Learning how to stand, hope, & keep moving

[may22]

HI Cardinal,

I'm glad you seem like you're doing well. I like the story of the exchange re candy and records. What is it with these Hs and a record player? My H has dumped a TON of cash on records. At first I was annoyed and then I realized it was something he loved and why was it really bothering me? Not a lot of $ in the grand scheme.

The friendship part resonates and I think I will read the archived threads. I generally feel like what I read in MWD's books is rosier than a lot of what gets traction here, which partially could be because we're all in pretty dire situations once we get here and the LRT is appropriate. But I've also been reading some blogs online about affair healing from the involved partner's perspective, and while this is all infidelity related and so I don't know if it translates to non-infidelity situations, the LBS's willingness to reestablish connection, the friendship, all those things are important to the recovery. Also, I think a lot of people on these boards are dealing with WSs with whom the friendship is gone and the WS is acting in all ways like a jerk. I do think there is a real difference in our sitchs than those where the WS is actively demonizing the LBS, the home situation is untenable, everyone feels like garbage all the time, etc.

I see our strong friendship as a positive; I also know it probably helped me be complacent with the SSM for too long.

Wow, this is probably true for me as well. I never really contemplated the possibility that we weren't going to be there for each other forever. Literally never crossed my mind until this all started happening. And truthfully it still seems super far-fetched to me to imagine my life without him as my person or his without me even with everything that has happened. I hadn't thought of how the SSM was related to this. For whatever reason I was OK with just being great friends and partners and roommates. Now that isn't good enough anymore.

It's like MWD saying, Start with a beginner's mind. So many R challenges are solvable if even one partner is willing to make positive changes.

I like this too.

Have you read David Brooks' book The Second Mountain? It might be helpful... both to help understand maybe what got your H into the place he is, and for you to get through the valley and into what is next for you. I thought it was really good. It is probably a year since I read it so I can't remember a ton of specifics (read it when I thought my H was having an MLC rather than an A, and now all the infidelity books are crowding that out) but you might like it.

Because, like a lot of us here, I am becoming AWOAFWL! I am AWOAFWL!

You are!!