I am really sorry you find yourself in this situation. When I think back to the pain of my H being with OW and it being right in my face, I just shutter. It actually feels surreal and at the time I didn't think I could get through it. Of course I did, and you will too, even if our outcomes are different. I decided to post to offer you empathy because I understand the agony of knowing your H is with OW and also infatuated with her. It is like someone ripping you apart from the inside out and you might begin to question who you are, if your life as you knew it was ever real, and it can cause you to ruminate and spin with fear and pain. The advice here is often technique and goal driven, but I found that very hard to execute given the amount of depression and anxiety that was building up as things got worse.
I am saying all of this to you because I am reading that you are being hard on yourself. You are regretting engaging with him in too much conversation and texting and you are trying to validate more. From my perspective, you don't need to focus on any of that. I think you might be better off protecting yourself emotionally by creating as much space and distance as you can. I don't see anything good coming from your interactions with him. They are causing you more anxiety and self-doubt. You don't need that right now. Can you take the DB rules and principles of validating and put them on the back shelf for the time being? I also happen to think that when a person is abusing us (and I define adultery as a type of mental abuse) then validating does not serve a purpose and it anything it demonstrates weakness. When someone is all out harming you, first and foremost should come self protection and self preservation. Stay away from danger.
I recall in my sitch trying to follow the DB principles and then failing and ultimately feeling worse about myself. They became self defeating. I had too much fear, anxiety and depression. There is a lot of cookie cutter advice here, but some of our sitches are much more extreme than others. Ie, if your S picks up and leaves you for OP and then boasts about it, then that is different then them just saying they are unhappy in the M. The more extreme the behavior from them, the more difficult it can be to accept and deal with. The times I felt better about myself were when I just stayed away from him entirely and learned to drop the rope. You don't have to pretend to be strong and detached if you don't feel that way. You don't have to validate cr-p attitude and behavior from him. IMO, right now your focus should be on you and on your self protection and self preservation. You don't have to have conversations with him about anything other than logistics and that can be done in matter of fact emails. You do not have to validate anything. He does not have to know where you are at or how you feel about anything. He is not a safe person for you. You have the right to put up strong boundaries and protect yourself. He is not a safe person to have in your life at all.
I am truly sorry this is so hard right now. Please take care of yourself as best you can. Create space away from a person that is no longer safe for you. Surround yourself with people that you trust and that love you and care for you. Build new relationships with people that are supportive and strong. Celebrate yourself and your own strengths. Find GAL that are therapeutic and help you work through the grief. Just grieve. Have faith that in time, you will come out on the other side, and perhaps a stronger version of yourself.
"What is best for my kids is best for me" Amor Fati Link to quotes: https://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2879712
