WAW - is it too late?

[sandi2]

W sways from being smiley and nice to me, to making passive-aggressive comments/judgments, or acting really smug and dismissive – almost as if she’s flaunting her A with OM. I’ve mostly done a good job at not reacting to these tests. It’s tough, as that’s one of things I failed miserably at in the past.

Is that how you see her passive-aggressive comments/judgments and behaving smug and dismissive...........as "tests"? In the past, how did you respond or react to this type of behavior?

As mentioned in previous post W makes a lot of passive-aggressive, argument-baiting judgy comments towards me - often done low-key in front of the kids. I’ve been mostly good about responding with nods or “okay” type of comments. But, overall I am struggling with this and mostly it is because it just feels like she’s potentially poisoning my kids’ minds.

RVM, these are disrespectful behavior patterns a WW uses. They might be seen as a test, in the sense the WW will always test her H's manhood. The more she loathes him, the more she'll put him down in front of his children, relatives, friends, etc. She is teaching her daughters how to verbally reduce the man to a pathetic doormat. If the H lets it slide, then he is showing his daughters that men are inferior and must endure the cruel tongue of his WW. That's harshly stated, but you get the idea. I think it becomes a pattern, and the H with NGS tells himself not to make a big deal of it and ignore. Kids take in everything their parents say/do to each other, so we are constantly painting a picture for them, about their future role in a MR, and the role of their partner.

I don't believe spouses should argue/fight in front of their children.......nor make put-downs, snide remarks, etc. I think there are men who know how to respond to this type of disrespect, and thereby, teach the children that the H should not tolerate such disrespect....especially, under his own roof. However, if he is a nice-guy and has never called his W's hand on how she speaks disrespectfully.......it might not be the wisest thing to make the first attempt in front of the kids, or anyone else....... b/c the war would be on! And, RVM, you never validate disrespectful behavior. To "ignore and move on", IMHO, is an invitation for more to come. The WW's verbal disrespect toward her H, should first be addressed privately, to let her know he is not going to roll over & play dead the next time it happens. That's why H's find themselves being treated like a doormat, b/c they would not stand up for themselves.

I want you to think about what you would do if you told her not to speak to you that way, and she responded by asking what you'd do if she chose not to stop. These are the things you need to consider. That's why you need to understand how to use effective boundaries. Boundaries are put in place to protect your feelings. If the other person chooses to ignore your boundary, then you need to have a plan of action. In other words, if you privately tell your WW that you will no longer tolerate her passive-aggressive, snide, disrespectful comments in front of the children........what action are you prepared to take, if she challenges you? I can guarantee she'll challenge you the first time, just to see if you have the guts to stand up to her. There is no point in speaking a boundary, if you aren't prepared to back it up with action.

If you have not read on the subject of personal & relationship boundaries, please do it ASAP. Maybe you can draw us a picture of her saying things you felt were passive-aggressive, smug or dismissive? Pl,ease don't even mention the word "boundary" until you have it down solid and know what you're doing. Don't be like some men in past times, who dug a deeper hole b/c they didn't do their homework.

Another question in regards to GAL. So, besides the things I’ve mentioned earlier, I have gotten dressed up nicely after the kids have gone to bed and just said, “I’m going out tonight” and left.

Great!

I’m not concerned about going out and not giving her details of what I’m doing. But, I am concerned that 1) Since these things happen without giving W any real advance notice, W may think I’m just avoiding parental responsibility (if kids wake up, etc).

No, you're just thinking like a nice-guy.

I don't want to contradict something previous stated on the subject of GAL, but if both spouses are GAL, then some advance notice may be necessary. If not, she'll beat you out the door. She'll plan ways of sticking you with the kids. You don't have to give details, but in order to make sure someone will be there with the kids, you may need to tell her you plan to go out on such & such night.

2) W may also think I’m being reckless or spiteful – i.e. going out to bars and drinking. She knows I go to the gym almost every weeknight. But, the weekend nights, she really has no idea what I’ve been up to.

She's not worried about her nice-guy H being reckless, going out to bars and drinking.

She did make a comment a few weeks ago – “are you going to go out every night now?” in a disapproving/angry tone.

Coming from a WW, that's rich (sarcasm intended). Don't fear her disapproval or angry mood. It's not your trustworthiness in question here, it's your WW's.