Yeah... but I think he will know that it got to me.... and I have to act as if.
The deep goal is to detach and focus on you. Acting as-if is a good substitute when you can't. I'd have no qualms putting away, tossing, or burning brochures if it'd help me detach and focus on myself.
Originally Posted by KitCat
I'm glad I'm getting this out here rather than a confrontation with him at home which is what I think he expects from me... well let me 180 that for ya!
Yes, that's definitely progress.
Originally Posted by KitCat
I truly need to head out and have that glass of wine...
I would toss those magazines out. If he says anything just say "Oh, I thought you were done with them". You do realize that he's attempting to get under your skin by leaving these magazines around.
This is a perfect response.
"What is best for my kids is best for me" Amor Fati Link to quotes: https://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2879712
So I went out the winery... enjoyed 1 glass and 3hr of music. It was a very small crowd. The woman playing had more of her family there than audience but she was good and sweet and very entertaining.
I stayed till the end because I wanted to be good and sure H was out the door to work before being back home.
I get home... he is still in bed. He should have been on the road 1 1/2hr ago. I go into the bedroom and tell him he did not get up for work. I left the room.
Normally I would have stepped in and helped pack his cooler and start his coffee. But I vacated the area. The dogs were super worked up having been in the kennel for the last 6hr. So I took them both to my S18's room and hung out there. S18 was in shower and he had his new 3D printer going.
At one point I heard my H shout out something along the lines of "do you f'in hate me". Now I could have been wrong as I was in another part of the house and it might have been the same time the puppy was running back and forth from where I was and the kitchen.
H walks into the hallway toward S18's room. I still have my coat on because i literally just got home myself.
H: so this is where you are hiding out now? Me: I'm watching S18's 3D printer working... H: Is S18 in the shower (H is literally standing by the bathroom door) Me: Yes H: Well I want to know how the hot water is, I turned the scald guard down ((again we already know this see the conversation from this morning)) Me: I will ask him when S18 gets out.
H goes out the door to work.
Now, any other day I have been home lately H would just go out the door for work and not say a thing. He was probably fishing to find out where I had been for another night. Sadly, I wish he had just gotten up and been at work. I very honestly did not want to see him.
I won't have to see him for 4 days. His suitcase is packed and as far as I can tell he only took work clothes for the entire time.
Part of me wants to text that the S18 said the hot shower was working fine... but NOPE. That is not a reason to contact him. IF he really wanted to know he could text S18 himself.
Well done. I do not believe he'll be gone for 4 days!
We will see... I expect him to do the same as last weekend... and just show up on Sunday 2hr before he has to go to work again. I will not text or call... he can have all the space be wants.
Right now I'm irked that he isn't getting to bed and getting sleep and getting up to work. He is burning the candle at both ends and holding me responsible. He can be gone for 4 days.
And this OW is nothing. Do you know why he fell so hard for me and thought I was a goddess??? Because i was not easy to get. He had to work hard for the first date and even harder for the second. OW is pursuing my H when he is at a vulnerable point. Sure he leaned on her to express his frustrations in our relationship... but she pursued him... she has made it to easy for him and he will be bored soon enough.
Well done. I do not believe he'll be gone for 4 days!
We will see... I expect him to do the same as last weekend... and just show up on Sunday 2hr before he has to go to work again. I will not text or call... he can have all the space be wants.
Right now I'm irked that he isn't getting to bed and getting sleep and getting up to work. He is burning the candle at both ends and holding me responsible. He can be gone for 4 days.
And this OW is nothing. Do you know why he fell so hard for me and thought I was a goddess??? Because i was not easy to get. He had to work hard for the first date and even harder for the second. OW is pursuing my H when he is at a vulnerable point. Sure he leaned on her to express his frustrations in our relationship... but she pursued him... she has made it to easy for him and he will be bored soon enough.
Ok.. rant over... next 4 days are about me!!!
KitCat, I hope you recognize and celebrate how far you have come in just a few weeks! Seriously, so much progress! I can hear your self-esteem surface!
Your husband reminds me of mine. Somehow everything ends up being my fault, or I could have done it differently, etc etc. I used to jump in to prove I was a great wife, or show how accommodating I could be, or try to fix everything. I've tried to work hard to change those habits. To expect him to own his own choices.
I wish we were allowed to contact each other. Wouldn't be great to GAL together?
the best apology is changed behavior. *************** me: 45 h: 48 m: 23 T: 26 DD1:19 DD2:16 DS:11 BD1: PA for 2 yrs 08/2016 BD2: OW is one of my closest friends 12/2016 BD3: H wants a D 11/2019
KitCat, I hope you recognize and celebrate how far you have come in just a few weeks! Seriously, so much progress! I can hear your self-esteem surface!
Your husband reminds me of mine. Somehow everything ends up being my fault, or I could have done it differently, etc etc. I used to jump in to prove I was a great wife, or show how accommodating I could be, or try to fix everything. I've tried to work hard to change those habits. To expect him to own his own choices.
I wish we were allowed to contact each other. Wouldn't be great to GAL together?
That would be nice.... I don't really have a social life here as one bff lives 5hr away and the other is several states away. I will have plans to see them but since H has left all the responsibilities on me - ie the dogs. I don't get to flit in and out like he does.
But, I think my being gone out of the house has helped me. I just feel like I'm hovering when he is here. He will be gone for the next 4 days and I'm relieved at this point. Mostly because i can relax in my own home. I'm sure I will be frequently checking my phone for texts or misses calls... one step at a time.
So H went to work last night and unlike the week before when this happened I did not follow up if he got to work. Last week we had had some pretty nasty weather happening when he had to drive.
I went to bed. I did not call or text.
This am I woke up to two texts from H at 5am.
H: The bonus is approximately X before taxes. H: It is paid next week.
Before BD we had already talked about paying off his truck with it. So we will clear out of emergency fund account and have enough to pay off both vehicles lessening our monthly expenses as we go forth in 2 households.
H has been running around wanting to "rip the bandage" off and just move on ASAP.
We had been waiting for the bonus to come in before filling out financial disclosure statements... looks like we will be doing that in 2 weeks now.
I'm not sure exactly why H texted me that. He is going to be gone for 4 days. He could have just said it to me the next time he was at the house. Telling me today versus in 4 days makes no difference in how we are handling things.
Maybe in his head this is getting the ball rolling more toward his direction... so he is sharing the information. OR maybe in his head he is trying to have an excuse to reach out to see if I will respond?
Well that is NOTHING that requires a response from me... I can be radio silent for 4 days....
Good job. Remember: Informational texts do not warrant a response.
As far as what's going on in his head, likely he doesn't know! I know my W was very clear that she didn't know what she wanted from minute to minute.
Steve85 -
Thanks for the reinforcement...
The way he has been clearing things off his list to do at the house and knowing we are in a holding pattern with financials until we see what can be paid off... I'm certain that he is seeing that with the bonus there is a finality for him in sight.
He found all the paperwork he needed to take to get mortgage approval. And, just like I said even though I handled all the finances everything was an open book for him to look at - I was hiding nothing. He did it all by himself without having to send texts asking where this was or that was. I know he is house hunting with new realtor today and tomorrow.
I haven't seen any indication that he is changing his mind from minute to minute. He is convinced we are toxic with each other that we can't even travel a short distance without bickering. Of course I know he is thinking all about the negatives and not the positives at this point... all the negatives are flashing like a neon sign in his head. But, outside of that he really is like a stranger here. He doesn't even sit in his recliner when he is here. Just at the kitchen table. The TV has not been turned on once in weeks.
I feel good at the moment to have a few days to regroup and focus on items at home. Especially having some time to devote to the puppy who desperately needs it. It will be tough to see once he is busy looking at houses and hanging with R (male friend) and family and still staying in contact or seeing OW that I won't even get an information text from him.
But, thanks again for the reinforcement. I will look at things that keep me busy which will be more challenging as I am not working this weekend.
