Living in the Light - Part II

[DnJ]

Good Morning DV

What an interesting week for you.

I love him. I do. He has a lot of great qualities and he is honest and I know would not cheat on me. Like me, he says it is just not something he has ever done or could do.

Yes, Jack has many great qualities. It even sounds like he upped his communication style - which was a problem before.

But the age difference is still a major factor and I’m not sure I can get past it.

This has haunted you since you met him, and it still persists. Way back at the beginning of your relationship with Jack I suggested letting the age thing go. And the mind reading of what Jack is wanting or is unknowingly throwing away. But I’ll get to that later.

DV, you frame the problem correctly - I’m not sure I can get passed it.

You have an irrational/subconscious concern with the age difference. It includes how you see it - and how you imagine Jack sees it, your kids, your family, your XMIL, and others see it. The roots of your concern are rooted in your own head.

Let’s unravel this and explore a bit.

The way to overcome an irrational problem or fear is to rationalize it.

You say you really love Jack, but the age disparity is affecting you (in a kind of unknown way). You are 52 and Jack is 39. If Jack was 50, then what? Would that change things? Pretty sure it would be - Yeah! So, the relationship is really good, you just are hung up on age. So let’s defuse and uncouple that irrational connection of age and relationship disaster.

There is a rule of age for dating. A creepiness factor for how young of a person can you date. It is not scientific. However, it is wildly accepted. It does have much evidence of increased relationship problems when the limit is breached. And societally, through surveys, it does fit with what people generally as a whole see as appropriate. It is the rule of seven.

Regardless of gender do not date anyone less than half your age plus seven.

In your case your lower limit is (52/2)+7 = 33.

I encourage you to search this. There are many articles, charts, graphs, etc. Lots of rational material and accepted viewpoints. Rationally accept the material, and think about it. Allow the evidence and your thoughts to alter your irrational emotions and change your beliefs.

Some interesting extrapolation from this rule turn out to be rather obvious which also leads to increase it’s credibility. As one gets older the age gap get bigger. And towards the other end of the spectrum one shouldn’t start dating until they are 14.

Working out the upper limit for dating is also interesting. How old a man could you date?

(X/2)+7=52

X=90.

At first that seems like wow! Remember this is just a rough socially acceptable range guideline. Jacks range is 27 to 64.

Numbers, equations, graphs - nothing rationalizes like that. So, with all this rational confirmation - focus on the chemistry of your relationship and see where things go.

It is fine now...while I still look 40...but that isn’t going to last. And he hasn’t been married or had kids or done a lot of things I have done already. He could still find someone younger than him and do all that. And while he is perfectly happy to throw that away today, what about five years from now? He will be 44 and I will be 57.

All relationships face challenges. There are many things that can go wrong. And there are many things that can go right. Leave the unknown future to reveal itself as it will.

Your mind reading about Jack’s attraction and desires is just that, mind reading. Five years from now. 20 years from now. Leave it in the future. Jack will still find you gorgeous when you are 95.

And quit focusing on what you think he is throwing away. Listen to him. Instead see what he is embracing. That’s you by the way.

And then there is my family. My kids are not a problem. They just live in the moment and they like him. I asked them if it would be okay if he stayed with us for a bit and they said they would be totally fine with it. My other family, though, are not on the same page. They know the Jack from before and think he is completely wrong for me. I get it. If I were them, I would too. Jack and I did talk about his social anxiety. He says when he is in a group of people, he feels like his brain is in a wheelchair and he can’t think of what to say...is worried about being misunderstood or judged. Having said that, he came to my pool league last night and said hi to my friends and was a lot friendlier than he has been albeit still quiet. My sister gives him a hard time whenever she sees him and tells him to stop yelling. And then there is XH’s mom. I still have not told her Jack is staying with me for a couple weeks. I know she will not be happy. I am kind of hoping she doesn’t notice right away. She did say hi to him last Thursday when he first arrived but their paths haven’t crossed since. I know she will disapprove so I am avoiding.

There is a far bit of mind reading here. Projecting your irrational beliefs upon others.

Your kids do not have a problem with Jack’s age or Jack the person. You do not have a problem with Jack either.

To be a little more blunt. XH’s Mom, family, and others - it’s not their life, it’s yours. It’s your choice. They do not get to berate Jack or you. DV, you are 52, you live in the light - you need not avoid this. You have nothing to pussyfoot around here.

Figuring out what I want. That really is the thing, isn’t it. I want to be happy. Period. End of story. But I keep changing my mind on what it is I need to be that way. I know that I am happiest in a relationship and am not a serial dater.

Know thy self.

You are not a serial dater. You want a relationship. You want to be happy.

Good. Now go from there.

But I keep changing my mind on what it is I need to be that way.

Happiness and joy comes from within. Period. End of story.

Your first, best, and forever relationship is with you.

This is your life, your story. Kids, Jack, family, friends, work, etc. are big parts of your life, but they are not your life. They are all extras, you are the main character in your story.

DV, you have a wonderful happy life. Embrace all the extra parts which add more richness and happiness to your life, not define your life.

To return to your present concern, age difference. Uncouple it from the imagined future doom you have flitting about. In that uncoupling, age gap will become normalized and with nothing to latch onto the worried future will wither and flit away.

DnJ