I've had a bereavement in the family this week and it’s changed my DB game a bit because W came over after hearing about it and I’ve seen her the last few days.
When W left after BD I wanted to get her back and the M back on track. And when I found out about the A I thought initially it was all over and I was going to be moving on. Even though before I felt like I had partially come to terms with the possibility of an A before BD (but had dismissed it as unlikely). After finding out, the emotions for W (that I think were partially residual from her leaving too) pushed me into thinking I could fix it (typical man) and get the M back, and perhaps we’d be happier overall. In the process of doing that I applied pressure (often unknowingly).
When W moved back in she said she felt that she had to do that otherwise she was going to lose me as I’d told her I would probably move on if she didn’t want to try. Since finding out and trying to fix all this I haven’t been sleeping properly at all. I asked W to move out as above for a second time because she didn’t hold up her end of the R and honestly I didn't get all the right signs either (thanks for confirming those Sandi). I detached, and am still not replying much. She has complained at the lack of contact.
Since she left for the second time I’m sleeping fine again, and I think that’s because I was pushing for something that wasn’t being returned and she felt pressured to try. I also wasn’t taking any time for myself to come to terms with everything - even though I had time I wasn’t using it. W seems happier and healthier now than she has looked in weeks. I don’t ask where she is/where she’s been and avoid R talk. I think she is either feeling the benefit of less pressure and R talk or more space with OM? I would like to think the former but I don’t know.
W is enjoying less stress from talking about the A and feeling pressure from me although says she misses me a lot and thinks about coming back all the time. She talks about the future what she’d like to do with children, and planning on where we might live etc. What’s weird is a big gap in the middle because I feel the present is currently missing and we’re not talking R any more. It’s starting to make me complacent and uninterested. Almost like she's picking the desirable bits of her future (stability, kids, etc) without having to put the effort in now. When W was over this week after the bereavement we kissed a bit and she has started kissing me when we've parted of her own accord. I don’t know whether I should let that continue because I don’t know status of OM but I think it’s a good sign (and I think the first physical thing she’s done without me suggesting/initiating). Should I be putting a stop to that and stating I need R first?
I think she’d like to move to us ‘dating’ but I don’t think I can honestly do that without R. Otherwise I’d worry I might be settling for scraps and crumbs if I’m not careful. With ‘dating’ she gets my involvement and attention which I don’t want to give without commitment. On the other hand I don’t want to apply any pressure. OM works away usually but has been in between jobs and has been living close by for the last 6 months. I will be suspicious if him leaving coincides with her wanting to come back. She told me the day after I asked her to leave she would do all the transparency etc but I don’t want to rush anything and get it wrong. She also says she’s confident we’ll get back together but her slow pace is turning me off. Should I detach/NC again or stay semi-available to see what happens? I suppose if it progresses I'll just have to state that I'm not ready for that yet until she is ready to commit?
