I have been served divorce papers relatively recently, and just last week discovered this site and the books. I have now finished reading DR (it's going to take me a while to get used to these abbreviations), and I know I am in the area where I need to use the last resort technique.
I knew my marriage was not going great for a while, but the last 6 months or so things have accelerated downward quickly. That was when I finally stood up for myself, from what I felt was constant negativity and criticism. My wife did not like that...at all.
However, I'd say the problems really started after our child was born a few years ago. There was an almost immediate disengagement from my wife and our relationship. All of her energy was focused on our daughter, and there was no effort to put time into our relationship. And I noticed pretty early on that her mood was changing. And from there things continued to build over time.
After reading DR, I do think I have a better understanding of what her perspective on things have been, and why she has been less than positive about our marriage. However, I do also feel that there might be some depression issues along with it. I say that based on some of her comments (very negative towards herself), her previous history in her first marriage, and some of her familial relationships.
The complaints she did bring up about our marriage have kind of been all over the place and inconsistent. I thought I had been doing (or not doing) the things the way she wanted, but apparently I was wrong. Not a Mind-Reader Syndrome I guess. But also, poor recognition and communication on my part too.
Anyway, so when everything started falling apart, I was angry and defensive, but also determined. I took every criticism she brought up and with my new knowledge set out to do things the way I now thought she wanted. I tried to do anything nice for her that I could. I wrote a couple of letters...yada yada yada.
But, that didn't seem to really work too well. So, of course, I got frustrated. I tried to make my case and point out where her thinking was wrong. I pointed out my issues with her, and expressed my anger a bit (which is very rare for me). Of course, anytime I brought up any criticism of her, or got angry, it just made things worse.
I had meant to be patient, and to respond from a place of love, but I let my emotions get the better of me a few times, and I wish I hadn't.
Recently, I decided I was just going to focus on improving myself and being their for my daughter, and just loving my wife. Regardless of how she responded, I was going to stay true to my vows. So, I continued doing things that I could, and started telling her I loved her every day before leaving, and before bed. That, of course, was met with silence, every time. I hoped that if I was persistent with showing her love, that it would get through to her. But, after awhile, something my pastor said to me struck a cord. He said, "How someone receives what you say is more important than what you mean. If you tell someone you love them, but for them, they hear "I hate you," then you're message is not getting home. So, I stopped saying that. That was pretty recently; shortly before finding this place.
Now, a few days earlier this week, she did seem to show signs of being nicer to me. Certainly nothing earth shattering, but better than the icy cold zero conversation (unless about our daughter) that I have been used to. However, the last couple of nights seem to be more on the icy side. I had been texting her most days just to ask her how her day was going, but stopped a few days ago after I started reading DR.
So, here I am. A new comer, in the last resort stage, trying to figure out what I need to do. What is considered "pursuing?" Is a simple text to see how her day is going pursuing? I know I can't tell her I love her, or send her gifts, or anything outlandish. We don't talk on the phone (never have).
I realize looking back over this, and it's kind of a muddled mess I just typed out...so:
TLDR version - Wife filed for divorce, I am on my last resort, not sure exactly how to approach things. I can be patient if this is going to take a long time, but I'm not sure time will wait for me.
