Husband Living a Double Life

[SteveLW]

I don't think he will come back. He has already asked her to marry him. Which is crazy because he's still married to me. And if he wanted to come back, I don't think I can forgive him. All of the things he said to her, money he has spent on her, secret bank accounts he has opened. I just can't see myself forgiving him for all of this. This is the worst pain I have ever felt in my life.

The reason I asked is because at this moment, with the wound so fresh, you may not what you want. And that is understandable. Most of us come here with an iron-grip on wanting to save our MR. After all it is called "Divorce Busting". You found this forum, signed up for an account, and posted your sitch. That tells me there is some part of you that wants to save your MR. Remember, being conflicted on this is okay.

Early in my sitch I was on the roller-coaster of emotions. But I was also on the roller-coaster of what I wanted and what I was going to do. I vacillated between wrapping around her legs, holding on for dear life, and begging for her not to leave me. To changing the locks, setting her crap on the front porch with note that said "HIT THE BRICKS!" So I get it, you may not know what you want.

But do not underestimate the fact that he may not be sure that leaving and marrying her is really what he wants. Oh sure, that is something a horny guy tells to a young lady so she'll let him touch her fun parts. But when the brass tacks are down, don't be surprised if he comes back, begging for forgiveness and wanting a second chance. I've seen lying cheaters that were sure they didn't want to stay with their LBS......only to wake up one day and realize they were throwing away everything for a crap shoot. After all, this young chick that he is enjoying for her body now, may not be the mind and soul he wants to grow old with. Plus there is an old saying, if they'll cheat with you, they'll cheat on you. He may wake up one day and realize "do I really want to be looking over my shoulder, wondering who she is banging, for the rest of my life?"

So take some time. Read the book. Breathe. Focus on you. Go out and find that girl you were when you first met him. Likely you weren't sitting at home feeling sorry for yourself. But you were out living a life. Go find that again. GAL like a mad woman. Then take honest stock of yourself. Can you improve? What are your bad behaviors? Then get into IC to deal with all of this and 180 on that bad behavior. And finally, detach. Detachment is a healthy way to be. Even in a healthy MR. Google "self differentation in marriage". After my most recent sitch I've come to the realization that two attached people in a MR is a recipe for disaster. What a healthy MR is too self-differentiated individuals coming together to make a healthy union.

So step back, take some time. Put DB into action. If you decide later that you can't forgive him. Then D the lying, cheating bum and move on to an AWESOME life.

Hang in there...it does get better. We've all gone through it, learned, kept our head held high. And came out the other side better for it. Whether or not we saved our MR.