I enjoyed reading about your pondering and thoughts. I do see your PMA and self focus. The kitchen/record/ingredient went very well.
Friends/friendship/foundation. That is interesting isn’t it?
Yes, a friendship would be required for a rekindling or building a new relationship or marriage. However, I think we need to go through the stage of less friends and more just friendly.
You see my friends don’t treat me like XW did / does. I do love her. And don’t like her.
Another idea for busting a divorce is not being the WAS’s friend. We are the prize. If they want to leave, they don’t have us just sitting there all friends and waiting. As I said, my friends treat me better than that.
Not friends doesn’t mean enemy; that’s where indifference fits into this.
And the love; that’s where compassion fits.
Compassionate indifference.
If our spouse turns back around, does their inner work, find themselves, etc., we unwind our indifference. They are a different person while lost within their emotional crisis, a person who is not our friend. Friendship to a MLCer means much different than what it means to you. Crisis people’s emotions are stunted and immature, and so are their friendships and relationships. When and if they exit their crisis, they return to more of themselves, and to more of the person whom we were friends with.
Indifference, compassion, focus on you, letting go, forgiveness, etc. - are all so important. Firstly to us. And secondly to any possible future relationship. If we focused and fretted over our spouse’s behaviour for all that time, it would eat us alive. Preventing our healing and growth, and destroying any chance of reconciliation.
It is important to separate the person from the behaviour. See each as, and for what they are. They are hurt people, trapped in a fog of despair and confusion, and are not behaving like a friend. Treat the person kindly and with compassion, and enforce necessary boundaries for unacceptable behaviour.
Originally Posted by cardinal
I see our strong friendship as a positive; I also know it probably helped me be complacent with the SSM for too long.
Your strong friendship will make a good foundation. It also let you overlook many things. Your friendship with H needs to grow - at a later time, for he is not ready right now.
Cardinal, that is pretty much the same way I see my XW. Her behaviour is, and was, obviously unfriendly in nature. I am curious how you see my viewpoint.
Self improvement/progress. Oh yes, you have made significant gains.
Your list is very good. I do understand what you mean about wanting it to be more concrete. To feel more concrete. To put those into action.
How to?
Make those permanent. Beliefs. Self reinforcing beliefs. A way of life.
Beliefs take time, they are slow to change.
You are making excellent progress. The concrete “feeling” you seek grows stronger and stronger as more and more days of living by your values accumulate.
As for items on your list, do not forget the ones you already possessed and strengthened. Loyalty, faithfulness, honesty, trustworthiness, and so on. The progress made here, the strength that these current traits gain is incredible, and once realized add much to that concrete feeling.
You are a woman only a fool would leave. You stand hopeful upon a strong foundation. Continue living forward.
DnJ
Feelings are fleeting. Be better, not bitter. Love the person, forgive the sin.
