1st Anniversary of Limbo, Indecisive WAH (part 2)

[Pommy99]

Yesterday was an ugly day. We fought and argued over OW and the lies, we had R talks where he expressed so much negativity about our M prior to the last 12 months, how he wanted to be out of the M back then, and nothing has changed in a year, that he doesn’t see us reconciling in future because of the way he feels about me. He accused me of being vindictive, that he was seeing the old me, the true me.

Today I feel just about every negative emotion I could possibly feel towards him and the M. The contrast between last weekend and this weekend is huge. Last week he was vulnerable, and tender towards me; since coming back from the city he’s been distant and unemotional. And in between there has been OW. And today is the 12 month anniversary of when I first uncovered the EA, when I overheard a secret phone call in the garden, in the pouring rain. Even then he lied and told me it was his brother (but he was forced to admit within a few minutes who it really was). And here we are, one year later, still being told lies and covering up phone calls.

Re the trial S vs S, for me trial is a kind of time out to reflect on the marriage, whilst still being married, looking inwards towards the marriage and giving consideration to if/how it could work. Trial is not looking to date other people, because if you want a R outside the marriage then you should not be in the M. Trial is still accepting that there may be no recon at the end. Full separation is looking away from M, going it alone, living and acting a single life, being free to have other relationships. The M is no more, S is a bridge to divorce.

Right now, I want the whole M to end. I don’t want a trial, I want a D. I hate him and what he is doing to us. I want to tell him I’m going to file for D but I fear I’m just reacting to yesterday’s events and the fact that he is signing his rental contract later today. But I really want him to know this is over, that I’m not his friend and if he walks out he’s never coming back. Am I being too hasty?

For an entire year he has chosen OW over me, even though in his mind he’s tried to make things work and tried to get his feelings back, she has still been there somewhere. There isn’t room for the both of us in his life, I’m not going to be sidelined as just a friend if he has romantic interests in her. This is why I want to say to him today that I don’t want to be his wife or friend anymore, I just want to walk away. There is no trial S if he is distancing himself from me and continuing any kind of R with her. I can’t operate under those terms. That’s not me trying to control him, that’s me accepting that he wants her in his life, and I’m not going to be part of it.