1st Anniversary of Limbo, Indecisive WAH (part 2)

[may22]

Hey Pommy,

I'm really sorry about the OW situation. I am not surprised though and I imagine you really aren't either. There were just so, so many similarities to how your H was behaving and how mine was and it all makes so much more sense when there is another person involved. I would definitely be prepared for it to be more than an EA and that to be his primary motivator in MO. She may be pushing him. I'm sure he is honestly scared $hitless and confused and all the rest. But the H he is being right now is not the H you want in your life, right?

I read over and over when my H told me ILYB that for men 95% of the time there is an OW when those words come out. I said as much to my H early on and he was like "you believe anything you read on the internet." But... it does seem to be true. Seems like the best thing to do is assume she exists, assume it is worse than you think it is, and see how you feel about that and go from there. He's lying and you just can't trust what he's saying right now.

This is his journey. You can't make these decisions for him. As awful as it all is, the only way is through it. (I don't know if you have this children's song in the UK about going on a bear hunt and you come to these obstacles and you can't go over them or under them or around them, you have to slog through them? If so, maybe that is a good analogy. It all $ucks but the only way is to go through it with your head held high and see where you are on the other side.)

On the trial S vs S... what is really the difference in your mind? Is it that you imagine a trial S has an end date and he'll move back in at the end? He wears his ring? He doesn't date? I don't actually see much of difference between the two right now. Either way you both get the space you both need-- him to figure out his $hit and you to continue to focus on yourself, detaching, and healing so that you are in a place where you KNOW you're going to be great no matter what happens with your H-- and in either scenario you can end up back together, or not.

FWIW, we talked a little (my H and I) about a trial separation back in December (before I knew the full extent of his A). I said I could be possibly open to him living in the basement but would need his assurance that he wouldn't be in touch with AP. In retrospect there is absolutely no way that would have happened, and was just me trying to continue to establish control over the situation. Once I found out the full extent of the A and we talked about S/D, it was not trial. It was if you walk out this door, we are over. We will not be friends. I will be a cordial co-parent. That is it. And I went about my business collecting financial documents and 100% honestly planning out my life down that path. And I knew I would be OK even though I was furious and sad and knew that the next steps were going to be rocky and steep and exhausting and treacherous. (Now I guess I'm on a hike!)

Maybe for you, can you drop the control piece? You can't control his behavior if you S. (You can't control it now, either.) You can only control yours. So he can wear his wedding ring, or not. He can be in touch with OW or not. It doesn't matter. What matters is YOU and how you move forward and fill your days with people who care about you and things and experiences that enrich you.

And on the wedding ring piece specifically-- I never told my H I wanted him to wear it. I watched it go on and off over two years, wondering why it took him longer and longer to put it back on if he took it off for surfing or yoga. I asked him about it a few times and he said surfing, yoga, forgot to put it back on... and then honestly once we started talking seriously about our MR-- probably for the last year-- he said that the troubles in our R were also part of him not being particularly motivated to put it back on. And of course the A played enormously into that as well. When he didn't wear it on his trip in November, I was kind of devastated. But I didn't say a word. And now that he has put it back on-- I think there is actual meaning there, he knows it means something to me but I didn't tell him to do it and he is making the choice to do it himself. Making your H wear his ring during your S doesn't mean anything. Seeing what he does on his own could possibly be a window into how he's feeling, but not if he's only doing it because he thinks you want him to.

HUGS, Pommy. I know how hard this is. You are strong and smart and know what is important in life. FWIW your H doesn't deserve you. Hopefully he can come to his senses and earn his way back in, but for now I think you need to loosen your grip and let him go. (We are all going to get hot, kind, generous, honest, faithful, amazing dads/fathers/lovers in our next lives for sure!)