I don't want a divorce II ---- NEW THREAD Part 4

[SteveLW]

We have a saying around here: When he wants to come back, you will know. When he doesn't, you will be confused.

But do not underestimate his capacity for swinging wildly. So many have come here and said "My WAS will never change their mind!" However, he stood before God and witnesses and committed his life to you.....and then changed his mind. They CAN change their mind. Sometimes it takes going through with D before they do. Sometimes they do but the LBS has already moved on and says "thanks, but no thanks".

But to the ocean with him. Focus on you.

I think in my case things are much more tenuous. Seeing how we have been down this road before just 2yr ago... and he came back. I'm sure his walls are up much higher. This time rather than keeping things in house and leaning on me. He is leaning on friends and this OW. He is convinced that we never should have married to begin with. We only dated for 6months before he moved in and and then married a year after that. He stated we were still in the honeymoon phase - he feels we are toxic together. These are not words that would have come from my husband... these are words he is hearing elsewhere.

I think his resolve is stronger. He actually told me I should go out and date but he doesn't want to know about it... then why all the snooping on his part? All this interest in where I am and suddenly making me dinner is just a way that I stay a plan B?

I don't know.

But Steve85 please know I am reading and re-reading your messages... I'm making them sink in!!! I'm working on just focusing on me this weekend.

It is never a wise think to mind-read a WAS. It is all speculation. Speculation will cause you to focus on the wrong things and compromise your DB efforts.

I know you feel the sitch 2 yrs ago plays into this. I'd have to go back and read your original sitch, but I can tell you that I've seen a lot of WASs over the years. And a lot of them, though unhappy, do not address it. Then they meet an OP, and suddenly their marriage is not salvageable. It disgusts me that they take that tact. Likely you sitch would never of occurred if he hadn't met and/or started being inappropriate with OW. Your previous sitch. Your previous bad W behavior. None of that really matters. Yes you should 180 on that behavior, but for yourself. Not him.

I will repeat. No matter what. The sitch 2 years ago (which by the way speaks volumes to me about this man's character), your bad W behavior. NONE OF THAT JUSTIFIES LYING AND CHEATING. I still get the sense that you blame yourself. STOP IT. "For better or worse. For richer and for poorer. In sickness and health." doesn't mean "unless you don't do what I think a W should do!" Those are vows to stick by a spouse, and to work on the MR. Not "when the going gets tough I am out of here!"

KC, and again. HE IS A LYING CHEATER! Believe nothing he says! "He actually told me I should go out and date but he doesn't want to know about it... then why all the snooping on his part?" Why all the snooping?? Because he wants justification for what he is doing. He wants you to date, he wants to catch you, and then he can play the innocent victim....."Yeah, we were having problems, but then she cheated on me!" It is sickening. It is disgusting. It is manipulative. And it is the act of a utter and total coward. He is trying to push you into one mistake that he can point to as his "reason". After all, "she wasn't a perfect W" is a terrible reason for what he is doing.

"All this interest in where I am and suddenly making me dinner is just a way that I stay a plan B?" Yep, this is usually exactly the case. Do you think for one minute that he is 100% sure in leaving, renting, and marrying this cupcake? I DON'T BUY IT. People do not lightly upend their entire life. If he were that "resolved":

1) He'd already be gone.
2) He'd not be grooming you for Plan B.
3) He wouldn't bother to "wait" for you on documentation.
4) If he hates the commute so much he wouldn't come home nearly as often as he does.

And the excuse about getting taken in his last D is a crock of crap. First, everyone knows, especially someone that has been through it before, that D is one of the most expensive endeavors a person can undertake. And people do not get to be the ones to initiate a D, and then turn around and play the victim card. Think about it, you've made it clear that you do not want this. He could end this all at any moment. (In fact, my fear is that you would take him back without any boundaries, requirements, nor consequences. Which would set you up for BD #3.) He holds all the cards and power (which is something we are trying to work with you to change!). So if he is so worried about getting taken all he has to do is say "nope, I don't want this."

I think it is time that you consider confronting him about OW. And then you can also drop the lawyer bomb on him. I'd love to be a fly on the wall if you ever do!