WW Patience, Limbo amd Fear

[Core]

Thank you Wayfarer. Your part on your H thinking he was Jesus for awhile made me laugh.

What's getting me is the often present anger and disrespect. I've never had anyone treat me this poorly. My IC and I still dont understand how nothing has changed 7 months in now. Today my kid spilled his milk. I took his tray, put it on the counter and started cleaning while also giving D4 some food. W walked up to the tray and made insulting gestures basically saying through non verbal that it was stupid to put it there versus the sink. I said "what am I the bad guy now for taking care of the kids?". Consequently I get a death look, she says no and now she is withdrawn again.

This thing by itself, not a big deal but there isnt good moments inbetween to make up for it. I could live alone and only have to deal with this stuff when transferring the kids. What is the point of ever going back to this kind of marriage?

At this point, I know I am happier when she is not around. When she traveled and was gone, my world felt brighter. Now its painful. At home, I feel like Im around a person who has their sights set on me. I'm the problem, I'm a monster. I deserve this because I didnt give her the life she wanted. (She said literally, I never expected us to have any problems, why did you let this happen).

I know my flaws and challenge them. Working on them for me and the kids.

Im not sure why I'm posting today, I guess I'm hoping someone talks me out of filing again. Im two weeks away from the deadline I gave myself when this started. Looking like I either file, or I live in turmoil. I want it to work for the kids but I dont know that i want this woman anymore. The longer I stay, the more abuse I receive and the more alimony she gets. Why stay? I could be working towards my kids and my own future right now, but right now, my earnings half go to her future. This delays hopes of retiring. Why cant my W or most WW/WAS be somewhat nice? I show zero disrespect. I lead the family by example. I'm near the end of my patience. I have lost hope and I think Im losing myself. I cant detach when Im around her. The passive aggressive remarks almost daily still find their way.