That there was healing that I still needed to do. That we would have a lot of work and healing together, and he with the kids, and that we would need to “court” and see if we could build something new. He is clear that regular therapy and moving on his own are absolutes. I made it clear I would never be an OW. He said that this (the process) will take time. I said that I understood, but I plan to just continue on as I am for now, living my life.
I told him I wanted to share with him why I haven’t filed for D yet. That I wasn’t going to get too preachy, but I wanted to share with him that I believe God has placed in my heart to wait, and not file for D. That it is a constant theme and prompting I can’t seem to shake. That I didn’t know what it meant, but for now, I will heed it, but that I didn’t know what the future will hold for him, me, or us, but that I was o.k. with that. I will continue to live my life.
My life could take a turn in the meantime that could change everything, or nothing. I realize that. But it’s a good life right now, so I’m o.k. with living it this way. At least for now.
He did pack up a lot of boxes to go through. I was actually surprised he did that.
When he left, we hugged, then kissed very briefly, and chastely, on the lips. I held his face, looked him in the eye, and said “humble yourself. It’s o.k. to ask for help”. I don’t know why I felt compelled to say this. It wasn’t planned, or contrived. It just came out. He received that words. Then left.
I felt o.k. when he left. Not out of sorts. Not drawn in. Almost detached.
I believe all that was said, at least by me, evolved on its own. I had no agenda, and H didn’t either as far as I could tell. He said he was very nervous starting a day or two ago, knowing he would see me in our home.
A couple of hours after he left, he messaged me saying “Difficult day for me. But I was happy to see you”
For now, I will enjoy having both my kiddos in the house. S22 arrived home for Spring Break. I get him for a whole week. D20 had a very successful day selling her artwork for the first time at a show and came home tired, but very happy and “alive”. It was great to see.
There are some difficult days ahead. S22 graduates soon, and my family will be there from out of State. Parents, brother, sister, and spouses. H doesn’t think he can face them. He may choose to watch his son graduate from afar, alone. D20 knows she will probably see him then, and is figuring out how/whether to see him at least once prior to this. I’m encouraging her to do so, if even with her therapist present. H has difficult choices to make. He knows it. He fears it. But I will leave him to his journey.
Life continues to be an adventure, with roads to travel, roadblocks to navigate, mountains to climb and surprises to discover each day.
But, I am embracing it all. I am choosing to find joy in the journey that God has set before me.
