What's getting me is the often present anger and disrespect. I've never had anyone treat me this poorly. My IC and I still dont understand how nothing has changed 7 months in now. Today my kid spilled his milk. I took his tray, put it on the counter and started cleaning while also giving D4 some food. W walked up to the tray and made insulting gestures basically saying through non verbal that it was stupid to put it there versus the sink. I said "what am I the bad guy now for taking care of the kids?". Consequently I get a death look, she says no and now she is withdrawn again.
Nothing's changed because nothing's changed. You haven't changed enough for her to notice, and neither has she. To be honest if you put the tray some where I felt was precarious and the 4yo could've knocked it down and made it worse I probably would've made a face too. Because that is something I'm super bad at being as A type as I am. It drives me crazy when people don't do things the way I'd do them. I'm working at it. Trying to let go of the control. But control is a coping mechanism for me, so it's harder than just being less of a jerkface it's letting go of how I survived my childhood. My biggest concern here is how you reacted. First of all that was a super passive aggressive statement. Next and probably most importantly, did you really need to say anything at all to her nonverbal cue? Here let me answer that for you. No, no you didn't. You made a choice to make an already tense moment worse. You could've just as easily been annoyed in the moment and then let it go. Like every long term couple on the planet. You escalated the situation because you wanted to.
Originally Posted by Core
This thing by itself, not a big deal but there isnt good moments inbetween to make up for it. I could live alone and only have to deal with this stuff when transferring the kids. What is the point of ever going back to this kind of marriage?
No LBS here is going back to "that kind of marriage." None of us. All the vets, all the people piecing right now are not time traveling. They are starting over and building something better, a stronger foundation, better skills, deeper connections. If you want this, you aren't wanting what you used to have. You're wanting something better than before. Something where neither of you feels trapped. Something to run toward, not away from.
Originally Posted by Core
At this point, I know I am happier when she is not around. When she traveled and was gone, my world felt brighter. Now its painful. At home, I feel like Im around a person who has their sights set on me. I'm the problem, I'm a monster. I deserve this because I didnt give her the life she wanted. (She said literally, I never expected us to have any problems, why did you let this happen).
If you're happier when she's gone so be it. You wanna call it so be it. But the fact you are actually buying into anything she throws at you in anger or despair is not only concerning, it means you're not actually done. If you were really done you wouldn't take a thing she has to say to heart.
Originally Posted by Core
Im not sure why I'm posting today, I guess I'm hoping someone talks me out of filing again. Im two weeks away from the deadline I gave myself when this started. Looking like I either file, or I live in turmoil.
You're timeline is arbitrary and can be changed at any time. You want to file tomorrow, go ahead. You want to change your time line to a year from now, that's within your power too. This isn't a real deadline. Don't give it more weight than it deserves. You don't want to live in turmoil, then don't. It's your choice here to continue investing your emotions in your W's roller coaster. You could work harder on detachment. You could walk away and call it quits. But I can tell you filing isn't going to stop the turmoil.
Originally Posted by Core
I want it to work for the kids but I dont know that i want this woman anymore. The longer I stay, the more abuse I receive and the more alimony she gets. Why stay? I could be working towards my kids and my own future right now, but right now, my earnings half go to her future. This delays hopes of retiring. Why cant my W or most WW/WAS be somewhat nice?...I'm near the end of my patience. I have lost hope and I think Im losing myself. I cant detach when Im around her. The passive aggressive remarks almost daily still find their way
Ok I realize this is chaotic because you're just journaling so I'm going to try to sort this out. Literally everything in this paragraph says you have absolutely no idea what you want but you're leaning towards being out. The fact is if you aren't in the least self possessed in this you are essentially making a rash decision. I found myself again because of this mess. Some days I wonder what I'm doing standing. But for the most part I know what I want and how long I'll wait for it. You can't make a good decision in crisis. You need to truly work on getting out of crisis mode.
Originally Posted by Core
...I show zero disrespect. I lead the family by example...
Core, buddy, come on now. You just told me something you did that was crazy passive aggressive. No body's Jesus here. Let's not forget that. You try to show zero disrespect. You try to lead the family by example. You aren't without fault. And if you were fully aware of every single one of your flaws you wouldn't be here, or floundering. We're all works in progress. Own that. And own the effort, trying is a big deal. There's no shame in being a person trying to be the best version of themselves.
