Hey guys. I'm going to probably be moving my thread to the divorced section soon. XW and I are ramping up mediation and divorce this month. Have had a lot of things here that I have been meaning to talk about and post the last month. Some moments, some internal realizations.
Most recent events Last Sat. I picked up S2. We've been having a lot of fun together. I've been hiking on my off weekends which has been clearing my head. Been on a few dates over the last 4 months. They are ok. Nothing serious. Platonic coffee dates. Just getting practice getting back into the game, and attraction.
So last week XW submitted all stuff to mediator. Cc'd me on it. Im still submitting and looking for L just for review. Been short but pleasant and co operative with XW. Went to pickup S2 last weekend. XW wanted to have discussion about D and mediator. I didn't want to get emotionally involved, but let her talk and express her thoughts about it. I was very cool and non chalant about how I handled the conversation. She said she was "A little sad and a little anxious about the finality of it all" So I kept my cool. She mentioned inviting me to a dinner about pre-mediation just to cover our basis. Validated how hard this is for everyone. It is what it is and things will get done in a fairly timely manner on my end since I'm involved with deceased Mom's estate silmultaneously. Been really good but really short with PMA in front of XW for last 8 months. NC other than talk of S2 or practical stuff. But in reality in my own head Ill go weeks or months being detached then fluctuating some days between saltiness, sadness and bitterness to then being fine with D and moving on with my life.
XW painted marital house over the weekend. So anyway. Over last weekend when I had S2. XW's comment " about the finality of it all" kind of got me miffed, a little attached, and a little and mildly agitated over the weekend I had S2 because its like I couldn't tell if she was just expressing her feelings or trying to rope me back in? Internally my mind was screaming. "WELL WHAT AND HOW DID YOU EXPECT TO FEEL!? THIS IS WHAT HAPPENS IN DIVORCE!" I almost told her maybe you should save these conversations for your family members friends or therapists in the future?
So because my mind was on our interaction from Sat all weekend. Sun when I went to drop S2 off. I back slid from Sat. XW could tell I was a little irritated. I was also a little irritated because I'm attempting to quit smoking again. I kind of went off on her when she tried to rope me into another semi R convo about mediation. I said "I just want to get this f*ckin done without being emotionally roped into any conversations and just want this to end so I can forget about the hurt and get on with my life!" That I know this has to get done, but can we just communicate about it through emails/mediator, and stick to discussions of S2, cause I didn't want to be constantly reminded, confused, emotionally involved etc. Myself, the mediator and XW have been CC'D on all communications, messages and intentions moving forward. So I didn't see the necessity to keep discussing "the plan going forward." Or why she wanted to bring it up? Just for confirmation we are on the same page?
I left in a pissy mood. Slammed my car door. Took off. Pounded the gear shifter. Stopped the car, backed up. Knocked on the XW's front door and apologized for my behavior. She validated me to a degree and invited me in to talk. But what actually wound up happening is she did all the talking again about herself, how much I hurt her, and how there are times she's good to go moving forward too like me at times, detached and ok with it all. And then there are times where she says there are reminders still all around the house of me, and it makes her a little sad. She was also going out of her way to convince me that she is not dating anyone, how she was always faithful, kind of threw in there "I'm not the one online dating" implying me, and how much she is still trying to get over the hurt that I've caused her in the past. Again just validated all of it. She kind of talked around about the things I knew about when I was snooping 10-12 months ago trying to convince me all these changes she's making is for her. Mentioned she's looking for work out of state again. I emphasised I want S2 within a 15 mile radius of where I'm living currently and want that in the parenting agreement. Left the convo with how I can't be friends with the same amount of hurt/trust issues as a result of her lifestyle changes, decisions, etc. That I'm not like her divorced relatives that are friends with their exes and bring they're new spouses to family affairs.
I picked up S2 Mon. I initiated another talk that I just want us both to grow from this experience, be happy, and healthy for S2. That I don't want to have to keep fluctuating between being indifferent, and ok with D, between acceptance and denial in my own mind, and having to force myself to be bitter just to be able to fully let go at times. I just want to heal. I don't want to hate her. She is a really good person, a good mother, that just made some $hitty decisions and life choices.. But I'm sure we both have. I definately have. I don't want to ever want to be that person anymore, that is reactive to these bull$hit scenarios anymore, do what needs to be done and move on forever. I want to change. I want to be at peace. I want to have good coping skills and resolve again. I just want to rid myself of my own anger issues, fully shift my focus to our new lives, grow and learn from it and be the best version of ourselves. That I still don't respect a lot of her choices, but understand she has to do what she has to do to be happy and move on with her life as well. That I do respect her as a person, that she is putting herself first, and that there were a lot of good memories there, and I would like to move on keeping it that way remaining amicable but somewhat distant friends. (Really don't see the point lol...but it helps me dispel the anger saying that.) That said. I announced I was casually dating, which she figured from divorced brothers XGF who saw me online 1 year ago. Apparently they hang out every week now according to XW. I got some more stuff out of the atttic at her place. She asked me if I wanted the video from our first vacation together. I told her. Honestly I'm just going to put it in a box for the time being, (She said the same thing.) and I intentionally left it when I moved out 5 months ago. Told her to keep it in case S2 gets curious years later and wants to see it. She wants to have a dinner to go over all the D bull$hit. I wasn't fine with it at first because if there is something that needs to be debated or argued, I'm not getting roped into it. Just let the Lawyers and mediators handle any disagreements... But by Mon after our 2nd convo. I was a little more open to it for practicality reasons for saving $ and being billed hourly over things. I know this sounds crazy to most of you here but I have to be friends with my ex-wife if I'm ever going to respect her as a whole person, and if I'm ever going to look at her in a positive light as a good person. I can understand why she has made her choices that doesn't mean I have to like it. But I am doing this for me so I don't have to feel any anger anymore about the whole situation.
I was actually shocked in our conversation Mon. she showed some humility and accountability on her part this time. She realized how her communication patterns were very avoidant and stuffed down, and was afraid to talk to me. Even though she had some mentions of her disappointment in the M. She never fully expressed her needs appropriately, and we never fully focused on permanent solutions. Just temporary fixes. She said she needs to take more accountability and work on her communications. That made me feel good hearing that. Sounds like therapy is going good for her. Because for an entire year and even last Sun. All I got was victim mentality of how I hurt her, but she was totally unaware or concerned how she was hurting me. There are no victims in this. Just S2 because he's a child and didn't ask for this. We are both guilty of making mistakes and having bad relationship patterns torwards the end.
For the life of me what I can't figure out sometimes is when we were first dating. We both intentionally focused a lot on good relationship habits, communication, etc. Even met John Gray and got a book autographed to the both of us by him... Its weird. We went from being single, to growing together exponentially and having so much in common. We used to respect each others boundaries, be on our best behavior, try harder for one another, teach each other things and grow. Be more thoughtful, kind, and considerate. Our actions used to match our words. We used to have a rule to never go to bed angry. I guess we stopped growing at one point and over the years it just dwindled. My frustration grew with her and within myself, and I need to heal that. My complacency grew as well as hers. From my perspective. We had a really beautiful relationship until the day we got married... Lol... Then the habits changed, the division of labor changed, the follow through of promises changed, etc..I miss those pre-marital days sometimes. They make me happy thinking about them. Post Marital stresses mixed in with other wonderful memories were well? A typical marriage lol...I'm sure at some point we both stopped growing as individuals and in the M. Time to grow again as a single person. I don't get sad very often anymore. But when I do now. It just quickly washes over me. Sometimes my sadness comes out in anger, but that is very far and few in between nowadays with the exception of last Sun.
I've been socially handicapped for the last couple of months due to all the life circumstances. But the feelings that I get living on my own I feel like I'm 12 years younger again sometimes in my mind. Being single and all exploring and growing and trying new things, the freedom is there but not like when I was 27. But that is just being an adult and father with less PD time and social time. The future is going to be fun, even when things don't go according to plan, even if I get disappointment after disappointment. I'm going to handle it and grow from it and look forward to the simple things.
So that's that. My M is going to be a wrap and Im not looking back. F*ck it! We both need to heal and grow. I decided to blow the bridge forever, let go of hope, the rope, and all else. But I figure if I was going to do it. Do it with love, clairty, resolve, and respect. Who knows what the future will bring. I'm looking more forward everyday to not only taking myself back from all this, but becoming more at peace with myself, trying on new things, new people, new places, and new mindsets. Ill keep you guys updated how everything turns out in the next few months.
