So here's where I'm at: H and I are together but it's fragile. And the fragility at this time has a lot to do with our business working together. I came into this thing (in an industry I previously did not belong to) and I put my own money into it because I wanted to be supportive as H started the business, and then later I wanted to find a growth point for myself in this industry since I was many years into it.
There were things that became flashpoints over the years:
1. H was good at the skill we needed for the business but he was not experienced at being an entrepreneur, leader, business manager, or financial manager. I wasn't the most experienced at the start either, but I worked previously in jobs that involved these things, so I took it upon myself to handle these things rather than just let our finances run amok. At the same time, I've been trying to get him to improve in these areas. But whenever I try to get him to be more responsible financially and build himself as a leader, he is resistant, complains about not being able to "be himself" and do things "his way," and instead blames me for not letting him learn things the "hard" way. It frustrates me that instead of focusing on learning he reverts to blame. I also find it a little unrealistic to let him "fail" and "learn" on his own terms with our business and our personal finances all at stake.
2. H is sometimes not a great judge of character, and he does not know how to handle different kinds of people. This has been difficult because he does not want to "manage" the staff under him (because staff can get difficult to manage), and instead will escape to his "enabler" friends who are very obviously charlatans but massage his ego. He keeps giving them access to our business, or hangs out with them and lets them reinforce his thinking. On the other hand, our own staff need a leader, and he is often absent and then gets frustrated when they act exactly as you would expect people who aren't guided by a leader would act. He blames them rather than looks at what he can do to better guide and lead them. Even though I worry about the long-term impact this will have on our team, I cannot step in because then he sees it as overstepping on his territory.
3. I started to naturally build a name myself in our industry over the years, and I really think he didn't like it. There were some aspects that I would do learn and adapt to faster than he would, and I think he didn't like it at all. I'm obviously not trying to be better than him, I'm just trying to be better because it's important for me to constantly grow as a person. I'm doing it for myself. And because he's a bit stubborn and insistent on doing things his own way, he tends to have a steeper learning curve just because of that. So it's now mutated into this thing where he doesn't want to see me as an equal partner, but rather someone in a supporting role only. I don't know what to do because I feel it's a betrayal to myself to try to make myself less just because he won't better himself and deal with his ego. And of course, as a result he doesn't affirm me, never tells me he's proud of me. It's sad for me because I would love for nothing more than for him to be proud of me, and I've expressed as much.
So given all this, why am I still here? Why have I not given up and walked out? Because there are days when he seems to come around, and he listens, and seems willing to grow. There are changes, though they are small and hard won each time. But then there are days he shuts down and it feels like we are back to square one. It's at such far ends of the spectrum that it's unbelievable sometimes.
On top of it all, what's given me pause is wondering if I want my life to be this way, where I feel unable to grow and excel and take charge, lest I be blamed for being domineering, bossy, and insensitive to him. I have a hard time reconciling this because I was taught that you should always work to better yourself, not pull other people down if they're getting better than you.
I do appreciate the advice of divorce busting, as the emergency measures did help, but I sometimes wonder if it applies to women who are ambitious and want to grow and learn? If you have to massage the man's ego all the time to keep the marriage happy, how is that good for me? I made the move to try to save our marriage twice already, but I wonder, does the advice here apply with my ideas of personal growth and well-being?
If anyone has any experience with this, would really appreciate it hearing your thoughts.
Can you fire him as a business partner without firing him as a life partner? A big ego without the skill or dedication to back it up must be frustrating, especially when your name and money is on the line. I can relate--my ex inadvertently sabotaged one of the group adventure trips I led, and it's my only group trip failure to date. All your bullet points related to this business, so I'm curious about decoupling that.
You say you're deciding whether to stay or go.
1. You say he's *probably* having an affair. How strong is your evidence? It's one thing to leave someone over an EA or PA, another entirely to leave someone over an assumed EA/PA.
2. You say he skipped going to the movies with you the night before your birthday without a call--how rude! Did you end up finding out why? Did he do something to celebrate your birthday--a dinner or a gift?
Can you fire him as a business partner without firing him as a life partner? A big ego without the skill or dedication to back it up must be frustrating, especially when your name and money is on the line. I can relate--my ex inadvertently sabotaged one of the group adventure trips I led, and it's my only group trip failure to date. All your bullet points related to this business, so I'm curious about decoupling that.
I actually had thought about that, but honestly I don’t want to continue on my own in this environment and with the problems that have built up and with people all knowing us as a couple. Our business is community oriented, so customers know us personally.
That’s why my mind is to be the one to leave and start up elsewhere. I feel guilt and angry that that seems to be the best option, but if I was honest that would probably be the smarter option.
So in your relationship, would you say the business partnership was the problem?
Originally Posted by CWarrior
1. You say he's *probably* having an affair. How strong is your evidence? It's one thing to leave someone over an EA or PA, another entirely to leave someone over an assumed EA/PA.
At the moment he’s not in an affair, but I’ve caught him twice before with messages on his phone. The last time was late last year. I know it could just be flirting and not a full blown affair, but honestly i don’t really care about the distinction.
What ironic is he constantly criticizes his last girlfriend before me for cheating on him, and that’s how they ended their relationship. And yet here he is doing it himself. I think trust is broken on intention, regardless of how far you take it.
At the moment he is not straying but I am having trouble trusting him again. It’s one thing if you did it once, but twice. So part of my issue is the inability to trust him again.
Originally Posted by CWarrior
2. You say he skipped going to the movies with you the night before your birthday without a call--how rude! Did you end up finding out why? Did he do something to celebrate your birthday--a dinner or a gift?
Honestly he didn’t think he did anything wrong. He has general issues with communication and consideration. So when he does stuff like that, he thinks its normal. I had to explain to him why I was angry, and he just grudgingly went along. I genuinely feel like I’m talking to a child sometimes.
Originally Posted by CWarrior
3. What do you get from him that you appreciate?
Lately that’s a tough question to answer. The thing is, I spent a lot of time trying to appreciate him, letting him verbally know that I appreciate the things that he does for me, from the big things like teaching me the skills for this industry to the small things like making coffee in the morning. But I feel like I don’t get that kind of appreciation and reciprocation, just on the rare occasions when he feels like it. The rest of the time I feel criticized, and it’s tiring.
So in your relationship, would you say the business partnership was the problem?
It was an annoyance, not a core issue. I valued our relationship more than leading group adventures.. and she was a great duo adventure partner. I put that dream on-hold because it was worth it to make us work.
Originally Posted by Akham
At the moment he’s not in an affair, but I’ve caught him twice before with messages on his phone. The last time was late last year. I think trust is broken on intention, regardless of how far you take it.
Are you positive about his intention based on the content of his side of those exchanges? I had a colleague once who, on business trips, often bought a random lady a drink and enjoyed the bit of attention that got him. We'd shoot pool or somesuch after and then return to the hotel together.
Originally Posted by Arkham
But I feel like I don’t get that kind of appreciation and reciprocation, just on the rare occasions when he feels like it. The rest of the time I feel criticized, and it’s tiring.
Did he do something to celebrate your birthday--a dinner or a gift?
It sounds like your resentment's building and you're almost ready to leave. Have you let your partner know? The sooner you "Ball Drop" them that there are grave marital issues, the sooner you two can decide how much effort you're each willing to put in, leading towards a happy ending together or in divorce.
Are you positive about his intention based on the content of his side of those exchanges? I had a colleague once who, on business trips, often bought a random lady a drink and enjoyed the bit of attention that got him. We'd shoot pool or somesuch after and then return to the hotel together.
Well, that's the thing, he doesn't want to talk about, he just admits that he was "not behaving" and will now "behave." I honestly do not see the point of pursuing the line of questioning.
Originally Posted by CWarrior
Did he do something to celebrate your birthday--a dinner or a gift?
In the end, we went to do an activity of my choosing.
Originally Posted by CWarrior
It sounds like your resentment's building and you're almost ready to leave. Have you let your partner know? The sooner you "Ball Drop" them that there are grave marital issues, the sooner you two can decide how much effort you're each willing to put in, leading towards a happy ending together or in divorce.
Have not brought it up. I would like to figure out what I want first before bringing it up. From the last two times (where it was me who tried to save the relationship), I have learned that I need to take care of myself and plan for it, because I will likely need a new job and maybe even new friendships to help carry me through. And to be honest, it is incredibly painful for me to think of divorce -- the thought of leaving him makes me so sad and upset (it goes without saying that I do love my H). But I am also at that point where I am wondering if I'm shortchanging myself and not living up to my own potential. I am wondering if I can suck it up, rip the bandage off, and start working towards a different possibility of life, maybe I have greater happiness ahead?
Or maybe I'm just being arrogant and unappreciative. I don't know. I'm here because I'm frustrated after trying to fix so may things. So hoping there are other people with experiences like this who can give advice and help me clear my head.
Been a little over two months since my last post. Coronavirus upending things over here in Asia and whatnot.
Today was pretty frustrating. Though honestly it's nothing new.
Things have just been up and down with my relationship with H these past months. He struggles with anger issues and seems to nurse them rather than focus on moving forward. He takes everything personally and acts like a wounded animal (lashing out and blaming everyone else) when he doesn't like what he hears or sees. He can't let go of things people did to him in the past (but at the same time gets mad when he is called out for past actions). He acts entitled to his anger. It makes working with him difficult.
We are currently facing a lot of challenges with our business, due to this whole coronavirus mess. Before this all happened, we were facing challenges with his ability to lead our team and our company. He acknowledges he has issues but at the same time doubles down on old habits and destructive thinking.
I'm looking to be solution-oriented, but since he's not fully onboard with finding solutions (versus nursing his anger), I get a lot of pushback. God knows I'm trying to stay the course, and I get that this process will take awhile, but it's incredibly frustrating and depleting to deal with this. The worrisome part is that his actions have real consequences on our business stability. But he doesn't seem to care. It feels like his ego is more important than anything, and he lashes out when he perceives things to hurt his ego (a lot of times it's in his head, no one else intends to hurt him). I'm worried about what this is doing to me. I wonder if it's all worth it and how long it will take.
I feel like I would like to be with something who is emotionally healthier, and more committed to looking forward rather than constantly simmering about the past. I can't understand it. I wonder if some people just enjoy being angry and miserable in some sick and twisted way. Even when it's not healthy they are just comfortable there.
I'm also feeling more anxious now because of the limitations of this whole coronavirus mess. I feel like if I wanted to get out of this relationship and this business I would have very limited options in terms of finding a job or moving around. I feel more trapped and it's hugely stressful. I wish I had friends to talk to about this but I don't, and I'm not really sure about how to go about finding some kind of peer support.
I know this post is a bit of a downer but that's where I'm at right now. Maybe, hopefully, tomorrow will be better.
