Midlife wife crisis14

[Wolfman]

My d has been I therapy since she was 3. Because she had severe separation anxiety. Anytime my ex would leave her she would cry and throw tantrums.

One of my children went through a period much like you described. It started after I went back to work. Every time I got out of her sight, she would panic. I felt responsible, b/c someone told me to slip out when they (the babysitter, my SIL) got the child busy playing. I think that was a mistake, b/c it got where I couldn't walk out of the room without her getting anxious. Eventually, my grandparents started keeping her while I was working, and the problems went away. Apparently, things were more severe with your child.

IMHO, your ex should have been the one in therapy, instead of your three year old child. Based on the things you have described, there is something there that is unhealthy in that relationship between your ex and her first born. When a negative minded (or some type of mental illness) mother is constantly talking in the ear of her daughter, I think there could be repercussions.

My son is not like that at all.

My guess is your ex's relationship with the son is not the same as with the daughter.

The point is I was always there for my d in a very loving way. My ex and her would always battle. But once this happened, my d quickly sided with her. Both therapists said because my d is afraid my ex with cut her off too. (My ex has cut out endlesss amounts of friends and family, she doesn’t talk to anyone in her family except her parents, that’s because that constantly give her money, or else she would have cut them off too. As a matter of fact she barely spoke to her parents for 2 years before our separation because she had so many problems with her parents and brother. But once this happened she went crying to them for money.) That they latch on to the abuser for fear of rejection. And that I am the safe one and she knows I would never do that too her. I hope all of this makes sense.

It makes perfect sense to me. The mother and daughter do not have to get along, but the mother's neurotic influence is extremely strong. When the mother cuts someone off, or when she is agitated with the H, she communicates the negative one-sided perspective to the daughter she holds so tightly. The mother's unhealthy mental condition will probably have affect on the daughter. That's not to say the daughter has no hope in living a fairly, normal, happy life. I'm just suggesting that she will struggle to break free of her mother's unhealthy influence over her (the daughter) own thoughts, emotions, and actions. Having a healthy minded father is certainly a plus in the daughter's life.

The view of the family dynamic appears extremely unfair for the father who is trying to show the natural loving side of a parent. Not only can the neuroticism in the mother cause inadequate parenting practices, but it creates a very stressful family environment. The neurotic mother may appear to "do no wrong" in the eyes of the children, while the more healthy father feels that his parenting downs in the powerful negative parenting style of the mother. When the parents don't get along, the child who is heavily influenced by the neurotic mother, may feel she/he has to show allegiance.

Obviously, I'm not a psychologist......and, I only have your version of the situation. IMHO, your daughter struggles to be independent of her mother, but it's very difficult b/c she doesn't want Mother to think she is choosing sides with you. Your daughter is very angry at the divorce, at her parents, etc. Seeing you with a GF may feel more threatening for your daughter. You were the head, the protector, and you left. Add that to all the negative things her mother may have said about you, and it makes sense that your teenage daughter would feel more threatened, and angered, by the parent who left the home (losing a sense of her stability) and who is, possibly, bringing a new woman into his new place. Although you have tried to convince your children that you will always be in their lives, I think your teenager is dealing with a lot of internal emotions. She is approaching womanhood, and it could be frightening to know just how much her mother (plus this entire experience) is molding your daughter's opinion about men & about marriage in general. That's a lot to consider, but don't give up on your daughter. She needs her father, even if her words and behavior says otherwise.

I believe most children with newly divorced parents, go through what I call "The Parent Trap" phase. You remember the movie, where the twins try to get their divorced parents back together? Although you may not see any signs on the surface, I think the kids go through an emotional period where they have such high hopes of their parents reconciling, that any type of interference causes anxiety, anger, and fear. It seem obvious, to me, that your teenage daughter sees a GF as an interference that would prevent you from moving back into the family home. Why would she not have the same reaction to her mother's BF? IDK, unless it's b/c she doesn't recognize her mother being the one who physically abandoned the home. Also, some girls just have that jealousy about their dad. It's okay if it's mom, but just let dad introduce a GF, and the daughter feels threatened that dad will love this woman (put her first in his life) more than he loves his daughter.

How old is your GF? You've said she is immature, and I suspect her immaturity will rear its head the highest whenever she feels she is not number one in your life. If both of you had no children from a previous relationship......then, of course, she should expect nothing less than being number one. However, this girl is already telling you that she has to come first, over your children. There was something else I had read about her that I saw as big red flag, but I can't remember at the moment. Anyway, I hope you will take more time before taking the step to live with her. I get the impression that she is lot younger and sexier, which doesn't hurt the old bruised ego, does it? You wouldn't be the first man who was persuaded by a young sexy thing to cloud your judgement. I really think it could hurt your relationship with your teenage daughter. I, also, believe it is difficult for a daughter to accept a new GF who isn't, at the very least, more than a decade older than her.

As some others have said, you are too emotionally attached to your ex. I'm not saying you are in love with your ex. You are not detached, b/c her words and actions upset you too much to be detached. The competition over the kids, and spirit of an one-up must stop. You've got to detach emotionally from her actions. Having a young sexy GF is not a working vehicle in finding detachment from your ex. It may be a short lived distraction, or a salve, but it's not likely to suit a long term relationship. You will, however, open the door for more complications in your life, by having an immature GF.

I remember something you said when responding to a question about why you would want to go back to your ex (or something along that line). You, actually, did not say anything about her, but you spoke about missing the environment of a "family", and you really talked more passionately about your attachment to the house, and all the hard work you put into the building. To me, that speaks volumes. I'm not saying it's wrong. I think you were devoted to your family, but your neurotic W became too much for you. I don't know that you stilled love her, but you loved the idea of a family. I would hate to see you fall into another relationship where you are seeking to fill that same longing, without you and the woman being seriously in love and stable enough to undertake the challenges families present.

((hugs))

My ex did a lot of damage to my d. My d is in 7th grade and won’t sleep at a friends house because she doesn’t want to leave her mom. She won’t watch most movies because she is afraid of them. Example the Avengers. She is afraid of Getting sick. She washes her hands 10 times a day, all before this corona virus thing.

There were periods of times my ex suffered from depression and anxiety. I tried to speak to her to go to a therapist and she would refuse. I tried talking to her maybe going on meds for a while she refused. She is also a hypercondriac, since the day we got married she always thought she had a major illness. When I would finally convince her to go to a doctor and they found nothing, a couple of months later it would be a new sickness or disease. And that was “passed” on to my d. She always thinks there is something wrong with her. Had to take her to doctors to show her there was nothing wrong with her. My d completely mimicks my ex.

Sandi you mentioned about me having a healthy minded father is important for my d. But if my ex is “poisoning” her my d won’t see that. She only “sees” what the ex wants her to see. My ex loves the allegiance they have against me. It’s funny because they are trying to turn my son, but for 9 I feel like he sees through the bs.

All I know is I really don’t want my ex anymore. Do I miss the family dynamic, more than you can imagine. But I am finally starting to realize my family dynamic will be different and that is ok. I did not want to give up the “traditional” family , but it was coming at a cost. That cost was enduring some real hurtful things from my ex. For years it was me catering to her needs and helping her with everything. Now I am going to focus on me and my children. The ex no longer matters. Honestly I feel at peace for the first time in 18 months that we are not together. I know I am certainly not perfect but I am a good man and a father. I deserve to be loved the way I love someone. And my ex has lost all privileges. I feel so bad for my kids that they have to go through this. But I know I tried and tried and tried. And it cost me my health for a long time.

For all you newbies read this. For a long time I thought of suicide. I just wanted the pain to stop. It was unbearable, it followed me everywhere. I kept thinking my life will never get better. And I felt so sorry for myself. But like everyone says here you have to go through the pain to come out a stronger person. I felt worthless, like no one would care about me or love me. Even though I have a GF, I had to love myself. No one can love me more than me. Don’t let “these” people take your confidence, your worth, or how you felt before BD. There is a life out there, there is a bright future for you. It will not seem that way. And it may not seem that way for a long time, but that’s ok. You will be better, you will be stronger. Trust me I know, I cried for almost 16 months. But just like a broken leg. It won’t heal over night, it won’t heal in a weak. So don’t expect your “heart “ to heal any faster. This board is an amazing place and I want all of you to know. You saved this mans life many times!!! LITERALLY. Thank you for this board. For you newbies stay the course, just like the broken leg, it takes time, a lot of time!!! I hope this helps anyone who is really hurting.
Thank you to so many!!!!