WAW - is it too late?

[RVM]

W sways from being smiley and nice to me, to making passive-aggressive comments/judgments, or acting really smug and dismissive – almost as if she’s flaunting her A with OM. I’ve mostly done a good job at not reacting to these tests. It’s tough, as that’s one of things I failed miserably at in the past.

Is that how you see her passive-aggressive comments/judgments and behaving smug and dismissive...........as "tests"? In the past, how did you respond or react to this type of behavior?

I'm not sure if tests is the correct word. But, they do feel like tests of my manhood. I'll have to start gathering examples so I can get some good feedback from you. However, in the past, I reacted almost immediately with defensive arguments back in not such a nice demeanor. Unfortunately, this happened in front of the kids sometimes. So, my wife would make snide comments under her breath, and I would snap back. And, we never had any follow up to whatever the argument was. We'd either both give the silent treatment for awhile (or moreso I would), and there would be tension in the air for awhile.

As mentioned in previous post W makes a lot of passive-aggressive, argument-baiting judgy comments towards me - often done low-key in front of the kids. I’ve been mostly good about responding with nods or “okay” type of comments. But, overall I am struggling with this and mostly it is because it just feels like she’s potentially poisoning my kids’ minds.

RVM, these are disrespectful behavior patterns a WW uses. They might be seen as a test, in the sense the WW will always test her H's manhood. The more she loathes him, the more she'll put him down in front of his children, relatives, friends, etc. She is teaching her daughters how to verbally reduce the man to a pathetic doormat. If the H lets it slide, then he is showing his daughters that men are inferior and must endure the cruel tongue of his WW. That's harshly stated, but you get the idea. I think it becomes a pattern, and the H with NGS tells himself not to make a big deal of it and ignore. Kids take in everything their parents say/do to each other, so we are constantly painting a picture for them, about their future role in a MR, and the role of their partner.

I don't believe spouses should argue/fight in front of their children.......nor make put-downs, snide remarks, etc. I think there are men who know how to respond to this type of disrespect, and thereby, teach the children that the H should not tolerate such disrespect....especially, under his own roof. However, if he is a nice-guy and has never called his W's hand on how she speaks disrespectfully.......it might not be the wisest thing to make the first attempt in front of the kids, or anyone else....... b/c the war would be on! And, RVM, you never validate disrespectful behavior. To "ignore and move on", IMHO, is an invitation for more to come. The WW's verbal disrespect toward her H, should first be addressed privately, to let her know he is not going to roll over & play dead the next time it happens. That's why H's find themselves being treated like a doormat, b/c they would not stand up for themselves.

I want you to think about what you would do if you told her not to speak to you that way, and she responded by asking what you'd do if she chose not to stop. These are the things you need to consider. That's why you need to understand how to use effective boundaries. Boundaries are put in place to protect your feelings. If the other person chooses to ignore your boundary, then you need to have a plan of action. In other words, if you privately tell your WW that you will no longer tolerate her passive-aggressive, snide, disrespectful comments in front of the children........what action are you prepared to take, if she challenges you? I can guarantee she'll challenge you the first time, just to see if you have the guts to stand up to her. There is no point in speaking a boundary, if you aren't prepared to back it up with action.

If you have not read on the subject of personal & relationship boundaries, please do it ASAP. Maybe you can draw us a picture of her saying things you felt were passive-aggressive, smug or dismissive? Pl,ease don't even mention the word "boundary" until you have it down solid and know what you're doing. Don't be like some men in past times, who dug a deeper hole b/c they didn't do their homework.

The fear of arguing in front of my kids is what has driven me to mostly just ignore her comments. And, I don't have consequences set up if she violates my internal boundaries on this type of disrepect. I have discussed this with her before in private and told her I wouldn't tolerate her low-key putdowns or emasculating types of comments. But, I didn't offer any real consequences. Do you have any recommended reading on the personal/relationship boundaries? Right now, we don't have any real relationship to speak of other than essentially co-parenting from the same house.

2) W may also think I’m being reckless or spiteful – i.e. going out to bars and drinking. She knows I go to the gym almost every weeknight. But, the weekend nights, she really has no idea what I’ve been up to.

She's not worried about her nice-guy H being reckless, going out to bars and drinking.

I should qualify this - I'm more concerned that she will paint a bad picture of me to others (family, friends) because she doesn't know what I'm doing at night. I've already witnessed what she's capable of saying when I'm right there in the room. She knows I'm extremely suspicious of her behavior and has been on the defense (or attack) ever since I confronted her about it months ago. My mysterious nighttime GAL'ing might be more ammunition for her to paint a bad picture of me.

As always, thanks again for all your insights, they're really appreciated! I will try to get some better examples of her disrespectful behavior towards me.