He back pedaled again on the 'I'm moving out ASAP' thing. This 'there's nothing in this marriage for me' shtick is some kind of reactionary statement but I have no clue what the reaction is to yet.
This is interesting. It is like his safe place he retreats to. Good reminder to believe nothing of what they say.
Originally Posted by wayfarer
He won't commit to the marriage yet. He wants to make sure he's making the right choice. Not just for him, or so he says, but because he doesn't want to put me through this all over again. He wants to make a clear headed decision. And I fully support that. I did let him know that I need a similar trip since I've been holding our lives down while he went chasing his soulmate and future. Yesterday was the first time I felt he was actually remorseful and gave a damn about what he's put me through. And our girls. He said I should plan my trip. He would hold it down and give me the time and space that I want and need the way I'm giving him his. I told him I am truly sorry he's hurting. That regardless of how I'm feeling about him and her, being ready to risk everything for someone to have them look back at you, wave good bye and act as if you can just back pedal the way they can is truly messed up. We then slept together again.I asked him to go sleep on the couch because I need some time to decompress after all of that. He complied with out question. I don't know what the hell I'm doing any more at this point. It's certainly not DBing. It's not really pursuing either. I don't understand how the acute pain you feel in crisis is so different and almost seems more manageable than this constant dull ache of WTF is my life right now feeling of being in limbo.
Honestly... I think this is all seems like a step in the right direction. I wouldn't think you would want him to commit to the M right away after the breakup with OW anyway-- he does need time and space and a clear head. Looking back at my own sitch (so so weird we're all in such similar spaces right now) it took my H five weeks to decide to commit to the M (in his mind at least, I know it may not be permanent) from when the $hit totally hit the fan and he confessed the full extent of the A to when he left on his trip saying he was ending it. My H wanted something different-- asked for the DC/MC rather than a trip during that flavor of limbo-- but I think the space part is really important and just like Pommy's H and mine they need to be able to make that choice themselves in their own time and with a clear head. Otherwise you can't really trust it.
How do you give him space then between now and early April when he takes his trip? Both for him and for YOU? I think that one of the reasons limbo feels so awful is that you're not DOING anything (Ms. Type A) and in the crisis you can just buckle down and mentally prepare yourself to move on, as hard as that is. Now you don't know what to prepare yourself for and both paths are going to be f-ing difficult. But, the one thing that both paths need is a healthy wayfinder who knows she'll be OK no matter what happens. Can you continue to cultivate your zen/patient/detached attitude and GAL yourself into exhaustion? A month feels like a long time but really isn't all that long in the grand scheme of things. (I've been thinking about this too, maybe just not pushing on wanting to know more about the A until the beginning of April, give my H some time to detach mentally from the AP before we go there. I am imagining everything she touched as being contaminated and dirty and I want those things out of our lives or to Lysol the heck out of them before we move past the A... but my H just isn't ready for that yet.)
Me (46) H (42) M:14 T:18, D9 & D11 4/19 - 12/19: series of escalating BDs 9/20 - present: R and piecing
