[quote=Chum]W called earlier to tell me that she introduced the kids to OM yesterday.
Convo went like this:
W - "Just wanted to tell you I introduced OM to the kids yesterday, just a quick hi and said he is my friend" M - "Okay" W - Awkward silence... M - "Great, fantastic!"Is there anything else? I need to run.
Don't do the passive/aggressive stuff. Have you read No More Mister Nice Guy?
Thanks for the advice AS. I knew I could of should have handled it better, but it could have been a lot worse with all the anger I'm feeling at the moment. I've seen NMMNG mentioned a lot on here and didn't know NGS was a thing. I've just finished DR so I'll read it next.
Feeling crap, need to get my emotions in check. Feel so much anger and resentment towards W at the moment and her introducing our kids to OM has really pissed me off. Feel totally disrespected and just want to tell her that, but that wouldn't change anything would it? W doesn't see it as she's having an affair as we're seperated - I'm guessing I shouldn't tell her how I see it?
Need to regroup. I've been kidding myself that I'm doing alright, but I'm clearly not. I'll arrange IC this week.
I've mentioned previously that W and I have mostly been getting along pretty well for the past few months. W has always said she wants us to "get along" and I get that as we need to co-parent. It's not like we've been hanging out together or anything, just our communication has been gradually getting more relaxed and friendly with the odd joke here and there. I feel like she has softened somewhat but not sure I should or can be too friendly anymore whilst OM is in the picture. I don't want to speak to her right now. I'm thinking it may be best to darken the shade a bit, keeping things light and polite, but more business like and to the point. We communicate daily about the kids, send daily photos of kids, text daily about kids, several phone calls per week for either one of us to speak with kids and of course the exchanges. We tend to go off topic often and I'll ask about her work or whatever and show a genuine interest.
I'm way too attached so I feel that going dark(ish) would help and would assist my healing.
Do your kids have any sort or schedule or structure in their lives? Plan stuff out, maybe use a shared calendar, but definitely you don't need to be talking to her all the time. It should be only emergencies that y'all would need to call each other. I wouldn't send her texts and photos like that. The child exchanges don't require any communication either. Just park in the drive and wave if your W is there. Let the kids walk outside.
And no, there's no purpose to telling your W right now how pissed you are at her. Just stop being her little buddy.
What needs of hers is she getting met that you were neglecting before? Have you thought about this much?
And for chrissakes do everything you can to be 100 times the MAN that this basement dweller OM is.
H 34 W 29 BD 3/12/18 Divorce Busted Spring 19
It is not things that bother us, but the stories we tell ourselves about things.
We arrange when I have the kids on a weekly basis which is not ideal. It's due to my work shifts as I work some weekends and so have some weekdays off. Ws job is flexible so she plans her work days for when I'm off so I take care of the kids. The photos are something we've always done and I do appreciate them when I'm missing the kids, so not sure I'd want to stop that. It's usually a photo of them in the morning and before bed and I think I'd miss that. Will cut down communication for sure and just keep it about the kids as I do want to hear how they are and what they've been doing. I'll stop engaging in conversations about Ws work and stuff, just listen and validate.
Okay, will resist the urge to give her a piece of my mind. I almost wanted to bring up divorce as she has not mentioned the D word once.
Regarding her needs being met, I take it as with her being with OM. The only thing I can think of right now is we didn't get to go out much for dates etc. due to the kids and busy work schedule, but I should have made an effort to make this happen. We did spend almost all of our evenings together but mostly at home. Now I think she's enjoying her little escape from reality once or twice per week when I have the kids over and she's enjoying her freedom. I know she often struggles when she has the kids on her own and seems to look forward to the break when I have them.
Feeling like crap is part of the process. That is why GAL is such a valuable tool. When ever you feel yourself spinning, go do something fun. Even if it is just going and browsing at your favorite store. Lucky for me I had a huge outdoor store close by and I would go there and window shop all of the hunting and shooting items in stock. I'd even grab a number, get a sales associate and handle some of the items.
Find something you can go to....then go to it when your emotions start spinning out of control. Because they certainly will.
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
Regarding her needs being met, I take it as with her being with OM. The only thing I can think of right now is we didn't get to go out much for dates etc. due to the kids and busy work schedule, but I should have made an effort to make this happen. We did spend almost all of our evenings together but mostly at home. Now I think she's enjoying her little escape from reality once or twice per week when I have the kids over and she's enjoying her freedom. I know she often struggles when she has the kids on her own and seems to look forward to the break when I have them.
I could have ( may have ) written this 14 months ago - I often felt like this when my WAW got with the OM..
My WAW struggled with the kids ( still does ) and loves her nights out... let’s put this into context - Your WW isn't 21 anymore - she is an adult and made decisions along the way. she has children, she has / had a husband - she had responsibilities... I'll never get why people (note people, not just women) decide they want to settle, bang on about having children and bring a child into the world etc, but don't grasp the concept that children are not a Barbie doll / He-man figure. Children are not toys these people can just put down once they get bored / want to move onto the next exciting thing. i.e. Once you become a parent they have to make sacrifices for 14 - 18 years.. Sandi writes that the WAW is the most selfish type of individual - or words to that effect from memory - and it’s true.. So what do you need to do - be the opposite of the self destructive WAW. Be there for your children, be the best dad you can be and show the kids the love / happy environment they deserve – You don’t need WAW to do this – its something you can provide and control… you can't control her or her silly actions. Let her self destruct - while you build on being a better you, the best father you can be and make the most of the life you are making..
Previous username - Helpme123.. A name chosen at a desperate time..
Now Mr Brightside.. coming out of my cage, and doing just fine.
I'm sure you have a gazillion photos of your kids at this point, you need a picture of them in the morning and another before bed? I get loving your kids but this is strange to me. Maybe we're just different.
Quote
I almost wanted to bring up divorce as she has not mentioned the D word once.
Actions speak louder than words. If you want a divorce, take action. Bringing up divorce with her just shows that you are indecisive about it. It's ok to be indecisive at this point, but I think you want to see what she says and determine how to act based off of her reactions. Do what YOU want.
H 34 W 29 BD 3/12/18 Divorce Busted Spring 19
It is not things that bother us, but the stories we tell ourselves about things.
Actions speak louder than words. If you want a divorce, take action. Bringing up divorce with her just shows that you are indecisive about it. It's ok to be indecisive at this point, but I think you want to see what she says and determine how to act based off of her reactions. Do what YOU want.
THIS
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
Feeling like crap is part of the process. That is why GAL is such a valuable tool. When ever you feel yourself spinning, go do something fun. Even if it is just going and browsing at your favorite store. Lucky for me I had a huge outdoor store close by and I would go there and window shop all of the hunting and shooting items in stock. I'd even grab a number, get a sales associate and handle some of the items.
Find something you can go to....then go to it when your emotions start spinning out of control. Because they certainly will.
Thanks, Steve. Yes I need to make more of an effort to GAL and start enjoying the simple things in life again. Past couple of weeks I've been struggling to find the motivation to do anything, but I know I just need to take action and get it done. I live near the coast so I usually go for a big walk or go for a run. Sometimes go down to the local pup for a couple of drinks and chat to the locals. Just anything to get out the house helps. If I've got the kids I'll take them out to a park or something. Just need to keep busy.
Regarding her needs being met, I take it as with her being with OM. The only thing I can think of right now is we didn't get to go out much for dates etc. due to the kids and busy work schedule, but I should have made an effort to make this happen. We did spend almost all of our evenings together but mostly at home. Now I think she's enjoying her little escape from reality once or twice per week when I have the kids over and she's enjoying her freedom. I know she often struggles when she has the kids on her own and seems to look forward to the break when I have them.
I could have ( may have ) written this 14 months ago - I often felt like this when my WAW got with the OM..
My WAW struggled with the kids ( still does ) and loves her nights out... let’s put this into context - Your WW isn't 21 anymore - she is an adult and made decisions along the way. she has children, she has / had a husband - she had responsibilities... I'll never get why people (note people, not just women) decide they want to settle, bang on about having children and bring a child into the world etc, but don't grasp the concept that children are not a Barbie doll / He-man figure. Children are not toys these people can just put down once they get bored / want to move onto the next exciting thing. i.e. Once you become a parent they have to make sacrifices for 14 - 18 years.. Sandi writes that the WAW is the most selfish type of individual - or words to that effect from memory - and it’s true.. So what do you need to do - be the opposite of the self destructive WAW. Be there for your children, be the best dad you can be and show the kids the love / happy environment they deserve – You don’t need WAW to do this – its something you can provide and control… you can't control her or her silly actions. Let her self destruct - while you build on being a better you, the best father you can be and make the most of the life you are making..
Thanks for the reply, MrBrside. Love that tune btw. Everthing you said rings so true. I've always been a very involved dad (always room for improvement though) and W has always said how I'm such an amazing dad. I think her knowing they'll be having a great time with me eleiviates some guilt whilst she's out being 21 again. The kids never seem to want to go back to mummy's house after they've been with me.
