Ugh WF, I feel like we’re on the same merry go-round. Actually maybe not a merry go round but more like the waltzers (do you have those - spin one way, then spin the next...over and over ...till you can’t see straight, think straight , with a churning stomach to boot) . I am trying to let EVERYTHING slide over my head. The positive comments, the negative ones, the actions. I remember May telling me “walk away in your head”. It has been working I think. I now have a photograph of a lighthouse on the lock screen of my phone, on which I’ve written ‘Stop the Hurting. Every time I feel like picking up my phone to see if he’s texted, or thinking about texting him, I see this and move on as best I can.
Re the hurtful things you are hearing, yes this is hard, but like you I feel like I need to hear this. (I’ve lost count of how many times I’ve had to hear my husband tell me he’s not attracted to me sexually, but he still has desires, just not for me). But I do believe whatever the outcome there will come a time when he will remember the awful things you had to hear and how you calmly sat back and listened and didn’t judge. And for that you can hold your head high and know that you acted with class and dignity. That’s a hard act for any OW to follow. As the vets say, you are acting as a woman any man would be a fool to leave. {{hugs}}
I love it when you're super British. It's the cutest thing ever. We do have waltzers we call them tilt-a-whirls here. I don't feel like I'm on a merry go round or a tilt a whirl. It's so much more like the roller coaster analogy. We have flown through all the steps of this mess so quickly we haven't really been circling round and round in place for very long any where. We just keep chugging along and I keep holding on tight for the big drops and the loops, and he's sure to throw me a new one every week. Or multiple a week. I just would very much like to be on the log flume ride or like a lazy river type deal at this point.
I think I do very much need the walk away in my head advice right now. I can go days with speaking to H. But I've come to realize something my friend said. I'm H's person. And at some point he'll figure it out. He just hasn't yet. That's why even though he had OW to talk to he still wanted to talk to me and followed me around to do so. Even though he had OW to watch shows and movies with he still wanted to watch certain shows and movies with me. It's why he'd try to mask the places he'd gone and the things he had done with OW that he really enjoyed so he could tell me about this awesome thing he did or saw or ate. Because he can't not talk to me. Have me as his sounding board. Have me as his friend. His mouth keeps saying I'm more than happy to live with out you. But his actions say I don't know how. And I need to learn how to just mentally check out when he's giving me these diametrically opposing signals.
My new therapist said I'm going through this with a lot of grace. I had a friend say the same thing to me. That I'm walking though this with grace. I don't feel like I am. I don't feel classy. Most of the time I don't feel particularly dignified being in this position. I feel like I'm just trying to survive another really trying time in my life with out breaking under the weight of it. And this time I'm carrying two nearly women, instead of a little girl, or just me. I so often feel like I'm just not enough for him and that's why he wants to walk away so badly. I feel like the fool more often than not. But I do hope that my girls, or H at some point here can see that optimistic view of me in the middle of this mess. As that woman any man would be a fool to leave. Thank you Pommy. I need that boost.
