Just Keep Swimming: Detaching, LRT 2

[may22]

Hi Oceangirl,

The D book that I got (and triggered H so much when I read) is called Divorce with Decency. It is available on Amazon. I really appreciated reading through it because it felt like the basics that any good attorney would give you, help you look for the right attorney, and just getting yourself in the situation of knowing more about how to protect yourself and your kids. All a lot cheaper too than having a real L walk you through it. I just got worried when you said the part about your H's business not going so well and plus he's in this fantasy land of D. I definitely think a phone consult is totally fine. A lot of them prefer to do the initial free consultation by phone. You might also want to look into what state you can actually D in (if you get that far) since there are also residency requirements sometimes to that part as well.

I want to push back a little on Steve and detaching. I follow most of the LBWs here and I just don't see anyone using the "I'm not detached yet" as a badge of honor. I have been in deep, deep in that place and I see it more as feeling detachment is an unreachable goal, like enlightenment/nirvana and just as impossible to reach. It is so easy when you have some miles between you and those awful feelings when you're deep in the $hit to simply say-- dude, you need to detach, stop crying and about it and just do it. When you're there... it really isn't all that simple. I am far more detached than I was before, though nowhere near the "I don't care if my H had an orgy" level of detachment (well, I'm not sure I would really care too much about that, but I would probably still care if he came home tomorrow and said he changed his mind and was MO. Though more for my kids than for me.) And I still feel guilty when trying to encourage others to look up, beyond the sitch, focus on themselves and their kids and other people who love them and enriching experiences... because I know how it feels to not be able to see over the side of the hole you're in.

All that to say... I get it. It is super hard. And you still have to do it. For yourself and for your kids. I think this is one area where fake it til you make it can really help. And you DO deserve better than what he is able to give you right now-- don't forget that.

I also have a few questions for you, which you don't have to answer now if you don't feel like it (or ever). In your sitch, what happened between when he ended the A and now? He never really re-committed to working on the R or took responsibility? Does he still have contact with the AP-- I feel like I read at one point that they still see each other at work? (And WTF I can't stop turning over and over in my head that she was a good friend of yours... assuming that friendship is over? How do you feel about that part of it?) Has it been this bad consistently or just since he's said again he wants to end the M? Did you ever start your sexual relationship back up since the A? When did you move to CA? Sorry for all the questions... you've been through so much and I don't want to make you live through it again. But if it is in any way helpful for you to share a little more of what came between the A and now, I also think it would help a lot of us who are earlier in the process.

M xx